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#413827 - 10/21/12 02:51 PM lost
jb1973 Offline

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 9
i just wanted to ask some advice from people who i know have walked in my shoes. i was sexually abused by 2 different men when i was 9 years old. I'm not ready for the details yet but i am getting there a little more every day.
i am 39 yrs old and recently married to an absolutely beautiful, sexy , smart and funny woman. we knew each other as teenagers and reconnected as adults after a 17 yr absence. she is the first person i ever felt comfortable enough to share my story with. its been almost 2 years since i told her what happened to me. she got me into therapy and has helped me in so many ways. now to the point of my question...
i struggle every day with a severe lack of sex drive. that whole subject makes me uncomfortable. she is such an attractive beautiful woman. im lost and dont know what to do. this is crushing her. her self esteem is in shambles and she is getting more and more depressed every day. i need to stop rejecting her. i dont do it on purpose, its like a defense , but that doesnt stop it from hurting her. does anyone out there know of anything that can help me get past this. i cant keep hurting my wife like this. shes stands by me through all of this without getting any support of her own. she deserves better from me. im lost and dont know what to do

#413833 - 10/21/12 04:43 PM Re: lost [Re: jb1973]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1739
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa

You ask a lot of questions and give us very little to go on.
Although you are not intereested in sex, you need to be getting relief somewhere, if not, well that opens a whole new can of worms that only a really good T can fix.

If you are using porn and masturbation as a tool for relief well then that is your problem.
These things act the same as drugs and alcohol, they numb our emotions and feelings.
This has been my experience, and at 48 I am doing better than ever, Its great to feel.
I'm not going to ramble on, but if you would like to PM me and give me more details, you are welcome.

Heal well
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#413843 - 10/21/12 07:39 PM Re: lost [Re: jb1973]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4151
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
jb - that sounds pretty "normal" for someone withy your/our past. we often tend to either turn into s*x addicts or try to avoid it entirely. i was like you. i could not help myself. i had to get experienced, knowledgable, professional help from a good T - that eventually involved both me and my wife. it has really helped both of us. unfortunately i waited far too long and the ingrained habits make it much more difficult to change. but is possible and we are doing much better just in the past couple months. since you are recently married, there is much hope for you. do it now, before you waste years like i did!

"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

#413850 - 10/21/12 08:44 PM Re: lost [Re: jb1973]
jb1973 Offline

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 9
I am working with a good therapist but progress is slow. But slow is better than nothing. Does anyone know of a support group or something similar that could help my wife. I would be most grateful.


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