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#414702 - 10/30/12 03:37 AM Seperated and need advice...Please...
WayTooConfused Offline

Registered: 10/28/12
Posts: 48
Loc: Florida
My wife and I have been seperated since March of this year. Our seperation was over finances, not abuse or being unfaithful. (I could never do that to her and she would admit that I wouldn't do that.) I only recently told her what happened to me. For more details read my post at

We tried to have a conversation about these incidents, but after trying to explain to her why I had kept that a secret from her after our 11 year relationship and nearly 10 years of marriage, she made me feel very inadaquate. She made me feel that inferior to her, that I never spoke to her.

I tried to tell her that admitting to her that I, a Male, had been gang raped with a broomstick by other Males, was something I couldn't admit to her, because of how I was raised that men are supposed to be strong in today's society.

That for me to admit to her, that I was weak, that I couldn't break my silence to her and just openly admit that this happened to me.

I simply didn't want to admit to her that I wasn't the REAL MAN that she loved and married.

So, I guess what I'm asking from this community is:
How do I explain to her about this?

I still love this woman. I need and still want the loving and caring woman that I came to love and respect, and married.

#414715 - 10/30/12 10:18 AM Re: Seperated and need advice...Please... [Re: WayTooConfused]
Blue1966 Offline

Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 83
Loc: USA
First, you were and are a real man. What man wouldn't do whatever it took to protect his family? That's what you did, even though that meant you suffered alone for it all these years.

I know you don't see it now but, that takes incredible strength to even hold it together as long as you did.

All you can do is tell her basically what you posted in the post you linked and hope she understands. No everyone can handle being a secondary and knowing what we endured.

She may never understand all of the reasons you kept silent for so long, that leaves you with a choice to accept that about her and deal with it, or - unfortunately, move on and someday, find someone you can trust who can handle it better for you.

#414786 - 10/30/12 11:44 PM Re: Seperated and need advice...Please... [Re: WayTooConfused]
northernflicker Offline

Registered: 08/20/12
Posts: 88
It might be that she simply needs time.

I, too, am separated from my CSA husband. He didn't disclose to me until almost a year after we separated. I came here after that and saw my marriage, my husband and myself all over these boards. Everything finally made sense.

It might be important to understand how your wife is feeling about your disclosure...the what, the when, the how, etc. The context is different but I can tell you how I felt.

I felt I'd failed as a wife because he was unable to trust me, to share his deepest secrets with me.
I felt I was never, ever given a chance to have a successful marriage with him because he chose to hide from me.
I felt that maybe he was using his abuse as a reason to not deal with his abuse, if that makes sense, to excuse his acting out behaviours, which continue today.
I felt deeply hurt and betrayed that he told his affair partner before me.
I felt honoured that he finally did tell me, but saddened that it was only once he'd left me.
I wished I could take away his fear, the fear that kept and keeps him trapped.
I hope with all my heart that he gets the help he needs because without doing so, he is no good to himself or anybody else. But he is at his core a very good man. I miss him.

Your wife might share my feelings. But she might not. However acknowledging and validating whatever feelings she is having about this is important with regard to reconciliation. Has she told you, or have you asked her, how she feels about anything you have told her, or how or when you did so?

When and how and if you tell anybody anything about what happened to you are all within your rights and your comfort, of course. My feelings in response to my husband's disclosure to me are not a condemnation of your choices. Nor were they of his.

It's simply that my feelings are as valid as his pain. Understanding how she feels could help your cause. If she is the loving, caring woman you came to love, respect and marry, she will get to where you need her to be. Just as you needed your time, she probably needs hers.

Best of luck with this. I do hope it works out for you.

#414788 - 10/30/12 11:47 PM Re: Seperated and need advice...Please... [Re: WayTooConfused]
angiec Offline

Registered: 10/28/12
Posts: 21

Edited by angiec (12/05/12 07:23 PM)

#414822 - 10/31/12 05:53 AM Re: Seperated and need advice...Please... [Re: WayTooConfused]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa

Sorry for the pain man, I know all to well as I had been through the same with my wife. Twice she kicked me out of the house and It was really tough.
There were times when I thought it was over, but after examining myself =very very deeply, I came to the conclusion that I really did love the lady intensely.
Sometimes the love we feel is mere convenience and comfort. When I had moved out the second time I decided that I was going to live it up and have fun, sow my wild oats so to speak, but I couldn't. I then realized that I really did care for her.

So I put all selfish things aside and set out to prove that I cared for her and only her, it took a while but I am home again and things are getting worked out.
Try and get her to join MS as a partner and she can ask questions and talk to other survivors, if she doesn't believe you perhaps she will believe others.

Hang in their, "it aint over till the fat lady sings"

Heal well
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