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#412552 - 10/09/12 02:30 AM Re: My Perp died today [Re: crazy gecko]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3966
Loc: settling in the USA again
Originally Posted By: crazy gecko
At first I felt nothing. Then relief that he's not out there any more, ... But lately, I've been wishing I could stand in front of him and tell him what he did to me and how much I hate him. And I'm also kinda sad, because he was my father, and now I know I'll never be able to have a "dad", even though in my more rational moments I know that he'd never have been "dad" to me anyway.

Gecko - this is me, exactly - except it was a step-dad, not a real father. if it helps any - i totally understand what it feels like!

BTW - i love geckos ever since living in the tropics. i even have a little silver one on a neck chain.

"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

#412563 - 10/09/12 08:36 AM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1058
Lifes-a-Dream, Traveler, Gecko, Puffer, etc --

Thanks, guys. I don't know how I feel today. I just know I can't watch TV today because it's going to be wall-to-wall Sandusky. And here in my small town, it's going to be funeral home visitation day for my perp.

Which one of you said that this could end up being an important subconscious milestone? That makes sense. I hope that's true.

But he grew old, this knight so bold / And upon his heart a shadow / Fell as he found / No spot on the ground / That looked like El Dorado.

#412565 - 10/09/12 09:10 AM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
peroperic2009 Offline


Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3792
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Cant, it must be difficult for you frown
I hope you are not feeling alone in all this. I wish to have some magic wand that could erase all bad that happened to us, unfortunately that is not possible.
Time marches on as Lee said in other thread and we are inevitably moving from our past, I hope.
Hang on brother


My story

#412567 - 10/09/12 09:19 AM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3133
mine is still alive--found him several months ago--i have sat in front of his house and in the parking lot where he still serves. it was a conflicting time of mixed emotions. i could not enter the church where he works--fear gripped me. I still do not know if I should confront when part of me is still fighting the feelings that i was special to him. if he was dead, there would be no option, only look forward i guess. it is very disturbing--what will end the torment--confronting him (or would this make it worse seeing his face and probably not hearing an apology), or leaving it the way it is.

#412573 - 10/09/12 09:46 AM . [Re: cant_remember]
Life's A Dream Offline

Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island

Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 09:34 PM)

#412574 - 10/09/12 09:57 AM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1058

Thank you. I don't know how I feel right now.

I have so much to do today and this week that there's no time for a breakdown. I won't have one. I won't. Not this time.

I don't feel alone when I have my brothers at MS to talk to. My new T is OK but I don't think he gets it either.

Without MS, I would be completely lost. It's the only place where I fit in. You guys mean so much to me.

But he grew old, this knight so bold / And upon his heart a shadow / Fell as he found / No spot on the ground / That looked like El Dorado.

#412580 - 10/09/12 10:50 AM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2610
Loc: Central PA
For many of us, this truly is the only place we can go where we'll be understood.

Even with the people in my life who I have told, when the really bad days hit, this is where I come, because no one else gets it.

Take care of you. I'm triggered over the sentencing etc as well and I'm struggling between work and following the news..... need to stop following the news....!

Hang in there.

#412583 - 10/09/12 11:01 AM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
Country Offline

Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 654
Loc: Alabama
I am going to write my perps , one my uncle and one my babysitters son, and tell them just what damage they caused and let them know thy I forgive them but will never forget. I am going to go into great detail. I should do this before they pass tho. I want them to know that I know. The old me would just go pound their heads into the ground with a ball bat or the heal of my boot. They are lucky I am saved.
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

#412593 - 10/09/12 12:13 PM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
1islandboy Offline

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 878
Loc: washington
My "T" informed me that, "You" have the power now. After all these years...

When he contacted me, I had nothing to say. I let him die in his shame.

I "get" that you might have mixed emotions over this. I "get" that it is not all black and white.

In the end, I hope you find peace and comfort in his passing...

In The End (Linkin Park)

Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

#412600 - 10/09/12 12:56 PM Re: My Perp died today [Re: cant_remember]
WriterKeith Offline

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 980
Loc: California
Yea, I hear ya, CR. As frustrating as it is to hear the words, most people deliver insulting platitudes when they're trying to encourage and comfort us. They don't know any better.

I suppose it underscores the importance of us (survivors) educating the public on the matter.

The perp that assaulted me and my sister (our father) turns 90 in 3 months. Reading your post I am certainly staring at what the future holds for me, and many other survivors, as well.
I have taken to the stand-up comedy stage to educate other male survivors and those who try to love them. I blog about my isolated religious upbringing where physical and sexual abuse were commonplace and I serve as a facilitator of a weekly support group for men who have suffered sexual assault.

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