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#412179 - 10/04/12 03:52 PM The Ancient Newbie
Shades of Gray Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/08/03
Posts: 2
Hello all,

As you can see by my join date I have been around these forums for almost ten years. I recieve the emails and have visited from time to time but only ever made one post back in 2003. I am married and have two children.

I was sexually abused as a teenager daily by a male music teacher. This went on daily throughout my high school years and only after I went to college did I finally escape that situation only to return the following summer where he tried again. It took a long time for me to extradite myself from that situation. During those years I was extremely religious and was at the church 3-4 times per week praying for this situation to end. I felt that God had forgotten me or didnt care about my life and my suffering.

Once I escaped I then went on and pursued a course of study in music as it was the only thing that I had ever really been permitted to do through those formative years. I did my Bachelors, Masters, and another 35 hours toward my PhD in music. Then I went out to teach school. While I was teaching my girlfriend at the time pointed out that I had been sexually abused. All through school I had blocked those memories and largely forgotten what he put me through as my only focus was my escape and getting away from him.

Once I started to realize what had happened in my life I could no longer face walking into a classroom. I knew that I was doing that job because of what HE had made me do. I literally questioned every decision I ever made and realized that nothing I did was of my own accord. I hated my life.

So, I walked away from music and entered the world of retail management. I did that for about a year and a half before another opportunity came to me. I had the chance to re-enter music with the military. I thought I would do this as a short term solution to financial problems I was having. I didnt make enough as a teacher to really be self-sustaining and I made even less in retail although I seriously trimmed my bills back.

This is where I am now and have been for a long time. I am still involved in music as its still the only really marketable skill I have and I have been in for so long that its not worth me getting out to start a different career. So, I feel trapped. I honestly have no idea what I am going to do come retirement day or even if I will be able to retire - I may just have to work until my last day on earth.

Over the years I have realized just how much my "experiences" have cost me. I cannot have normal relationships with friends and I dont have many true friends. I tend to be a loner type personality. I am married, but I dont think that I am as close to my wife as I should be. She is so afraid of setting off my triggers that I feel our sex life suffers and she is as sexually neutral as she can be. It doesnt seem to matter to her whether we have sex or not whereas my sex drive is always on - largely due to being exploited as I was at such a young age.

I have been to a number of therapist and such over the years and quickly learned that through my own research I had a better handle on what was going on with me and how to deal with it. One of my traits is that I do lots of research into a lot of different topics. This naturally included Male Sexual Abuse. So, very few, if any, therapists or counselors have been able to help me in any way at all.

When I have gone to religious counselors what I was told is that my sexual drive is just wrong. This doesn't typically sit well with me although for a while I tried to follow what they were teaching. Honestly, I often question God and how he could let something like this happen to anyone, much less me. I have yet to see a single justifiable reason in my life other than the fact I can spread my message and maybe, just maybe, prevent someone else suffering as I have.

So, thats my current story. Inevitably there are things I left out either intentionally or because I just forgot. I am open to questions about any of it.

Shades of Gray

#412185 - 10/04/12 05:41 PM Re: The Ancient Newbie [Re: Shades of Gray]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Dear Shades,

Welcome to MS. Your experiences and feelings are so familiar. You are not alone here. This is a community of men who understand and can relate to what you've been thru. You can speak without fear of judgement here. Keep digging deeper and posting when you feel comfortable. When you get to the bottom, no doubt it will hurt like hell, but you will get thru it, and we'll be here to back you up.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#412191 - 10/04/12 06:44 PM Re: The Ancient Newbie [Re: Shades of Gray]
Jwmcd2 Offline

Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 110
Well, I'm fairly new here too and I've gone through a massive amount of religious doubt and confusion ever since I figured out what I went through, so you're not alone in the slightest.

It's caused me to rethink a lot of what I believe and really try and get down to the root of how I should live my life. I personally grew up in a fundamentalist/literalist-type Christian church and have been looking into a lot of "wrong" things I was taught-- discrimination against people for their pasts, biological things they cannot change, etc.

So I sat down and wrote out a list of things I believe and tried to make it simple-- picked my personal focus to be more of beneficence and nonmaleficence-- the duties to do good when I can and the duty of not causing undue, intentional harm to someone.

I don't mean to talk about yourself, but I'd recommend starting there and see where that leads you. It's helped clarify things to a better degree myself-- hopefully you can accomplish similar.

You're doing something strong reaching out to learn from others. There's a stigma of asking for help being weak, but I'd compare it to learning from your coworkers-- if you get a new piece of equipment, you could either try and learn it yourself or talk with other people and learn it fast and accomplish the task together.


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