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#413824 - 10/21/12 05:52 PM My introduction and thanks
Steve12rb Offline

Registered: 10/21/12
Posts: 2
I want to thank everyone who's posted their words of support and encouragement to others here. While my story is different from many others who post here, I have benefited greatly from reading your stories and words of encouragement to each other. This is my first post here, and I want to share that your kind and supportive words to each other help everyone who reads them, whether they are contributing to this community or not.

I honestly do not know if I was molested as a small child or not. I exhibited a host of behavioral red flags common to young abuse victims, and I have dim memories of molestation and physical abuse from a young age.

My family was a conservative religious family that taught me that masturbation would send me to hell. One of my red flags was constant masturbation, which created a vicious cycle of despair, masturbating (trying to self-soothe), and more despair. By the time I was 11, I was having nightmares about being hell-bound, where I would be attacked, degraded, and raped....this is why I don't know if my memories of abuse were from actual events, or were just a product of my mind.

I am 33 now and am a totally different person. I have gone through periods of major depression, drug abuse, and very low self-esteem, and I cannot say that I am out of the woods yet. There is hardly a day that goes by where I don't deal with emotional scars from my childhood. But reading others' comments and support here helps. It helps so much, and makes me realize that all my issues are shared by so many others. Thank you to everyone here who shares their stories of abuse, their words of encouragement, and their stories of growth.

#413830 - 10/21/12 07:14 PM Re: My introduction and thanks [Re: Steve12rb]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1070
Hi Steve,

Welcome to MS, and congrats on making a big step towards recovery by making your first post here.

You aren't the only one who thinks you were abused but lacks the memory. It took me a long time to come to terms with that myself, but... as my screen name indicates, I now wear that badge proudly, even though not remembering the abuse has its own set of problems and issues.

You might hear the phrase "dissociative amnesia" to describe the condition you talk about. Your mind doesn't think you can handle it, so it's keeping it from you... That's what I think is going on inside my mind, anyway.

Glad you're here. PM me if you need to talk.

I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.

#413847 - 10/22/12 12:37 AM Re: My introduction and thanks [Re: cant_remember]
petercorbett Offline

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2509
Hi, my fraternal brother, Steve.

Welcome to MS. Here you will receive compassion, understanding & hope, from your brothers (fraternal) & friends (in pain.)

We all have been there. We have been into the depths of our soul & hell too.

We will hear your cries. We will help in your fears & share in your tears.

Be prepared for the emotional roller coaster ride of your life.

Masturbation & believing that we were headed straight to hell is most something that most of may have been told too.
For some of us it's still a compulsive thing. I'm 73 & that's a part of me too, along with being gay.

May I suggest the book Victims No Longer, by Mike Lew. It's sort of the bible for us in recovery. There are others.

We here in MS have a lot to offer. Healing circles on Sunday & Wednesday evenings, a moderated forum. It's in a safe room (where only those in it can read it), what is said there stays there. They start at 9pm eastern time. They are by invitation only. All you have to do is be in chat just before the starting time & watch & see when someone posts anyone here for HC, please type it in. Then after he sets up the safe room, you will get a pop up on your screen that says accept or not. Then you are in the safe room. You don't have to say anything, just sit & observe & then when ever you feel comfortable & then, you can request floor time & say what ever issue that you have on your mind.

So, my fraternal brother, Steve, wishing you well on your journey to healing. You are on your way.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.


It's usually a good bet that if you think that you may have been sexually abused, you were.
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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