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#413091 - 10/14/12 02:14 PM Fuck it. I need help.
Magellan Offline

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1593
Loc: California
Yes, its about the guy I've been dating. Without going into too much detail, a couple of significant things happened, and I came to a significant insight. I don't know what to do.

About 4 weeks in, we started talking about getting a crate for my dog to keep at his place so I could stay the night. I didn't recognize the emotional discomfort until too late. We did have a very brief talk about that. He said he just wanted to slow down and enjoy casual dating. Afterwards, someone told me it was like the "toothbrush problem". It denotes commitment.

I was confused by this. A week later, on our next date, he had the great idea of doing Ecstasy together, and had an intensely honest conversation. (We both don't normally do drugs). Seemed like a good idea to foster intimacy. He apparently had been worried about our talk last time. He mentioned my timidity and lack of intimacy, and I mentioned my issues with trust and intimacy. He was having doubts about our relationship. I told him that I thought we had a great opportunity if we had a go at it (a relationship), and that I would be a fool to walk away from that potential. He said he did recognize the potential for a very powerful relationship between us. But there was still some confusion and restraint and hesitation so we just ended it with keeping it casual.

That night I got a bad case of food poisoning and spent half the night in the bathroom. I realized in the middle of the haze that I'd made several terrible errors with him and sent him a text message to call me when he woke up.

When he called, I was delirious and emotional and very exposed and vulnerable. I told him about what happened, and I let my guard down. I asked him point blank what he wanted, and I told him what I wanted (they match), and admitted that I was feeling vulnerable and exposed. I came close to crying, and choked up and called him by his name towards the end of the conversation. He asked "are you ok?" I said I was fine and that I was delirious and tired and needed to go back to sleep.

Since then, we've exchanged only a few text messages, and his responses have been largely unreceptive and negative. It's been a week. On Wednesday, I got the clue and told him I would stop sending 'inane silly texts' and that I was hoping to see him again. He apologized, saying that he was feeling stressed out. I said not to worry about it. That was Wednesday. I haven't heard from him since.

I've since come to realize how my lack of trust and ability to grow intimate towards someone makes me ask questions and state comments that can come across as judgmental and make me look like an asshole. He was trying to clue me in on this several times, but I didn't get it. My behaving this way has been an attempt to show how 'cool' I am with relationships, that I'm not clingy. I have 'distance'. I've been this way with all my "intimate" relationships. But now I see that it can be perceived as very judgmental.

I have also learned how my lack of intimacy and trust got directly in the way of connecting deeper to him on a level that he was demonstrating and showing me he wanted to go to early on. I was partially unaware of this, and scared about it. Denial. Lack of trust. Lots of shame too. I learned that I'm great at verbal intimacy (lots of experience talking about things) but TERRIBLE at non verbal expressions of intimacy.

So now that I haven't heard from him in a few days, I'm going nuts. I need to resolve this and feel totally stupid and powerless. I feel like I've made the worst mistake in the world being so open and emotional with him, so early on. It was *really* out of character for me, and I suspect that I was still under some residual effects of the E. Regardless, I made myself look like a complete fool in front of him.

During one of our last text exchanges, he made some joking comment about his super hero ability to make other men nauseous. This was 2 days after my food poisoning episode. I was trying to assage his 'comical' self berating (he has an acerbic sense of humor) but he kept digging deeper. I finally let it go. I now wonder if he was actually trying to make a comment on me, that *I* was the one who performed a super hero feat of making him nauseated at me. And this is why he's backed off and been largely negative since.

I have a draft of an email I'd like to send him, but I'm wondering what use it will do. I've already creeped him out, and he's no longer interested. But I feel the need to send it to him anyway. I need to tell him what I said above, admit to him my trust issues, and now I see i was an ass.

I need to also let him know that before I met him, I didn't have a clue as to what romance is. Because of this experience, I've just discovered where the romance is in me. And now my only desire is to romance him and show him how awesome I think he is.

He really is that special to me. After just 11 dates.

I could use some help sorting this out!

Thanks for any advice you can give. And thanks again for reaching out to me.

#413095 - 10/14/12 03:48 PM Re: Fuck it. I need help. [Re: Magellan]
MarkK Offline

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2652
Loc: Denver, CO
I am not expert on relationships - certainly not on intimacy. I will say that my best friend and I have been that close for almost 40 years because we don't let the communication stop completely. Oh - it goes dead for days - but one or the other will send a note, or an e-card - anything to say "I'm still here".

One time I got a note that only said "I miss you. I hope you are well". We hadn't talked for only three days. Well, I waited three more before I answered. "I miss you too."

I don't know what to say except if/when you send him text or email or what - keep it light if you can. Yes, you care, but you understand he's working through stuff too, right? Again, I can only say in my experience - sometimes the less said - the better.

"I need to also let him know that before I met him, I didn't have a clue as to what romance is. Because of this experience, I've just discovered where the romance is in me." I like that - might be good to send. But personally I wouldn't say your "only desire is ..." but more how much you hope you can show him.....

Take all that - sift through it - if there's a good word in it - keep it - otherwise throw it out. I'm only talking from what I know - which is little. But I did want to answer you.

Number of WoR's attended: 3
Last attended: 2011

#413096 - 10/14/12 04:02 PM Re: Fuck it. I need help. [Re: Magellan]
Treehugger75 Offline

Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 159
Loc: Ontario Canada
Take a shot I say... send the email... seems like you two have a real connection... you have experience talking through thing you stated.. then talk through them with him if you are able too.
I will never ALWAYS be right, I wasn't wrong, I am whats left.

#413160 - 10/15/12 09:20 AM Re: Fuck it. I need help. [Re: Magellan]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Not ignoring your plea for help. I have only had sex-only relationships and one marriage based in love that failed. So I'm the last one who should answer yer questions.

Edited by Still (10/15/12 10:45 AM)

#413197 - 10/15/12 03:58 PM Re: Fuck it. I need help. [Re: Magellan]
Casmir213 Offline

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 851
Loc: Northeast, USA
Hi Magellan,

It might be that he felt rejected when you asked the questions and statements when he was trying to be more intimate with you. I'm not sure though. It could be that this is just a knee jerk reaction on your part though, that you do this without thinking how it would come across. It sounds like your asking questions could function to keep others at a distance in certain situations, rather than just being present with your feelings. It sounds like something you could work on. I'm hoping that you have more chances to work through this with him.

Best wishes,

I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

#413218 - 10/15/12 07:55 PM Re: Fuck it. I need help. [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1593
Loc: California
Thanks for all your feedback and support guys. I'm not surprised to get the variety of responses.

Caz, I think you're very close. I came to the same conclusion last night, and still felt the same way this morning. I was not aware that my actions were having the effect they were having, nor was I fully aware of how much I like this guy. I was so afraid.

I just ordered 3 dozen long stem roses to be delivered to his place tomorrow with a note "I'm sorry." It seems the best that I can do to "own it", and to provide him an opportunity to follow up if he desires. If he doesn't, then I've lost one of the greatest opportunities of my life.

My heart aches. frown

#413231 - 10/15/12 11:14 PM Re: Fuck it. I need help. [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1593
Loc: California
Well that does it. He called me tonight and dumped me.

Very friendly and sweet about it. But I was duped and feel totally retarded right now. What I thought I saw as real affection was just his "cavalier attitude" he told me on the phone. He didn't really have strong feelings for me at all. He did have some, but we weren't connecting on the physical level.

I totally misread everything. I grew up believing I'm autistic FOR THIS VERY FUCKING SHIT!! I've had this experience before! I thought it was real this time.


What is the point of trying to recover if underneath all of that I'm just a retard and will NEVER connect with another human being? I don't have any authentic and real friends now. And please spare me the "I'm your internet friend!" (that I've never met). You KNOW what I mean.

I'm so fucking completely emotionally blind.

Edited by Magellan (10/16/12 08:41 AM)

#413232 - 10/15/12 11:18 PM Re: Fuck it. I need help. [Re: Magellan]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4101
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio

my heart breaks for you.

"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

#413246 - 10/16/12 04:52 AM Re: Fuck it. I need help. [Re: Magellan]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
D...I'm so sorry. Dammit. Not gonna hand out the patronizing bullshit. You're hurt. I'm here for you. Lean...hard.

#413248 - 10/16/12 05:19 AM Re: Fuck it. I need help. [Re: Magellan]
peroperic2009 Offline


Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3818
Loc: South-East Europe
Hang on (((((D)))))
you are not alone!

My story

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