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#415056 - 11/02/12 11:37 AM Hi
Pk1 Offline

Registered: 11/02/12
Posts: 2

My name's Paul and I'm from the uk. I have been struggling with things for a while and I have finally opened up and have spoken to family and friends about this stuff I've been carrying with me for 30 years.

I opened up because I got into a serious relationship for the first time in 10 years and was freaking out with emotions and making my girlfriend feel worthless because I was so introverted and couldn't communicate. Unfortunately she has left me because of how I made her feel and I have now started counselling without her support which makes me feel so lonely.

Is this something that can happen? I wish I could have handled things better and loved her dearly but she is getting over me now because I pushed her too far.


#415062 - 11/02/12 01:01 PM Re: Hi [Re: Pk1]
Pk1 Offline

Registered: 11/02/12
Posts: 2
My abuse happened to me around the age of 12. I get constant flashbacks and get so scared and feelings of worthlessness, shame and guilt and sometimes I feel I actually deserved it.

This guy who lived down the road gave me a job and used to make me work either in my underwear or sit in a room naked waiting. The rest I still find hard to make public. He basically sexually abused me.

I can't remember everything as yet and still don't want to believe it happened. I have never abused anyone and infact I have been hurting myself for as long as I can remember. I punch myself in the head sometimes so hard I nearly pass out.

I am now getting counselling but we are not dealing with issue of abuse yet as I have to learn to detach the feeling and get strong before my counsellor can push any further. I just freeze when pushed.

Is this normal? I hear and read of people who can just remember every detail and talk or write openly about it. I just can't do that fully and I hope I can one day.

You guys all seem so brave and strong and I feel weak.


#415087 - 11/02/12 05:16 PM Re: Hi [Re: Pk1]
Farmer Boy Offline

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Hi Paul

My name is Lee and I'm from Australia. I's truly sorry that you had to suffer sexual abuse growing up but I am glad you are here. I'm sorry about your GF too. This is a good place and there are a lot of guys here you can count on for support.

My CSA (Child Sexual Abuse) only came out after counselling for another issue. I always new it had happened but put it to the back of my mind as 'that is just what happens to boys growing up' - like it was a right of passage or something. I realise that my 'normal' was not normal. It has really affected the way I think about myself and interact with other.

I've been here for 3 months and I have gradually found strength by sharing stuff here first before I tell 'real' people. Yesterday I told my family doctor which was hard but not as bad as I thought (helped that it was a women) because I needed antidepressants to cope with life as I heal.

You need to find the strength to talk to your T (therapist/cousellor) about it - when you are ready. Otherwise you are just wasting your time and money and you will not move forward in your recovery.

I wish you all the best and keep posting.
More than meets the eye!

#415191 - 11/03/12 10:20 AM Re: Hi [Re: Pk1]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4287
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
Originally Posted By: Pk1
I get constant flashbacks and get so scared and feelings of worthlessness, shame and guilt and sometimes I feel I actually deserved it.
I can't remember everything as yet and still don't want to believe it happened. I have never abused anyone and infact I have been hurting myself for as long as I can remember.
Is this normal? I hear and read of people who can just remember every detail and talk or write openly about it. I just can't do that fully and I hope I can one day.

You guys all seem so brave and strong and I feel weak.

Hi, P -

first - welcome to our community. it's a very supportive place. i've found incredible help, encouragement and understanding here from the other guys.

second - everything you have described about your reactions to the abuse is totally "normal." it is not the only way of reacting - but is common and not surprising. you'll find many men here whose stories will have multiple points of similarity to yours. you are not alone.

third - you DID NOT deserve it - and it was NOT your fault. most of us need to hear that - and have it repeated many times before we start to believe it.

fourth - you ARE brave and strong. you have proven it by surviving - and by coming here - and by breaking the silence - and by seeking prof. help. and all of us have been where you are right now. and all of us feel weak at times too. that is when we need each other's encouragement the most. don't be afraid to reach out - and to ask questions - even to send PMs.

you are among friends,

Edited by traveler (11/03/12 10:23 AM)
Edit Reason: add
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#415202 - 11/03/12 02:47 PM Re: Hi [Re: Pk1]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida

Welcome to MS mate. You're absolutely in the right place. For one, we understand what it took for you to make those first posts.

I think Lee really put it best. All I can do is back him up on it by restating in a different way.

You did NOT deserve it. I'll say it again. You did NOT deserve it. No child deserves it, including Little Paul. It may take a while for that feeling to sink in. That's fine. Take whatever time you need. There's no schedule. It's not a contest.

Which leads me to backing up Lee on another point.

If we seem "brave and strong" it's because of each other...and because - EXACTLY like you mate - we had just enough courage to share with each other when we felt weak, whimpy, humiliated and a million other feelings.

Sometimes it's on the public boards. Sometimes it's via PM. Whatever is most comfortable for you.

One thing I'll add is that I'm concerned about you punching yourself in the head to the point of passing out. If you're able, please try to be conscious of it. If you haven't already, at the least make your counsellor aware of it in your next session if you can.

There are a myriad of reasons for it on which I'm not qualified to speculate. I can guarantee, however, there are guys here who have physically hurt themselves similarly and whose experience, strength and hope will be valuable to you.

Again, Paul, you're in excellent company. Thank you for reaching out.

#415282 - 11/04/12 02:35 PM Re: Hi [Re: Pk1]
Gary31 Offline

Registered: 10/16/12
Posts: 12
Loc: Upstate NY
Hi Paul.

I'm glad you are here with us. I found this site to be a place I go to feel "normal". Just being a few clicks away from someone who is "like me" is comforting.

I too cannot speak or write of my experiences yet. Maybe someday!


#415587 - 11/07/12 03:14 PM Re: Hi [Re: Pk1]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Dear Paul,

Welcome to MS. You've taken some important steps in recovery already. There will be difficult times ahead, but don't turn back. Theres a life ahead of you as a whole healthy man that you deserve to have. Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault. Keep writing.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#415590 - 11/07/12 04:28 PM Re: Hi [Re: Pk1]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3856
Dear Paul

Welcome to MS--it is a community of wonderful people who are open and will not judge. Write and share at your own pace--feel comfortable and safe.

What you describe seems normal to me. But to others who have not lived this horror it sometimes seem unreal or contrived. You have to ignore these people--because many judge based on not knowing what happens to us.

We heal at different paces and what works for one may not work for another survivor. Healing is a process--there are ups and downs and many bumps. Many times you will find a supporter when you least expect it.

Welcome but I am sorry you have to be here like the rest of us. Remember you are a valuable person, you deserve a life of happiness and joy. You will find it--stay strong, keep moving forward and to not give up on those bad days--we all have those days.


Edited by KMCINVA (11/07/12 04:33 PM)

#415720 - 11/08/12 11:51 PM Re: Hi [Re: Pk1]
Anomalous Offline

Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 2242
Hi Paul,

Welcome to MS.

I am glad you have found this place of healing and support.

In case you didn't hear it the first few times it was said, I will say it again - you did NOT deserve what was done to you.

It was NOT your fault!!!!!

The responsibility for what you endured belongs to one person, and one person only - the man who harmed you.

It wasn't "basically" sexual abuse. It WAS sexual abuse.

I hope you stop punshing yourself, physically and emotionally, for that which was not your fault. You have been hurt enough, you do not need to hurt yourself.

In addition to your individual therapist, there are a number of support organizations in the UK. Scroll down to the bottom of this list. is no longer in existence but the others are still available.

There are several books you might find useful.

Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse by Mic Hunter

Victims No Longer by Mike Lew

I am certain others will share titles they have found useful. You can find these titles, and others here at the bookstore.

Take your time and look around. You do not want to trigger yourself by reading too many posts at one time.

At your own pace, read the boards and wander into chat. The lounge (chat) is open 24 hours a day though it isn't always populated.

We also have moderated chats called Healing Circles. They meet on Sunday and Wednesday evenings at 9pm eastern time and one on Tuesday at 19:00 UTC (European and African time zone) which translates to 2 PM Eastern US time zone. The Healing Circle on Tuesdays is scheduled to resume in January.

Again, welcome to MS.

Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.


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