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#412449 - 10/08/12 03:40 AM Caught in the storm
RunningOnEmpty Offline

Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 91
Loc: georgia

Edited by RunningOnEmpty (01/02/13 12:22 AM)

#412451 - 10/08/12 04:48 AM Re: Caught in the storm [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5972
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
RunningOnEmpty, words my loving supporter could echo certainly, my heart reaches out to you.

Please do not be hard on yourself because you have training in one area of psychology but found it difficult to understand the issues with your survivor. I have read many accounts of those who have training in fields surrounding male csa/asa as well as in counseling sexual disorders and they found it difficult as well to identify specifically this issue with their patients as well.

Please keep those strong boundaries. Go about your day but do not ignore him, when he is trying to connect with you, connect with him and a bit more. Remember also that sometimes a survivor needs to hear that his actions or words hurt you. If he feels you are an emotional tower, he can assault it viciously. Expressing how you feel hurt or sad can help him to begin to feel empathy. That empathy can then be turned inward, helping him to find the parts of him that he has dissociated from in trying to avoid the abuse. Empathy, such a powerful emotion, helps survivors to want to begin and maintain recovery. An amazing lesson I got from my supporter was her clear view of balance in her, work, worship, relationships, me and family.

My best to you, the answers are not simple, "surviving" as a supporter is a great undertaking. Please know that supporters are viewed in much regard here, you are appreciated.

MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#412454 - 10/08/12 05:05 AM Re: Caught in the storm [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
RunningOnEmpty Offline

Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 91
Loc: georgia

Edited by RunningOnEmpty (01/02/13 12:22 AM)

#412481 - 10/08/12 03:46 PM Re: Caught in the storm [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
Blue1966 Offline

Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 83
Loc: USA
Hang in there, wait for the good days. That's what I have to do with D. I too am a survivor but, the stuff he endured makes my past look like a daisy patch. (And yes mine was on every front save spiritual, D's included that.)

I can handle a lot but sometimes he brings me to tears, and amazement that he even lived through it, much less is able to function and trust me at all. (And he does, with more than he ever trusted Ts with.)

I look at that and remind myself what a treasure he and the bond we share really is and, that helps me get through the bad times with him.

#413126 - 10/15/12 02:49 AM Re: Caught in the storm [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
karin4him Offline

Registered: 03/18/12
Posts: 23
Loc: Illinois
RunningOnEmpty, I, too, am having issues with my H. He has been working his steps in AA and doing well there, but......

This time its really me and I have a trust issue. He has not shared any of the details and I have this overwhelming desire to know. Desire is probably not the right word, more like obsession. He comes on here all of the time, but never posts anything, he mostly reads other people's posts, profiles and goes to the chat room.

It drives me crazy that he can share this with people on here but not with me. In addition, he has had sexual identity issues so I always wonder if this is healing or something else. I trust him in my heart of hearts, but my mind works overtime and in all the wrong directions.

There are times I'm glad that he doesn't give me details because I'm afraid of what I would do to those that hurt him. There is a part of me that wants to lash out at his mother (his father is deceased), she knew his older brother did some of it, but then there were others in scouts that hurt him too. She was too busy earning her degree, building her career and just being her usual selfish self to get help for her son.

I'm just very mixed up. I'm doing Al Anon and that seems to be helping, except when we are at home and he's on the computer.

#413129 - 10/15/12 03:16 AM Re: Caught in the storm [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
RunningOnEmpty Offline

Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 91
Loc: georgia

Edited by RunningOnEmpty (01/02/13 12:35 AM)

#413334 - 10/16/12 11:52 PM Re: Caught in the storm [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
Country Offline

Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 654
Loc: Alabama
You said you cried out to God. You are on the right track there. He has helped me way more than any T. He took alcohol away right then. The urge to watch porn away right then. He took my cursing away right then. He has helped with most of my rage and anger but I gotta lot to finish with that. I hope my EMDR will help that. I wish you the best and put Him first and your H next and everything will work out for His will. His will is for marriage to work..May not in a time frame you want but stay the course. Sorry to get on the faith wagon here but I was glad you said what you said.
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

#413355 - 10/17/12 01:25 AM Re: Caught in the storm [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
RunningOnEmpty Offline

Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 91
Loc: georgia

Edited by RunningOnEmpty (01/02/13 12:23 AM)

#414352 - 10/26/12 02:48 PM Re: Caught in the storm [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
Mel78 Offline

Registered: 10/26/12
Posts: 16
Loc: North Carolina
I am so glad I picked this thread to read first. I swear I feel like I am going crazy. K, is my BF. and his abuse seems to take over our lives. We both have faith, but K is angry with God at the moment and I feel like I am screaming and begging for help.

He shares sometimes and it takes everything in me to not pick up the phone and tear his mother a new one for allowing these things to go on. Other times he doesn't share I think partially because he feels like he is protecting me from those feelings.

We aren't married but we always planned to someday, but what if he doesn't love me after all. what if he is unhappy when he wakes up next to me. what if his abuse eats him alive and he doesn't want me anymore.

My heart hurts, but I know the man I fell in love with is in there but what if he just doesn't want me...
Everything rides on hope now, everything rides on faith some how, when the world has broken me down YOUR love sets me free....
-Addison Road

#414454 - 10/27/12 01:46 PM Re: Caught in the storm [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
blacken Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1984
Loc: Northern Ohio
1)UR a therapist, but you are far to close to the problem to be able to deal with it, in the way you would a client.
2) CSA takes a specialized therapist.
3) If a client came to u with those traits, what would u recommend? Inpatient. You know his behaviors are not one of a stable mind. Plus, being unemployed gives the mind a less structured day that leads to a lot of unhealthy thinking.
4) U need ur OWN therapist. U can not handle this on ur own. U are fooling urself. I am a CSA survivor & Lisenced Social Worker. I Know, I can Not counsel myself.
5) You are not responsible for how he feels. But he may be upset with u unknowingly, because "U are a therapist & should have all the answers".
As for the God issue. I was raised to pray to God for guidance thru tough times, amoung other things. I prayed & begged for God for help through my childhood hell. As a child, I felt God did not care about me & the church was a lier, because horrible things kept right on happening. I am not a child & have had years to work out my relationship with God. But if you were to try to tell me different, during the early part of my recovery, you would have really been looking for one heck of a bad fight.

We need to pick our battles carefully. Decide what front we need to hold, which to push forward on. We can Not win the war all at once. Ur H IS fighting a war. A war within his mind, yet the damage is all around your family. Everyone is affected.

You said u read something H wrote. Did you read it like a therapist would? Or as his wife? And, did u read it to urself, or out loud? Why do u think H wanted you to read it?
It makes a big difference, becuase as a survivor, I sometimes have wanted some one, close to me to actually feel the emotion generated from reading something I wrote, Out Loud, & with all that emotion generated, Expressed!
Maybe get a babysitter, take what H wrote, drive somewhere, and read it again...

Lastly, I wish to thank you for ur amazing courage, fotitude and committment to H & ur whole family.
Sincerely, blacken/Paul

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