Lord almighty, between the crap happening with my father, the crap happening with my family as a result of same, the lack of money, friends' crises, etc., I'm feeling a wave of emotions that I just don't want to deal with.
I want to blow a wad of cash, which since I don't have a lot, isn't an issue, although the temptation to blow SOMETHING I can't afford is strong. I may spend a little to keep from going mad, but this isn't the problem. Full-blown self-destructive tendancies are, vis a vie cutting myself, drinking, etc.
The thing is I really CRAVE the alcohol right now. Story of my life, when I want something, I want HUGE!
Hacking away at myself also has its seduction, but I can't hide it if I go too far and do real damage.
I just want it to go away. Childish. But drink and pain makes it go away for a while.