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#413479 - 10/18/12 09:01 AM Re: Fake [Re: Jude]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Since we're all up at this awful GMT-5 hour...boy, talk about companionship!

See if this registers at all, Jude:

I did inpatient codep treatment years ago. I was ready for it and jumped in with both feet...curling up in the corner the first day, in front of a group of strangers, crying, screaming, etc. That was raw and real (vis-a-vis my pain).

My personal trap - given all my issues - is sometimes I've felt that unless I'm in agonizing emotional pain, it's not real. What about all the other feelings?

I still struggle sometimes with my knack for being gregarious, conversational and genuinely interested in what (some) people have to say. Okay, it started as a survival tool. But it developed into a part of my personality because I found it encouraged people to open up to me.

I have an outstanding sense of humor. Again, a survival tool. If I'm entertaining, I won't get hurt. Or an avoidance tool (as any of us in therapy knows). But it requires mental agility and the ability to appreciate irony, for instance. How often has that helped me cheer someone up? Nor, without it, would I have my two closest friends who tell me I'm the only one who can keep up with their IQs (who? ME? wtf?). A consequence of that is it keeps me on my toes, engaged and I'm always learning something from them.

As I reread the thread, it occurred to me this subject is perfect for a mini Fourth Step, if you're inclined.

(Somehow, traveler, I can't visualize you slobbering)

#413481 - 10/18/12 09:12 AM Re: Fake [Re: Jude]
crazy gecko Offline

Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Originally Posted By: Jude
My whole life has been about keeping secrets. I kept the abuse secret, my bipolar & OCD symptoms secret, my drinking secret. The world saw me as this together, successful man who had it all. Education, career, family, etc. But it was all fake.

I still feel like a fake, even when I'm at an AA meeting with all the other drunks. Even here, with all the other CSA survivors. Even at the shrink's office where the waiting room's full of nutcases. Its like no part of me is REALLY real. Does anybody know what I mean?

I hear you.

Perhaps this is why I always hated AA. It felt like everyone else there were honest, but I couldn't be. I can never show the real me. Sometimes it almost feels like the real me doesn't exist any more... Like, who the fuck am I anyway? I've been wearing masks for so long I've started believing in them myself. So I keep up the act instead. Its so much easier.

Even here - I can promise you I wouldn't have been able to tell you that face to face.

It would've been fine if I wasn't so damn lonely behind this mask, and so scared that someone will find out...
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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