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#413255 - 10/16/12 07:54 AM Re: Fuck it. I need help. [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1575
Loc: California
Thanks guys. I think I just have to accept there are some things I can't change. IE: I must be autistic. This isn't the first time that I've misread social cues.

I'm torturing myself trying to work so hard at recovery that I now wonder if any of it is worth it. My dad was developmentally retarded. And I've got a LOT of his characteristics.

My goal since I was 11 has always been to learn how to have relationships with people. 30 years later, I'm no closer. This has been one long torturous journey. It's been a long and windy path, and apparently, looking back at the path, I'm still standing in the same place I was when I was 11. Friendless and clueless.

I can't get 'there' if I can't trust my own senses. My senses have let me down 100% of the time. I've NEVER gotten anything right when it comes to matters of intimacy and closeness to others. **NEVER**

I hate myself, I hate my retarded pathetic stupid little life, and I hate what a sick cruel joke this planet is.

#413274 - 10/16/12 11:41 AM Re: Fuck it. I need help. [Re: Magellan]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1058
And yet, we still love you like a brother.

I'm deeply sorry for your acute pain right now. I, too, cannot maintain a relationship and subvert my own good opportunities with my defense mechanisms that drive away the people that I want to be with.

Dealing with my ruined relationships in the past has been the most painful things that I've endured... and yet, we muddle through.


Consider your namesake: Ferdinand Magellan was the first explorer to circumnavigate the globe when many still considered Earth to be flat. Don't hate yourself for surviving; look at what you've endured so far.

Life, even when it is cruel and filled with bullshit, is what we make of it. Right?
But he grew old, this knight so bold / And upon his heart a shadow / Fell as he found / No spot on the ground / That looked like El Dorado.

#413275 - 10/16/12 11:54 AM Re: Fuck it. I need help. [Re: cant_remember]
sandiego2325 Offline

Registered: 10/16/12
Posts: 9
i am new to this forum and I can already see the power healing power of connecting to people that been where I have; other people dont seem to understand that when a boy loses his virtue to a pedofile you almost say good bye to a normal life

#413298 - 10/16/12 01:56 PM * [Re: Magellan]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 12:35 PM)

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