This might be a bit long but I feel I need to tell more people that might understand what happened and the ultimate effect I think it had on my life.
I am 56 and until 5 months ago I never told anyone what happened to me when I was young.
My brother and I were raised by our grandparents in small town Canada. Our grandparents were good people doing the best they could but now I have some serious doubts about some of the things that even they did or failed to do back them.
I was born with a congenital heart defect that was repaired through surgery in about 1962. It was actually very serious at the time and pretty risky surgery and I guess I was in danger of a very young death had it not been done. At the time is was new though these days they now do the same surgery on newborns. Either way I was very sick and very small for my age and to top it off through complications I had open heart surgery two more times over 4 years before the problem was finally dealt with permanently. I spent a lot of time between the ages of 6 and 10 bedridden with little energy to do anything. I guess I needed a full time babysitter a lot of that time and somewhere around the time of the first surgery a neighbor started to molest me. My memory is a little blurry as to just how many times he did different things to me usually including getting me naked in bed and rubbing his penis against my bottom and other things. To be honest I don't really recall it being really unpleasant or even asking him to stop what he was doing. I actually still feel that somehow I might have started it all by seeking attention from him. Didn't understand what it was really about at all it was just something strange and different that was a secrete that I would get in trouble for if the other adults found out about.
I guess that must have been something he told me though I can't even say that for sure.
The abuse continued until I was about 12 or 13.
at the time and for many years after that I really didn't think it had effected me that much but looking back now I know it did.
I was only in grade 5 when a young girl in my class befriended me starting things off by sending me a valentine. She was very shy and so was I. We spend a tremendous amount of time together and though it may seem unimportant and just childish the way we acted it became much more over the five years we saw each other. We spend hours sitting in a place where we had complete privacy just holding each other and talking and making silly plans for the future. Nothing sexual at all not even any type of serious kissing etc though we talked about the whole bit of getting married and having kids. Seems kind of silly looking back but we were 15 when we were forced to stop seeing each other and though 15 is young I know what I felt about her at the time.
However to some extent I credit her with stopping the abuse as one day that guy approached me yet again and he actually new about me seeing her (half the town must have known) and thought it might be a good idea for him to met her too and we as he put it could all play together. The memory is a bit burred now but I remember getting really mad and screaming at him that if he ever came near her I would make sure everybody knew what he had been doing for years. I don't think I had ever felt that angry before and hardly ever that angry since. I lived on a small farm he truly was lucky he didn't get a pitchfork in the face. I had access to a rifle back then too even as young as I was I wonder why I didn't shoot him. I would never conceder that now but back them had I had it in my hands I might have. I had by then started to realize just what he had been doing to me.
I never ever heard or saw him again after that.
The girl I will call her Sally (not her real name) and I continued to see each other constantly and through Jr. High became what they used to call a number i guess. through that time period I begun to have sexual feeling towards her like any normal young guy would and I think she did to for me though not that much. (reason for that too will become clear later)
I started too realize too just what had been going on with me for all those years and to say the least I was very confused about it all and also a little mixed up as to why it happened and why I let it go on all those years. By the time I was 15 I had normal urges and well just wanted to do more with her and I don't think there was anything to unusual about our behavior and I doubt she was the only 15 year old girl trying to fend of the advances of a horny teenage boyfriend.
She remains a important part of this story even now which I will explain later.
For some reason that to this day I don't understand at all I literarily woke up one morning and decided that I wanted to steal her panties. It was common back then to see them hanging on the clothes line outside and really not that hard to get away with. I didn't get away with it though.
I was seen by her mother and police were called etc, you can imagine the rest I guess and it was the most embarrassing and probably the biggest turning point in my life I think today.
She was of course forbidden to ever see me again and after that day we never really ever talked again. I moved away after that and things just went from bad to worse over the next 20 years. I developed an extreme interest in sex and porn though I was literally terrified of women and I don't think I had what you would call a date or a girl friend until I was 23. I engaged in a lot of self destructive behavior drinking to excess almost every chance I got, 2 impaired driving charges ( no accidents thank god) A little experimenting with drugs though drugs were never my thing.
I spend years feeling as if I was ugly and that no woman would ever want to spend time with me ever. I contemplated suicide many times over those years and pushed many friends and family away from me. To this day the family relationships haven't been repaired and though we live in the same city I haven't seen any of them for years.
My mother died a few years ago from terminal cancer and refused to let me see her before she died and at that time I hadn't more then talked to her on the phone a few times for 10 years or more. I know I can't blame everything on the abuse perhaps but I know too that most of the time over those years it was almost like I was some one else. I know every time I think back to that time I feel a deep sense of sadness like I lost something that just slipped through my fingers. I spent years always making the wrong decision about almost everything I did or doing the most irresponsible thing that I could and to hell with everything and everyone.
It wasn't all bad I suppose though I did meet a woman when I was 26 and we spent almost 30 years together she really was actually one of my bad decision too. She had her own set of problems including a very traumatic murder in her family when she was young. She engaged in a lot of behavior over and over time and time again that almost destroyed me doing things that hurt me to the core but I kept hanging onto her and patching things up I guess afraid of being alone. I could fill two more pages with events that happen that most of you would probably find almost unbelievable. Numerous times police were involved and lawyers and once search and rescue ( she made the cover of the local city newspaper once) City of over a million so it was no little thing.
Over the last year or two since we have split (my decision finally) I have had time to think and look back at my life and now I see that that abuse that went on for all those years did have a very big effect on me. Even now I think of myself as a person of little worth who has pretty much wasted whole life. I find it really hard to look back over the last forty years and see anything good or a time where I actually thought of myself as happy.
Forgive me for jumping around but as I mention earlier I was raised by my grandparents and I suspect they know what was happening and chose not to do anything about. it. Not only were the neighbors very good friends of theirs they spent a lot of time many evening visiting either at our house or theirs and his parent caught him with me once and knew what he was doing. I find it hard to believe that they would just continue to visit night after night and sit there wondering if I had told them about what happened, To top that off many years latter a strange incident with my grandfather made me wonder even more. I was at the time 30 years old and had just enrolled in college and had told him about how I had a talk with the dean of students and what a nice guy he was. My grandfather launched into a tirade about how I need to watch what I do more because strange men might take advantage of me. It seems so out of place and about 24 years to late but makes me suspect now that he know what had happed back them and maybe I was going to be stupid and let it happen again?
Now to the present.....remember Sally ?
I have thought about her many times over the years and decided a few months ago to see if I could find her on facebook. Took a bit because although I knew she was married I didn't know she was married and divorced twice since then. I did find her and sent her a request for friends. I decided it was time I told someone and I decided I wanted her to know what happed perhaps making it a little more understandable to her my weird decision at the time to steal her panties. I wrote her and told her everything about what had happed back then and she was very understanding and nice. Kind of a bombshell I guess to drop on someone that you haven't laid eyes on for 40 years but I kind of knew she would understand for some reason.
I should have guessed thinking back now by the way she acted too back them but I didn't she confided in me that she too was molested when she was young perhaps it was even ongoing when we first met though she didn't say to much. I don't think she has really dealt with it very well either but I do know who it was molested her too now. I also know him personally though he never tried anything with me that I remember.
Here is the thing too, She lived kitty corner from me and one house down, her molester lived two doors down from her, the guy that ,molested me lived two doors the other side of her across the street from me. I also remember now a incident where when I was 6 or 7 where I saw another little girl being molested by someone. He lived next door across the ally from the guy that molested me, So walk by 6 houses basically side by side and you have 3 different child molesters ? What the hell was going on in that town.
I don't wish to imply at all that all little boys that get molested turn into child molesters themselves but somehow some one or several someone's started a chain of events that probably went on for a long time and might still be going on now. I suspect that just in that corner of the town there are probably dozens of other victims both mail and female. Part of me would like to see these people go to jail but after so long it would dreg up bad memories for god knows how many people. I know Sally would not want it made public that she was molested as a child and even with the laws these days in a small town like that everyone would know anyway before very long.
Now I am not sure where to go from here, as far as I am concerned this is still just a big mess that is still being covered up. I wonder how many victims of victims of victims there are now in that town.
So there is my story without an ending yet.
As a after note not that anyone is probably interested talking to the old girlfriend is like no time as passed at all. She is still the same funny and kind person that she was 40 years ago though sadly not any happier about her life than I am. If that one incident had not happened 40 years ago there is no doubt that we might still be together and I am not the only one that thinks that. I know it's hard to say what would have happened really but I also know of many meple from that town that I went to school with that did in fact marry their jr/high school sweethearts that are still narried today.
So ya I think that deviant ruined my life or a big part of it anyway, I don't think I would have done what I did without all the weird things about sex going through my head at the time because of what he did to me for almost 7 years.