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#415031 - 11/02/12 01:47 AM New & Learning
Courageous Offline

Registered: 10/31/12
Posts: 6
Hello, I've recently been told by my husband of his being a MS. It's a secret he's kept to himself since he was a child. I'm heartbroken for him & all who've been abused in this cruel manner. I've been a victim of abuse as a child but it wasn't sexual and I know that must add a higher level of trauma, stigma, & shame. I hope to be the best support for my hubby that I can be along his journey in dealing with this. Any advice??

#415064 - 11/02/12 01:58 PM Re: New & Learning [Re: Courageous]
Blue1966 Offline

Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 83
Loc: USA
I applaud you for being there and wanting to be a good supporter.

Read both personal stories and articles or books that offer coping and healing techniques as well as those that describe the healing process.

Be ready for the things your husband is going to have to go through, mood swings, acting out, being triggered, etc...

The more you learn, and prepare for, the less you will blame him for things that are going to happen. You will understand that it is because of the abuse and, because he is trying to work through it, not because he means to hurt you. And trust me that will happen, but if you know why, it's easier to deal with.

I am both a survivor and a supporter and, being able to get through the times when your survivor will hurt you ultimately builds a closer relationship, if you can ride the storm with him. It is never easy to stay there when it gets rough, but it's worth it for both of you.

#415077 - 11/02/12 03:41 PM Re: New & Learning [Re: Courageous]
Cassialla Offline

Registered: 11/02/12
Posts: 7
I am actually the girlfriend of someone that was sexually abused by the females in his family from he was 9yrs old to about 12.He lost his virginity to one of those females.I just recently found this out.He is an extremely loving person,very affectionate and aware of my emotional needs.He's not very sexual tho,it comes in spurts.Sometimes I wait a whole 2weeks before we have sex only because I try to give him space because I want him to know I care and understand what he may feel toward women sexually in his adult life.But I am a woman at my sexual peak and have needs and don't want to pressure him.I try to use different methods like sex toys.I have tried to please him with fellatio but he won't let me do it and simply says that it does nothing for him.AND he just revealed to me that he is not sensitive at all down there.So I am very distraught because here I was thinking he was enjoying sex and feeling everything when he was not!He does say that he enjoys it because there's the strong emotional attachment he has with me and he loves me but he just is not sensitive there.Do you think his abuse has de-sensitized him?I am so mad at those women for doing that to him and that part of his adult life is taken away from him.Feels like the relationship will never be complete if that problem is not fixed.I want him to want me like I want him and feel what I feel sexually.Are there any ladies with this same problem?And to the males,do you feel similar toward women sexually?like just plain not interested in sex?

#415078 - 11/02/12 03:45 PM Re: New & Learning [Re: Courageous]
Cassialla Offline

Registered: 11/02/12
Posts: 7
I Love him so much and just want to help him somehow ,what do I do.he seems fine but maybe its just me being shocked over this newfound info that has me so angry that someone would do this to a child,and ultimately the man I'm involved with.

#415082 - 11/02/12 04:25 PM Re: New & Learning [Re: Courageous]
CdnDW Offline

Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
Courageous is a fantastic online name! I recommend you learn how to listen and be very patient, but know that you are not helping him if you do not create boundaries for any acting out behaviour he may exhibit. It is important for all of us to learn about boundaries, but even more so for those of us living with someone who has experience CSA. I suggest you find yourself a therapist with experience in the trauma of CSA. It will help you immensely to understand and cope.

Cassialla, I suggest the same to you. May I kindly recommend you start a thread of your own for your questions so that Courageous can have her questions and needs addressed here. In short, it is hard to know for sure if the lack of sensitivity is physical or psychological, but I can tell you that lack of intimacy is very, very common with men who have survived CSA, whether the perp was female or male. I would encourage your man to seek a therapist if he hasn't yet already for his CSA. They should be able to help determine this and if not, recommend an appropriate sex therapist.
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

#415083 - 11/02/12 04:34 PM Re: New & Learning [Re: Courageous]
Blue1966 Offline

Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 83
Loc: USA
I completely understand Cass, my partner is like that too. Yeah he enjoys sex for the emotional side and, sometimes needs the physical release too - his libido is on a permanent roller coaster that's more often down, as in no existent, than up as afar as actually wanting the physical goes.

Not a big deal, he does it when I need it and, we both know it's very possible to make love - share that intimacy and emotional connection without actually having sex.

You'd have to talk with your partner to figure out how much of it is physical lack of sensation and, how much is him needing to mentally disconnect from those sensation. With my partner it's mostly mental, because of the memories associated with those sensation, it's either disconnect and don't feel them, or end up in tears because of the memories - men being men, disconnecting is safer.

Personally, I'm fine but, that's after a lot of work on not doing exactly what my partner still needs to do. It's hard to get past and, not something you can do a lot on with a therapist, the problem only happens when you are having sex so, you really need a partner that understands and can work with you.


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