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#413789 - 10/21/12 05:41 AM I'm having a selfish moment
RunningOnEmpty Offline

Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 91
Loc: georgia

Edited by RunningOnEmpty (01/02/13 12:24 AM)

#413791 - 10/21/12 06:35 AM Re: I'm having a selfish moment [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
phoenix321 Offline

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
I see co-dependent a lot on F&F. I'd look that up and make sure you are not that. And, yeah, grieve over the lost time that CSA stole him from you and your kids. The other I don't know about. No one ever cared about me enough to try.

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

#413800 - 10/21/12 12:21 PM Re: I'm having a selfish moment [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
G1psy Offline

Registered: 04/19/10
Posts: 13
Loc: Netherlands
Hi runningOnEmpty,

Your feelings are very normal i think, I feel that way sometimes, and i know a lot of partners do too.
I don't think you are being selfish in any way. Vent all you want, and feelings are never selfish or whatever, they are just there, a signal. Take them seriously.
I don't know if im correct when i say that i think a lot of relationships between CSA victoms/survivors, and their partners, are very complex and so are the feelings that come with it.

You sort of contradict yourself when you say:
a big part of me feels that since i was the one who was not abused- i can't be hurt. is that weird? like the abuse is a trump card?

I feel betrayed. I feel disappointed. My H recently went to a Weekend of Recovery. I am so proud of him. However, I am so angry at him.
I've been with this man for 10 years and I have given him all of me. I bear my emotions, my heart, my experiences. So for 10 years he hasn't been doing the same. I THOUGHT that I knew my h. But nope. I thought he was as emotionally intimate in the marriage like I was. Nope. I feel like a fool. I have delt with so much manipulation and emotional turmoil from this man and if it wasn't for my faith, and my determination, he would be at a very different point in his life. So while he is healing, and getting better, what about me??

You have been hurt by all of this RunningOnEmpty, face it!

You know you haven't got a trump card.
If you had, you would have used it by now, cool
I know i would have.

I also think these feelings have nothing to do with co-dependancy, you just want the best for your family, like you say you have given it your all, and now it looks like you heading for more calm waters, you finally can deal with your own pain and disappointment and betrayal issues.
Its normal, allthough confusing, that these feelings surface when your husband is doing better.

There is a lot of information about this very issue on

Talking with a therapist, someone for you alone, writing etc, also helps. So vent away smile

Your feelings are perfectly valid and need to be adressed that way to.
My husband never says: "you weren't the one that was abused", but i know he thinks and feels that way sometimes.

I was happy before, and now im stuck with a bunch of crap. My values, dreams, even the way i look at people, has been altered by all of this.

Thats not a small deal at all. Some partners on this forum call it hell sometimes. And i feel that way to on some days.
But its our hurt and pain and only we can make that heal. Don't wait for a troubled man to adress your pain, do it yourself, (in the first place)

Good luck runningOnEmpty, hang in there. smile


#413802 - 10/21/12 12:54 PM Re: I'm having a selfish moment [Re: phoenix321]
G1psy Offline

Registered: 04/19/10
Posts: 13
Loc: Netherlands
Hi phoenix321,

I see co-dependent a lot on F&F.

Me too, but i also read from a recent study that marriages that are the most succsesfull, (partners feel content, they stay together more then 25+ years etc) are between partners that both have some co-dependent stuff going on.

They are content when the other is content, and unhappy when the other is in pain or distress. They grow together and are sort of emotionally and spiritually intwined at some point.
My great-grandpa died of grief when his wife died. Some say that when your loved one dies, it feels like your leg is missing.

They postpone their own wishes and desires, for the sake of the other, and are happy with that. (and vice versa)

I guess the key-word is vice versa here wink

I would sign up for a bond like that! I think that is just what i was going for with my husband....

Now when this is the relationship you thought you had, and all this CSA fallout comes along, it is sort of a nightmare you can imagine.. Where is the vice versa!!!!

Being abused and treated bad on a daily basis, ignored and belittled, and taking it because you think you have a relationship, is a nother issue.


#413809 - 10/21/12 01:25 PM Re: I'm having a selfish moment [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
northernflicker Offline

Registered: 08/20/12
Posts: 88

Your feelings of anger, pain, betrayal are valid. Your husband's part in them was probably not intentional but more of a case of being scared or unable to see past his own pain. That, however, does not make it less for you. My CSA husband walked out of my life more than a year ago. While his behavior and our marriage were exactly the same as everybody else's here, he didn't tell me about his abuse until about two months ago. He did, however, tell his affair partner. The pain and betrayal I still feel because I was sucker punched and never had a chance can be overwhelming sometimes. But I, like you, am entitled to it. The most important thing is what you do with those feelings. Don't feel guilty for having them or let them eat you up.

#413812 - 10/21/12 03:23 PM Re: I'm having a selfish moment [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
Blue1966 Offline

Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 83
Loc: USA
First, your feelings are valid and understandable. I would hope that my partner would be able to come to me with anything as well.

Second, it is generally easier for us (survivors) to tell details to other survivors than to "normals" so, I understand why your H did that too.

Being a secondary survivor is one of the hardest roes to take on. We have so much going on and, so many things that have to play into a relationship, thing we can't control or help but, that make it harder to maintain a good relationship.

Stick with your H. Talk to him. One thing a lot of secondaries forget is that it's okay to ask us to be your supporter too. We are broken, yes but not weak, and not incapable of being there for you. In fact most of us would love to have our partners feel they can lean on us as much as we lean on them at times.

#413820 - 10/21/12 04:15 PM Re: I'm having a selfish moment [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
WVguy Offline

Registered: 09/23/12
Posts: 18
Loc: Upstate New York
To offer my perspective as a survivor for you ROE. From how it reads I am very much like your H in that I never really opened up to my girlfriend, unt the shit completely hit the fan with us. And it's not a matter of wanting to hide anything or keep it from your spouse, but that I physically could not get myself to talk about it. I wanted to, and I tried to on many occasions but would clam up and shut down. Just support him, like it was mentioned earlier. We want to be strong for our partners as well.

#413832 - 10/21/12 08:30 PM Re: I'm having a selfish moment [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa

Again What therapy have you gone to, are you in a group. It is silly to think that you have been with this man for ten years and he has not affected your life.
Dont end up in the same position we are in at the moment.
I feel like a new person and my wife cant get to grips with what is happening, She still wants payback, she is un-trusting unbelieving and unable to accept my change.

I cannot blame her, but keep feeling that this could have been avoided if she had attended a Al-Anon or CODA group.
I hope that you will learn to accept that things can change. If your H is going to WoR weekends I pray that things will start changing for him, but more so I hope that you are ready for it.

Heal well
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#413845 - 10/22/12 12:13 AM Re: I'm having a selfish moment [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
This is not a CSA phenomenon. This is what happens to most unions when one person starts getting healthier. I have read about this as it relates to drug addicts or alcoholics. They make movies about this stuff! Spouse comes home from rehab and they are a new person...

When our identity is tied to someone else's behavior, there is a great potential for trouble. It is a component of co-dependence (an unhealthy component). I think every partner struggles with this - feeling un-involved with some part of the journey to wholeness. Whome is right, it is a principle of groups like Al-Anon - our identity is not found in them.

All said, you should still feel free to vent away wink We've all been there - or are there wink

#413864 - 10/22/12 02:29 AM Re: I'm having a selfish moment [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
karin4him Offline

Registered: 03/18/12
Posts: 23
Loc: Illinois
I have these moments myself from time to time. My h is going through aa, but has not started dealing with his csa, except for coming on here. It drives me crazy that he can share all of this with strangers but not with his wife of 25 years. I am a survivor of csa myself, but I'm not sure I would say either one of us has a trump card. I want to support him but I'm not sure how much he trusts me with his feelings and thats painful, but I hope in time, we will find the right balance, because I can't fix him, he has to do it himself. And I can either hang on and pray we make it to the other side or walk away, which I'm not ready to do now.

This is a good place to vent because you know you are not alone here.

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