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#413392 - 10/17/12 11:58 AM How do you make up for the hurt you cause?
WVguy Offline

Registered: 09/23/12
Posts: 18
Loc: Upstate New York
I sit here after a week+ of nights of crappy sleep. A week ago I left my home with my girlfriend of 4 years to come to upstate NY to get help. The problem I am having now is that I went to an emergency psychiatric place and got put on two different meds (celexa and lamictal). But unfortunately for me since I don't have insurance or medicaid I have almost no options for therapy here like I thought I would. I am currently staying with my mother and stepfather (which REALLY sucks as a 33yr old man). I have hurt my girlfriend so badly over the last four years. My problem is that when I hit one of those points of stress in my life I go to online dating sites and find other women to talk to. The kicker is that my girlfriend is a gorgeous 5'2 redhead, that was the envy of many. And I seek out older overweight women online. I don't know if this is to recreate my abuse as I've read that many of us do. But I am trying to earn my way back home and I don't know how to do it. I talked to the gf the day before yesterday and at this point she says that no part of her wants me to return home. If you've read my story one of the themes I am sure shines through is the lifelong sense of being alone all the time. I had never had a place that ever truly felt like home to me until the last 4 years with this girl. And now I want to try to prove to her my sincere intent to become a healthy, whole man. Any ideas how to do that? I feel like at this point I should have stayed in WV to fight for my relationship instead of leaving to come here. And now I am just lost, I feel like the doors of help only open if you can afford it and I can't. The biggest thing I hate is being alone, it's like I am the only person I absolutely can't stand to be alone with.

edited to add ---- Anyone know of any groups or places in or near Syracuse, NY to get help?

Edited by WVguy (10/17/12 11:59 AM)

#413414 - 10/17/12 05:00 PM * [Re: WVguy]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 04:36 PM)

#413415 - 10/17/12 05:06 PM Re: How do you make up for the hurt you cause? [Re: WVguy]
WVguy Offline

Registered: 09/23/12
Posts: 18
Loc: Upstate New York
She knows, she posted on here a few times. But since I have come to NY to get help I don't think she is active on here at all. She knows what happened to me and knows thats why I act out in the ways I do. However she also says that doesn't absolve me of the responsibility of my own actions. At this point all I want to do is prove to her how much I love her and how much I hate every bit of hurt and pain I have caused her. She is actually the first person in my entire life that I trusted enough to tell the story of what happened to me. The problem is that the damage has been done and she feels betrayed now and doesn't know if she can ever trust me again. And it feels almost like physical pain to lose her and not have her in my life. I actually think it would be easier to go through therapy with her by my side but don't know if it will happen. I want to apologize to her everyday for everything I have done and get her to understand that I don't want to be like that. She is the first time I feel like I have truly loved someone other than my daughter.

#413478 - 10/18/12 08:41 AM Re: How do you make up for the hurt you cause? [Re: WVguy]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3864
Loc: South-East Europe
Hang on man,
there are a lot of similar stories in family and friends part of board, maybe you could read there in try to understand dynamics between survivor and spouse
You are on good path, you are acknowledging that you have problems and you are trying to start your healing.
It is journey and it needs some time and huge amount of work.
Take it easy, I know that must be terrible to be again lonely, but it could keep you more focused on your issues.
Look for any support available, there are stories, articles, books, chat rooms, chat sessions healing circles and many more that could help you.
Your girlfriend could be badly hurt and maybe she needs at the moment her own space for healing.
I hope you two will come together sometimes in future, I'll pray for that!

My story

#413480 - 10/18/12 09:06 AM Re: How do you make up for the hurt you cause? [Re: WVguy]
WVguy Offline

Registered: 09/23/12
Posts: 18
Loc: Upstate New York
Thank you for the prayers Pero.

I think lately I just seem completely overwhelmed all the time. For decades I have been the guy that is calm, even tempered, and never seems to have anything wrong with him. And I know it's just the facade I have built, because who in the hell would like me?

I think since everything has gone to hell with my gf it's actually forcing me to start looking at and acknowledge that I was abused from the time I was 6 until I was 14. And at this point since I have said my piece to my abuser I don't have the anger left that I used to use to protect me. I want to be mad at my girlfriend, I want to blame her, I want to look at her and say this is your fault just to make it easier for me. But I can't because I know it's a lie. I know that she loved with as much as she could and I basically spit in her face. And now all that's left is soul crushing guilt because I know nothing in this was her fault and I can't figure out a way to fix what I caused.

---edited for spelling

Edited by WVguy (10/18/12 09:07 AM)


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