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#414907 - 10/31/12 11:53 PM In a crisis...
Quixote0028 Offline

Registered: 09/07/12
Posts: 15
Loc: Texas
Two months ago, I finally took the step of deciding to get help recovering from my sexual abuse by my father. I started seeing a therapist who specialized in incest recovery.

We just had an appointment, and she wanted me to talk about my abuse. I was referring to an incident when my father tied me up in a sexual way. I don't remember him actually tying me up, I just remember being naked on the floor with my arms behind my back.

I told her this and she said, "Perhaps you saw that in a movie, kids have very vivid imaginations"

I am so ashamed about this and have never told anyone before because its so disgusting and humiliating, and she tells me that perhaps "I saw it in a movie"?????

I am feeling so totally alone and completely deflated.

I told my partner what she had said. (He knows that i was abusded, but doesn't know any details.) Though he's sympathetic, he doesn't seem to understand why I'm so upset.

Am I blowing this out of proportion?

Edited by Quixote0028 (10/31/12 11:54 PM)

#414908 - 11/01/12 12:05 AM Re: In a crisis... [Re: Quixote0028]
Older1 Offline

Registered: 12/20/11
Posts: 127
Sometimes people do not know how to help us

#414909 - 11/01/12 12:09 AM Re: In a crisis... [Re: Quixote0028]
Blue1966 Offline

Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 83
Loc: USA
Therapists doing that sort of thing is one of the few things that really sets me off. Find someone else. She had no right to invalidate you and, that's what she did. In my opinion, that is not a good therapist.

Yes I react strongly to that sort of thing, maybe because therapists doing just that sort of thing all but cost someone dear to me his life.

#414915 - 11/01/12 01:19 AM Re: In a crisis... [Re: Quixote0028]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
imo Quixote her response was completely inappropriate, even if "testing" you, which would be manipulative. Otherwise, it's invalidating.

Lots of guys here have faced similar situations with therapists, often who have no experience or background in CSA issues. Some, too, are quite full of themselves...and have their own issues. At the very least I dunno if I'd want to stay with someone who was manipulative, minimizing or invalidating. Kinda blows the trust I need in that environment. Not knowing your exact situation, I can only speak for myself, ok?

As suggested above, at the least you can confront her about it. If not face-to-face, write it and let her read it. I cannot emphasize enough, you DO have a choice to go elsewhere and find someone with whom you're comfortable! It may not feel easy. In fact, you may want to start shopping for someone new BEFORE your next session so you have ammunition when/if you confront her. You'll feel a lot better and more confident just for having taken (I hate this term) a proactive approach.

Literally, you don't owe her a thing. You've already paid her fee. You're not tied to her.

(As someone with long term clinical depression, one of my worst experiences was a smug therapist who told me, "You know what your problem is? You don't do anything until you're backed in a corner!" Confrontational. Zero empathy. And it threw me into a deeper depression. I never went back).

Please let us know how you're coping (or not...that's important, too) and how it turns out. You've got a bunch of us guys backing you up, whatever your decision. At my worst this summer, I like to tell people these guys carried my by my armpits, feet dragging behind. Meanwhile, too, just to get you through, you can post here and PM with other members.

#414935 - 11/01/12 07:05 AM Re: In a crisis... [Re: Quixote0028]
Metolius Offline

Registered: 02/09/12
Posts: 41
Loc: Oregon
My first therapist told me, after memories of my early childhood abuse came flooding back, that I was making it up. That was my last session with him, and I immediately started looking around for my next therapist. A year later, a psychiatrist evaluating me said the same thing. Nothing further with him either.

In my mind it's pointless to spend any time or money on loser therapists like that. There are therapists who know what they're doing when dealing with our trauma and abuse. Those who have understood me and a believed me have been enormously helpful. Even my current therapist, who occasionally can be a pain in the ass when he gets confrontational about my self-defeating behavior. Still, I fundamentally trust him and believe him, because it's clear he has my back, and it's clear he understands the fundamental connection between my sexual trauma and my coping skills that have gone awry.

I'm wanting to launch into giving you advice but that's not appropriate. If I stick with my experience, the most I should say is that I was once advised to make my healing and my recovery my top priority, and any choices I make along the way should be gauged by whether that choice or decision supports my healing. Along with the load of dysfunctional stuff we carry as a result of CSA, I'm convinced we also have a well-tuned inner compass that knows what we need for health and recovery, and it's good to trust our own inner sense of direction.

#414940 - 11/01/12 10:12 AM Re: In a crisis... [Re: Quixote0028]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Q

I am so sorry that you have a thoughtless T. I don't know what to say, some T's feel that we cant remember details from a certain point, and that by default we are making things up. There is also the belief that we may have a false memory syndrome.

The best thing to do is to talk to her about it, Tell her that she made you feel bad and unbelievable.
Relationships with my T's were always a trust thing and the minute I felt I could not trust them, I would bolt, that Kinda defeats the object of the exercise.
What we are trying to do is develop a relationship, not run away when we feel bad.
Chat to her and try to work it out, if after that you still feel wrong and uncomfortable, then change.

BTW you are not blowing this out of proportion, these are valid feelings and valid emotions. You need to know that your feelings are important.

Heal well
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#414963 - 11/01/12 01:25 PM Re: In a crisis... [Re: Quixote0028]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1070
I'm with Martin on this.

You need to talk with your T about this, and if you get an unacceptable answer, then get a new T... but don't drop the T like a hat without communicating your issue.

Everyone here, including Martin, is correct that you are not blowing this out of proportion. You are 100% correct here.

I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.

#415027 - 11/02/12 01:36 AM Re: In a crisis... [Re: Quixote0028]
TwoSpiritRising Offline

Registered: 11/02/12
Posts: 32
Hey Q,

Yeah, it can be really lonely. I've never found a therapist who sat through mind-numbing school, or especially who has anything to do with psychiatry that has any "realness" that i can relate to.
I am hearing your betrayal and repulsion from going back, and I understand completely. As someone who was abused for years and only realized the abuse through dreams, I have still not confronted friends and family who were near me at the time just beause of this very fear. I know what's real, and holy goddess, was that real. And I know it checks out, too, with what I know of these individuals/these thoughtless adults toying with (and stealing away for many years) my childhood innocence.
The problem with my family is that they are pretty good at denial too (I did it for 20-some years). I'm a little afraid of both possibilities. One: that I'll find out that it was true, and that they were powerless to stop it. Two: that they don't believe. Or maybe even three: that I can tell they are still willing to fight to *make* me deny it, which would make me the most angry of all, and make them enablers of my rape, trauma, and repression.
I agree with all though, if you're paying someone to help you get in touch with your feelings, you should feel safe with them to do that. Watch out for your own defenses, though. You can decide that you are safe, too.
But, sometimes, it takes walking the path, and honestly, peer support would serve us most greatly, and also becoming safe enough to confide in those we love and trust and support with our own attentiveness.

G'luck buddy,


#419332 - 12/17/12 06:12 AM Re: In a crisis... [Re: Quixote0028]
TwoSpiritRising Offline

Registered: 11/02/12
Posts: 32
Hey Quixote,

How did it go with your therapist?


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