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#413310 - 10/16/12 08:58 PM Dying inside
Magellan Offline

Registered: 01/01/11
Posts: 1598
Loc: California
After yet another failed attempt at dating and intimacy and taking the biggest risk I've ever taken and being honest and open and trusting the other guy I was with, I'm so heart broken.

Well, I guess I grew up with a broken heart.

Meeting him was like the universe finally saying "Yes, we hear your prayers and life long torture". The shattered pieces of my heart were assembling together, and I could have sworn I discovered where romance is inside of me.

Only to have it ripped away from me just when I was getting comfortable to the idea of it being real.

I've been chronically lonely all my life. On top of the CSA issues, I was also bullied by my entire class. I was also born with 2 disabilities - crossed eyes and severe hearing loss. I missed out on a lot. Also on top of that, my mom severely neglected me. I got no parenting from her at all.

My life is a slow motion trainwreck that started 40 years ago. I've just been watching as each car in the train smashes up against the other car, derailing and crashing to the ground. Slow motion. I've done everything I can to try an avoid the wreck and not become a casualty of the wreck myself, but my god I'm so tired of fighting and working.

To top it all off my dad was developmentally retarded. He had no business having kids, and he did. I have grown up believing I am also mentally retarded, and it is experiences like these (not understanding romance or intimacy) that lend me to continue believing that I'm just a retard.

I'm dying inside.

#413315 - 10/16/12 10:08 PM Re: Dying inside [Re: Magellan]
InsideTheWall Offline

Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 297
If anything, you're slightly ahead of me. I'm getting close to the point of being able to have a girlfriend. Having said that, I expect to bare my heart and be rejected more than once.

I can definitely understand your point about the universe finally giving you something, but that you were even able to try is a sign of progress. You're moving forward. I really don't think this setback is as big of deal as you think.

I also have a hearing loss. I wasn't born with it, but it came from an infection at a young age. I learned to talk before then, so my speech is unaffected and normal. As for being retarded, you don't strike me that way in your post. Your English is logical and concise. You seem as bright as most people.

Edited by InsideTheWall (10/16/12 10:22 PM)

#413316 - 10/16/12 10:22 PM Re: Dying inside [Re: Magellan]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1070
Retards don't write as well as you do, so I don't believe you're retarded for a second.

As for the pain you're feeling, I'm not there at the moment, but I can see it from here.
I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.

#413360 - 10/17/12 02:33 AM Re: Dying inside [Re: Magellan]
risingagain Offline

Registered: 11/10/10
Posts: 597
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Magellan I believe in you and I believe that this too has a reason... Will it be a nail in your coffin or will it be the grain of sand that you build a pearl out of?

Up to you buddy. I believe in you.

#413413 - 10/17/12 04:55 PM * [Re: Magellan]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 04:35 PM)

#413431 - 10/17/12 11:24 PM Re: Dying inside [Re: Magellan]
Casmir213 Offline

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 851
Loc: Northeast, USA

I'm very sorry things didn't work out for you. I can't begin to say that I know what kind of pain you are in right now. My experience in relationships have been nonexistent. I can, however, sense your frustration and pain over having tried and tried your whole life but never having had things work out into a close relationship. I can also sense that you are feeling hopeless about things now. I hope that this feeling passes and that you can somehow and some day gain a different perspective on what happened. It may take time though, but I hope you can get there.

I don't know if this is pushing things or not (I apologize ahead of time if it is), but I was just wondering if you yourself hadn't felt deep down inside that things were moving too fast? I say this because this is what I was thinking when you asked those questions here at MS back when the guy you were dating starting talking about "commitment" things, making things much more serious and intimate by doing so. I'm not trying to assign to you feelings that you didn't have, but if you did feel that way (and I know that only you can know this), maybe somehow you conveyed this hesitancy (?) to him. You seemed to agree with the assessment that maybe he felt/took the questions as rejection, which would account for him maybe saying that he didn't feel close to you (when maybe he did and just didn't want to you to see that he was hurt). This is just an outside perspective coming from a person who is looking at things dispassionately, but maybe it can help somehow.

If you find that what I'm saying has any truth or accuracy to it, then this very painful experience can also become a very valuable learning experience. There's no doubt that all of us here at MS will have intimacy and trust issues, please don't beat yourself up about that if this played a part in what happened. Your experience shows (for you and for all of us who are listening) that these issues are very real and have very real and very painful consequences as they play themselves out in our very real lives.

If I'm incorrect about this, I'm sorry. I don't mean to make matters worse for you by assigning to you feelings you didn't have or to come across as blaming in any way. This isn't about that at all. I'm coming from a place of wanting and trying to help.

I don't know you, but you don't come across as someone who has a developmental disability. Perhaps these are just fears that you have about yourself. What I can assume is that you are probably dealing with similar issues that all of us survivors are dealing with. Please hang on. We do care and hope to see you through this.

I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

#413438 - 10/18/12 01:05 AM Re: Dying inside [Re: Magellan]
Anthony39 Offline

Registered: 02/15/07
Posts: 345
Loc: Montreal, Canada
Your post touched a chord with me all the way to your last sentence, "I'm dying inside". I disagree with that one in a way. A lot of us have lived in isolation even if surrounded by people, we are good at pretending.some of us even have families without giving ourselves for fear of being discovered for who we are.that is if we even know who the fuck we are. We cannot be dying if we have never lived in the first place. We are/were ghosts just aimlessly walking the earth.
My point is that you are not exactly dying inside, but living inside. You opened yourself to a relationship, you took a chance, it didn't work out, but you'll learned something from it and now you experience the pain of the living. It's a great achievement. The pain will melt eventually and you will meet another person in time. It's all good man. In the mean time allow yourself to mourn the loss , but not as you being at fault or undeserving, but as a part of life. Ben & Jerry are a great help in those moments I understand.
Be strong,
Look up and not down; look forward and not back; look out and not in; and lend a hand.
E. E. Hale

#413447 - 10/18/12 03:19 AM Re: Dying inside [Re: Magellan]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
You know D that I'm not one to get into heavy with you when you're raw like this. So, in response to Anthony:

Haagen Dazs is preferable...especially the dark chocolate. Makes me feel amazing....Vons, 7-Eleven, whatever it takes.

One thing I wish I had for both you and me right now is my musclebound former doctor whose comment when gingerly - so as not to cause me more pain - examining my first case of shingles was, "You poor thing!" Mygawd, that did wonders for me.


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