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#412254 - 10/05/12 12:13 PM Re: What are the best indicators [Re: Gretta]
Gretta Offline

Registered: 09/18/11
Posts: 240
Lucy you are so right I am ok with that. It's out of my control, I know that.

#412259 - 10/05/12 01:59 PM Re: What are the best indicators [Re: Gretta]
Robert1000 Offline

Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 453
I hear you, Gretta. I appreciate everything you've said, including the anger you expressed. It's all justified. There's nothing wrong with feeling those feelings. And the shit your husband did is sad. It's terribly sad. It's also mean. It was mean to you and your family. And... hell, talk about people with fucked up boundaries.... I mean, I'll never be one to judge sex workers. It's a fucking hard job, I'm sure. But one thing I've learned from my therapy is that boundaries protect us. Your husband... and the same is true for me... had those sacred boundaries trampled and destroyed at an age WAY TOO young. I don't know about him, but I was hurt and hurt bad. I was also tricked and confused with emotions. It left me angry, hurt and outraged but also I reacted in some really creative and cool ways to help myself and save myself. Some of my defenses turned out to be very destructive, while others turned out to be things I really like about myself, and things my WIFE really likes about me. It has taken me a long time to be able to accept those truths, and I should be very careful to explain that nothing about the rapes and sexual assaults I suffered as a child were good. There was no good in that. None. But. I did respond to those horrid events in some good ways, as well as in some destructive ways. And I get to take responsibility for the good and the bad. And I also get to make the choice to continue with the good and change the ones I don't like so much.


#412357 - 10/06/12 09:59 PM Re: What are the best indicators [Re: Gretta]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Someone wise once told me that I felt safest with my husband when I was most at risk. That crap SPUN ME for a loop. And it was so true. When he was acting like a good husband, hiding his truths, his past, his pain, his lies, I felt good, happy, I trusted him. How ironic no?

So now, I have no trust. I don't even trust myself to see the truth or to identify a lie. But I am living with a person who is MUCH MORE deserving of my trust than that other person. It is a process, a painful painful process.

#412476 - 10/08/12 02:20 PM Re: What are the best indicators [Re: Gretta]
Gretta Offline

Registered: 09/18/11
Posts: 240
Bob thank you for your candid and honest answers. My husband is not as good at expressing himself or maybe he is scared. I fully realize that there are many demons he is fighting. I am fighting a couple myself. So many moving pieces and all the while we have a family and business to keep running. Not alot of time to slow down.

Esposa you are right and I know that.

I am in awe of the little boy that endured and survived the abuse. There are many things I love about my husband and I hope that he learns to love himself. I don't want to always wonder is he being faithful to himself and us. I think I can deal with the past but the future?

#412659 - 10/10/12 02:40 AM Re: What are the best indicators [Re: Gretta]
GoodHope Offline

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 428
Bob said: "That's what therapy has given me. It has helped me lessen my fear for facing hard truths. If I can't be the man and partner I want and need to be for my wife, I'll partner with her as an ex in raising our children as best as we can separately, but I won't drag her through a fucked up and dysfunctional marriage."

This is the promise I want my husband to make and keep for me. That is what I need to know.
Wife of a survivor

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