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#413416 - 10/17/12 06:14 PM Was this rape?
KKCD Offline

Registered: 10/17/12
Posts: 1
Loc: GA
OK, I just found out about something that happened to my husband 3 years ago. He kept it hidden because he felt he had cheated on me, and did not want to hurt me. He was working on a long-term construction project in a large city in a different state from where we live. His room & board were company-provided. In the evenings almost all the men, DH included, would go to the bar that was about 150 yards from their hotel. They ate and drank. Sometimes they drank a lot. A woman who hung out at the bar started hanging around with them, and seemed to like DH's roommate. She was friendly towards DH, but not overly so. One night they were all really drunk, and roommate would not let the woman drive home, so he took her back to their hotel, and DH poured himself into his own bed with little regard for her, and passed out. He remembers getting up, staggering to the bathroom to pee, still drunk, and noticing his roommate was not there, but the woman was still there. He went back to sleep, and he swears the next thing he remembers is waking up with her on top of him, riding his erection. He says he was still slightly drunk and it felt good, so he didn't think to stop her. I told him that what she did was legally rape, and that I'd like to contact the police, but he says it can't be rape because he didn't try to stop her and he's sorry he cheated. What do you all think?

#413425 - 10/17/12 07:59 PM Re: Was this rape? [Re: KKCD]
WVguy Offline

Registered: 09/23/12
Posts: 18
Loc: Upstate New York
I would say that yes it is rape, to me that is no different than a guy at a frat party that gets a girl drunk to the point where she cannot consent to sex and still does it anyway.

#413426 - 10/17/12 08:02 PM Re: Was this rape? [Re: KKCD]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5972
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
Hello KKCD,

According to the information your husband offered, this was rape. If the tables were turned, the woman drunk and a man(or another woman) groped and penetrated her, that would be considered rape.

It is difficult to gauge how an adult male will react to rape. Culture and society have glorified casual sex, so to have such an encounter might be considered fortunate, even anticipated. He seems to want to carry the burden for this, and in my humble opinion, what he wants is for the best for him.

If this were a woman who confided in you that she was raped but did not want to press charges, what would you do? I suggest a similar course of action here.

We do not want our loved ones to suffer, but we need to trust them as well, this can be a catch 22. Unless there is an emergency situation in his life that would make him aware of his need to face that situation as rape, it is unlikely he will.

My best to you KKCD, there are a few shares in here of adult male rape, one that lead to pregnancy, I encourage you to find them.

MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#413440 - 10/18/12 01:39 AM Re: Was this rape? [Re: KKCD]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Rape is defined as sex that lacks consent correct? So it seems that this is a tough case because he was not able to consent - but then when he was able, he did consent. He does clearly say that when he realized what was happening, he did not ask that it stop.

I agree with Sam that this situation needs to be one that your husband is in control of.

That said, you get to decide what feels right for you. I would take exception with my husband sleeping in a room with a unknown female and being so drunk as to not be able to protect himself or not give his consent. As I am sure my husband would take exception with me putting myself in that situation. This may not be a case of straight up infidelity, but it is a case of weak boundaries.

#413462 - 10/18/12 05:43 AM Re: Was this rape? [Re: KKCD]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa

Yep, it was rape and the guilt and shame that the H feels right now are huge. Now the problem is that he feels guilt, but his buddies and society think that he got lucky. So H at this point has very conflicted emotions. Society says that he is a real man and scored, but his emotions tell him that he is a cheat and that he was violated.
Because men are taught all their lives to ignore their emotions,(tough boys don't cry, and don't be such a baby and cowboys don't cry etc.) there will be great inner turmoil in his life.

Support but don't push, and try to get him into some form of trauma and rape counseling.
You also need to be careful as this this will take its emotional toll on your life, take care of yourself.

Heal well
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#413493 - 10/18/12 01:31 PM Re: Was this rape? [Re: KKCD]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2716
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Kk.

Another fact to remember about the "didn't stop it" business is that such an act would be violent.

i was gang raped at school by girls as a teenager, and never stopped it either, simply because I did not hit people that was unthinkable, despite having my face spat in and other insults during the act, and the fact that my mind was physically devorced from how my body reacted.

Indeed, the one occasion i did punch one of the girls involved she told a teacher and I got a right royal yelling at.

After all, boys don't hit girls!

A friend of my dad's who used to work in a shelter for survivers of domestic violence once said they got a six foot four very strongly built man coming in with black eyes and a broken nose. it turned out his wife was under five foot five, and when asked why he didn't defend himself he said "but she's so small! I couldn't hit her!"

so, as well as the glorification of casual s/x and everything else, there is that fact to considder too. i think even now if the same thing happened to me as to your husband I wouldn't resist either, indeed when i am triggered the first thing I do is freeze!

I'm really sorry to here what happened to him, and I hope you and he can get through what this woman did.

#413516 - 10/18/12 04:59 PM Re: Was this rape? [Re: KKCD]
Gretta Offline

Registered: 09/18/11
Posts: 240
It happened three years ago, how did you find out?


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