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#412519 - 10/09/12 01:28 AM My Perp died today
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1070
... or at least the man who I *suspect* was my perp when I was 5 to 7 and he was in his mid-50s. He died today in his 80s.

And then the Sandusky audio tape on top of it.

Triggered? Oh yes.

I was texting with a family friend who knows my situation. She's one of the good normals, but even she doesn't get it, texted me several times that I needed to "move on" and "put it behind you" and "it's over."

Even she doesn't get it. There's no moving on. There's no getting over it. There's no "it's over."

I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.

#412521 - 10/09/12 01:52 AM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
Blue1966 Offline

Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 83
Loc: USA
I hear you, never over healing is a lifelong process. One of my perps died recently, but that doesn't undo what he did, just guarantees he will never to it to anyone else.

I have yet to find a 'normal' that totally gets it, some try but, I think it's beyond them. Some things you just can't explain, there aren't words to explain it to someone that hasn't been there.

As much as T's will tell you it isn't good for two survivors to be a couple, I'm glad my partner is a survivor, we both get it and, that alone helps us both a lot.

#412522 - 10/09/12 02:03 AM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4286
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
Oh, ((((((((((((Cant)))))))))))) -

it's so difficult - every time one of those markers comes up.
people expect it to give you "closure" or "resolution" - because he's gone - but for you the s**t he left you with goes on...

i remember when the step-father died, it was such a shock to me. it meant that there never would be a confrontation or accounting. not that i know i'd have confronted him - but at least there was always the possibility - the hope that one day he'd ask forgiveness or at least acknowledge that he'd been hard on me... and then it was too late - impossible - never gonna happen. the loss of that last desperate shred of hope was one of the hardest things i faced - maybe just as bad as the initial abuse. i imagine you are feeling a perfect storm of mixed emotions and conflict right now.

i hope you can take time to fully grieve and process and let out the anger and whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. and now is a good time to lean heavily on anyone who can offer support. we are here for you. PM me if you want to.

How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#412524 - 10/09/12 02:33 AM Re: My Perp died today [Re: traveler]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA

My perp* died last December of congestive heart failure. Actually he had lost his heart long before. I discovered his death by searching with Google in March. I felt a tremendous sense of relief. It was as though there was a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. It was an invisible weight I carried sense the abuse and his threats.

What is a "good normal"?


* perp when I was at scout camp. Tortured and csa abused me eek

Edited by pufferfish (10/09/12 04:10 AM)

#412527 - 10/09/12 02:41 AM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1070
The only people I can talk to about this are you guys here. No one in my life gets it, even the good normals.

I have no partner. No wife. No one to lean on other than myself and you guys at MS.

I have a T appointment on Thursday. That will be good. I'm starting my 2nd week of Buspar tomorrow. Maybe that will start helping.

Puffer: a "good normal" is a normal person that at least isn't in complete denial of what goes on and its effect on us. It's a pretty low bar, but she is a good one.

Edited by cant_remember (10/09/12 02:44 AM)
Edit Reason: added note to Puffer
I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.

#412530 - 10/09/12 02:47 AM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
InsideTheWall Offline

Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 297
Congratulations! May his death have been slow and horrible.

#412534 - 10/09/12 03:30 AM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
ShortedDiode Offline

Registered: 11/26/11
Posts: 121
Loc: Hamilton, ON Canada
I understand where you're coming from. One of my perps died in 2005. I still have mixed feelings on that - nothing's ever simple or clear cut with this, is it?... There's some measure of safety in that there's no more worrying about whether or not I'll run into him, but as Traveler pointed out, that slim chance of hoping for accountability someday vanished forever.

The whole Sandusky fiasco has been rough on probably pretty much everybody here and it's really unfortunate that the timing of it's making bad events like your perp dieing even more difficult to handle...especially since so few people truly understand it...hang in there...
If it's a choice between laughing or crying, I'd rather laugh.

#412546 - 10/09/12 05:49 AM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
crazy gecko Offline

Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I totally get what you're talking about.

My perp died almost a year ago. At first I felt nothing. Then relief that he's not out there any more, possibly abusing other children, so I don't have to feel guilty for not even trying to have him convicted any more. But lately, I've been wishing I could stand in front of him and tell him what he did to me and how much I hate him. And I'm also kinda sad, because he was my father, and now I know I'll never be able to have a "dad", even though in my more rational moments I know that he'd never have been "dad" to me anyway.

Its weird. Its screwed up. I tried to explain to my girlfriend the other day, and she didn't even come close to understanding... frown
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

#412547 - 10/09/12 05:52 AM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
Undefeated Offline

Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
I don't know what the appropriate thing to say here would be, but I hope you find a sense of finality and peace in this.

"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

#412549 - 10/09/12 06:14 AM . [Re: cant_remember]
Life's A Dream Offline

Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island

Edited by Life's A Dream (01/13/13 02:35 AM)

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