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#412879 - 10/12/12 11:22 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
G1psy Offline

Registered: 04/19/10
Posts: 13
Loc: Netherlands
Hi Martin,

1; How did your partner tell you of his CSA?

He didn't, I put things together after a severe sexaddiction came to surface after being together for 13 years.

My husband was having an affair and was about to leave me and our family for the "other woman". I sort of pushed him to make a discision: her or me, (us).
He wanted to explore his feelings for her while in a relationship with me. I didn't permit that. I forced him to choose because of my own boundaries.

He choose me, us. I was so shocked of his lying and sercrecy, that i wondered and asked him if more was going on behind my back.
He confessed hooking up with men in public places, cinnema's, parking lots, public restrooms etc. Porn addiction, telephonesex, webcamsex, hookers and so on. He also disclosed other childhood events that just didn't make sense to me.
Like, he went to see his family doctor because the thought he had and STD when he was very young, (13) and presumably never had sexual intercourse. And more strange stuff like that.

2; Did you suspect there was something wrong?
He was a man that i held so very high untill that point, trusted, a very gentle, friendly and modest man. Yet, looking back there where always some unexplainable feelings i had myself.
Prior to his disclosure i woke up in the morning from having a nightmare, and i screamed: "something very bad is going to happen!".
I never caught him looking at other woman, yet he had sexual fantasies about every woman he encountered, at work, neighbours, familymembers even...
I sometimes think you do pick up stuff from others, in this case my husband, allthough sometimes unconsiously.

I was shocked and was in shock for a year to come. I remember feeling like i was in a movie most of the time.
I worked as a mental health counselor myself for 13 years, even arranged meetings for man who where abused...
And i didn't know..

I new right away that something just didn't add up here. Did some research on sex addiction and read Jonathan Marsh's paper
"He Danced Alone", a few days after my husbands disclosure, and I "new" then.
Since than, "fragments" as i call them, come out. Fragments of severe abuse throughout his childhood with incidents at the boyscouts, incidents at home, (family) and so on.
My husband still flips between: it happend, and it didn't happen, one moment the "door is open", next moment its closed and unatainable.

3; Did he immediately start a program of recovery?

He went to the SLA right away, wich led to more guilt and shame, because the reason of the sexaddiction remains sort of unadressed. Talking endlessly about the acting out, was not helping at all.
After that he had two more counselors that just didn't help. Who focussed to much on the Sex addiction, lying, not taking responsebility etc.

My husband is now diagnosed with complex PTSD, and working with a very good therapist. he has to record the sessions where they are discussing the CSA incidents and then has to listen to them every day. Its called exposure therapy. The focus is to listen to the story of his own abuse without disociating, thus staying present.

#413016 - 10/13/12 08:29 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa

Thank you so much for opening up, I really appreciate it and I know that it is tough for some of you to face the reality of what has happened

These are questions that I had a long time ago, I noticed that most men took a while to disclose and then from then on it took even longer before they began therapy and understood that the abuse has played a huge role in their current dysfunction.
Thanks for taking the time.

Heal well all
PS don't stop answering
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#413054 - 10/14/12 07:34 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
CdnDW Offline

Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
1. When we were dating, but already falling in love, he told me about a single incident with a man at his mom's church rubbing his aroused self on my H through clothing. Some time later, but before we were married, he told me about a 50 yo creep who ran the local arena skate sharpening shop. Told me this guy had him and other boys around the neighbourhood come over to his place all the time to look at porn. 5 years into our marriage he told me his older brother sexually and physically abused him from a very early age (he doesn't quite know) but from kindergarten or grade 1 until about 12 yo. 9 years into our marriage he told me that his older brother also abused his younger brother and that he had not only witnessed, but been involved. Recently, I found out the skate arena creep, which I previously did not know ever physically touched him, did in fact corner him one night after the other boys had left and had masterbated him to completion. Recently, I also found out that his brother used to get him high and this creep used to get him drunk.

2. While I always knew about abuse, the degree of it (and its impact on him) first began to become clear when he told me of his brother. This was shortly after our second child was born. It was a very difficult birth and both myself and our daughter almost did not make it. He was an unemotional zombie after and seemed like he was permanently distracted afterward. The day after this happened, he slept in at home and after my third, frantic call to him to come to the hospital because I was so exhausted and in pain from the birth experience that I desperately needed his help at the hospital. I was hurt, angry and resentful for so long after this because he appeared to completely not care. He said sorry a bunch or times, but it was robotic and insincere and I just wasn't getting anything from him emotionally.

Months later when I was recovered he was disinterested in any intimacy with me and sleeping on a couch in our bedroom so as not to "bother" me and our daughter (I was breast feeding her at the time so kept her in bed most night after the first feeding). He was binge drinking on and off and was not working hard at work. He was in sales, so it was easy for him to just slip home in the middle of the day without his employer knowing. I knew something was very wrong, but couldn't put my finger on it. I know when someone is lieing, especially my H and he was about small silly things and was hiding things from me like the fact that he was smoking cigarettes again. I started to fear an affair because of the hiding and lack of intimacy, but it didn't feel right. I finally began to think he just didn't love me anymore and didn't have the balls to do anything about it because we had a young family. I finally confronted him and begged him to leave if he wasn't happy. This is when he broke down and told me he loved me more than he could ever say, that he didn't deserve me and told me about the years of abuse from his brother.

3. He did not start recovery until last month... 11 years into our marriage. At the time of disclosure about his older brother, he agreed to go to marriage counseling and had a one on one with the psychologist where he disclosed his abuse, but I have no idea to what degree and the doc accepted his statement that he was "over it". This went on for less than a year. We spent another year with a different marriage counselor. This ended this past summer. Neither previous psychologist had any positive impact. My H has body image issues and fluctuates between extreme forms of rapid weight loss to then rapidly putting the weight back on again. He fights impulses to spontaneously buy things or spend money to fill the void, fights a porn addition and has quit drinking after his final binge ocurred this summer in the presence of our kids. He has previously managed to keep them shielded from this. When he binges, it is like he is trying to kill himself. He drinks until comotose and ends in a barely coherent rant about how sick he is of this, how he can't stand it and can't go on like this anymore, and finds himself disgusting. Despite all of this, he actually has a very strong survival instinct and deep desire to be a healthy father and husband and be successful in his career. He has finally admitted he needs help to do this and has begun seeing a therapist with over 20 years experience with CSA and who ran a men's CSA group for many years in connection with a local hospital. After only 5 weeks, he is doing so much better than he was. He is warm, open and is communicating!! He still has much work to do and still constantly fights a desire to view porn on a daily basis. Thankfully, the alcohol was easy for him to give up... I don't think he ever craved it, just used it to obliterate the pain on occasion when he did drink. Either way, after this summer's incident, I made it clear that our kids would never see him like that again, even if I had to cut him out of our lives. He loves his children more than anything else in this world, and the desire to do better for them is a very strong motivator for him to get healthy now. I am sure the bumps in our road are not over, but things have been so positive lately and I will take it as it comes.

Heal well to you too Whome!
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

#413127 - 10/15/12 02:51 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
SoniaDx Offline

Registered: 02/18/11
Posts: 23
1; How did your partner tell you of his CSA?

Within the first few months of our relationship we were talking about our sexual history and he mentioned his first time was when he was 14 with an older woman. I asked questions which he avoided answering but he did let slip that it was more than an isolated incident and she was in her 30s. I made a comment that if he were a girl and the partner was a guy this would be inappropriate. (little did I know i'd be eating those words.) He assured me it was fine and that was that until four/five years later.

DH finally disclosed that the experience was unwanted and harmful during an argument when I demanded to know what was wrong with him and asked him why he was avoiding sex with me. I felt bad that I pushed him into the disclosure but suddenly everything made sense.

2; Did you suspect there was something wrong?

From the beginning I thought something was off about DH but I couldn't put my finger on what it was. I made am observation to DH that he reminded me of someone who had suffered trauma as a kid, which he denied. DH began having issues two years in and we started counseling because I did not want to marry him given our current issues. Other issues with his mom came out during the course of counseling and we were actually getting better. Before our wedding things took a nose dive.

After the wedding within the first 3 months of being newlyweds DH snapped. He became unrecognizable and our therapist and I were at a loss that he had suddenly back peddled so much after over a year of progress. I knew something was seriously wrong but it took 3 months before he finally was able to disclose.

3; Did he immediately start a program of recovery?

I was fortunate that we were already in therapy and our therapist was able to convince my husband to see a counselor who was able to fully deal with his CSA. He resisted for another month but after telling DH that he owed it to his inner child to get help he finally agreed. He remained in individual therapy for about 9 months. I think he got all he was going to get out of therapy at this point in his life, he may choose to go back eventually if a new life event triggers him. He has learned coping mechanisms and I have learned now to help him and not take things personally. And now I can say he probably only gets triggered once every five or so months.

#413205 - 10/15/12 08:55 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
Hailwic Offline

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 19
1) He dropped the bomb in marriage counseling

2) No, he I never even suspected that anything like that was the problem. I thought his avoidance meant he didn't want to be with me anymore

3) NO

#414145 - 10/24/12 12:34 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
confusion4life Offline

Registered: 02/12/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Italy
he never had any memories and never told me. then he abused my daughter and i made his life hell. then he got memories, as he was frequently pestered with the abuse topic, and those he told me immediately. i didnt believe him a thing he said, thought he makes it up as a stupid defence strategy, but it came out as true.
everything is always okay in the end, if it's not, then it's not the end

#422030 - 01/14/13 05:18 AM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
mkn10 Offline

Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 27
1. How did your partner tell you of his CSA?
2 years after we first got together, while he was drunk/high/both, he was barely coherent, but said some things: "my problems are way too much for you to handle", "I was raped by my brother and his mates", "Are you happy now that you know?"
He then never spoke about it again, unless he was in a drunk coma-like state again, where he would say he "needs to end it", not sure exactly what he meant by that. I still do not know any of the details, if it occurred once or over a period of time etc. All I know is that I am the only person he has told.

2. Did you suspect there was something wrong?
I knew there was something up because he was drinking/partying A LOT leading up to the disclosure, never spent any time with me, would go AWOL all the time, found out later he was doing hardcore drugs for many months. I never knew it was CSA specifically though, just something seriously not right with his emotional state.

3. Did he immediately start a program of recovery?
Nope. Now, exactly one year later, he has not taken the step to start therapy/ready any books/join this site/deal specifically with CSA. He did go to a seminar for depression in general though, in Dec 2012. Yesterday, I made the decision to leave after 2 years of hell, I truly hope he now gets the help he need.

#437438 - 06/08/13 08:50 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi there

I see that there are a lot of new people on MS these days I and I am keen to bring back this topic so I can get a little more insight.

Id appreciate your hlp on this.

Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#439451 - 06/28/13 05:47 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
lostpartner32 Offline

Registered: 06/19/12
Posts: 17
Loc: southeast
1. He was living with his mother because I kicked him out when I found out he was emailing men from a dating site. He said he wanted to talk so we met up and he told me. We had been married 5 years when he disclosed.

2. I always knew something was not right. One drunken night right after we were married I caught him fondling another man, various times caught him watching gay porn and many, many sexual issues. I never suspected abuse. I though maybe it was lack of experience and maybe curiosity. I am his first and only lover.

3. He started seeing a therapist but it was not the right one for him. He had a couple of relapses into the talking to other men. After the last one I told him it was either get help or I am gone, he found a good therapist and started EMDR therapy for his abuse. Went for about 6 months and stopped. He recently found another therapist due to all his sexual issues that he swears do not stem from the abuse.

#439697 - 07/01/13 10:43 PM Re: How did your husband disclose to you?? [Re: whome]
king tut Offline

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2488
Loc: UK
My girlfriend guessed somehow...I don't know how that happened.

When I have another girlfriend/wife i'm not going to tell (i don't think it would be relevant in some ways). I have "forgiven" my abusers- i think it would be difficult for my future girlfriend/wife to do the same. I don't want to open that book. It will probably be obvious that i have been abused because i still do work in this field in other respects, but i wont give her details. Maybe when we grow old and i am like 60 years old or something lol.

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