I think I am clearing away
some confusion -

for myself mostly

and hopefully for others -

I have had limitations that were a consequence of my past -

and limitations that were endemic to me -
and my general abilities -

today - i suffered some more bad stuff from
a man - who withdrew an offer of support -

it was shocking -

and yet - i reeled a little bit realizing how linear things would get if - I would only think in terms of how careful I would need to be
at expressions of any feeling or thought whatever -

but I also then started to evaluate -

and throw away the negativity
and not allow these
manipulative folks be the focus -

- I then took - a step to think -

on how I say things sometimes well have said -
there are like two sides
that are confusing
and I feel bad for what I have said -

This is the second part of this whole observation and essay - -

I complained about people - peope who had been there - but in my time of high wiredness and anxiety I had all this venom misunderstood even by me -
I needed to vent -

but the idea is

I tend to be or
used to be so so emotional - reactive -

I know it is now -

because the parameters in which I was trained to live in
and be reactive too from the get go -
- were too strict -

too much more than my sense of self as a child --

and so there was a disconnect between who I was -
which I have been trying to find out -

and the truth of the situation in light of - the relative reason or rational of the moment -

like - If I were upset - and someone could not
be there - or be available -
I would be furious - or reactive -
or it would build up

and my knowing now there could be a host of reasons -
like they are with their loved one -
or being self protective whatever -
or they had work to do - or whatever -

It is confusing now - too look back

and so I am geting to know now that there are people who were there for me - friends - like this girl Stephanie in London area -
is really such a wonderful friend -

I was too much forced to deal with 'public' stuff too soon -
and so I was not prepared to understand
and so I did not understand
her more adult like
understandings of dynamic
and relationships -

it is wild too that we both have all grown up now -
I have known her since 12 -
and she just wrote me a letter -
from the UK - she used to be in LA -
and we spoke today on the phone -

Anyway - I am blessed men -
I am blessed to have ALL
AND EACH OF YOU to know -
each of you have taught me -

Keep throwing the negativity aside
and take the opportunity to grow
and know yourself -
and not seek out the draining
but go for the people who make you feel good
and you will get strong -

I want to reach you and tell you each -
Keep growing -



"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous