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#411932 - 10/02/12 12:02 AM Re: He seems resentful that I am hurting [Re: RachelMac]
RachelMac Offline

Registered: 08/26/12
Posts: 58
Thanks Robert--it's not money that is keeping me from therapy. It is this feeling like why should I be in therapy if he isn't willing to go. It pisses me off. But as HD said above, I should be a positive example.

Today he told me he's good at pushing things down deep inside. I told him he isn't because it's very obvious to me and all our friends and family that he is a different person these days. So he said, "Not a lot of people would still have the guts to face life that have walked in my shoes." I get that his life has been difficult, but he's basically saying he is living and getting by. Well our marriage suffers because of everything. I don't want to just "get by." I want the person I married back. I don't want "good enough." I want all the good things I deserve. I don't want to have to wait around for an undetermined amount of time because he may or may not get well.

I struggle between throwing the towel in and just starting MY life over and being the type of person that will wait because they're promised that the husband will get better. When is enough enough? How does one determine if it is worth it to stay or better to go? I mean I love him and I want it to work, but am I just holding on to what things used to be in hopes they will be that way again? I read a quote, "what screws us up most in life is the image in our head of how things are supposed to be." So true.

#411984 - 10/02/12 04:02 PM Re: He seems resentful that I am hurting [Re: RachelMac]
Robert1000 Offline

Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 453
Pushing stuff down inside is not a long-term solution. I hate to say it so bluntly, but it isn't.

Also, as to your quote, I might buy it if what you're holding up as the image of life is something that's "normal." There's no such thing as normal, as we all know.... But, it's totally realistic to expect that your marriage and your partner can meet your needs. That's not asking too much.

The main thing is, you husband has to try. He has to try. And pushing things deep down inside doesn't count. That's a copout. He actually has to deal with things, because his abuse and his own attempts to deal with it continue to create problems in his life. That's kind of the secret of trauma. The trauma itself may be long gone, but the things that we did as children to save ourselves become something that we eventually have to save ourselves from, if you follow me.


#411992 - 10/02/12 05:00 PM Re: He seems resentful that I am hurting [Re: RachelMac]
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
Hey Rachel,

I can relate to what you are saying. Some days I feel a lot of hope, and some days I just want to pack my car and drive away. To stay of to go is a very hard question and one that only you can answer.
In my head I think what if it was me? What if was my H, would I want my partner to leave? What if someday I get injured and am in a wheelchair or become very ill and need care, would I want H to leave me? Well no I wouldn't and if he did it would break my heart. Personally my vows were in sickness and in health and I see my H as being sick mentally, because of his abuse. Now that's not to say I will put up with anything if he beat me or had affairs I would consider our vows broken but everyone is different. What is the last straw for one person is not for another and it's a very personal decision.
I know how painful it is. A lot of the time I feel like my H doesn't even love me. I know he cares about me but I just don't see how you can be so cruel to someone that you love. He never says anything nice to me, unless I ask him to. He doesn't take responsibility for his actions doesn't want to see how much he hurts others. I feel a lot of the time like he is a defiant 14 year old. Therapy is helping me focus more on myself little by little. It is helping me not put so much weight on his actions. I felt like you did for a long time. Thinking that HE needed to be the one in that chair not me. But the truth is that after 5 years of this stuff I have been traumatized too, I have a lot of anger and pain inside that is hurting me by not letting it go. It sounds like maybe you do as well. And after all you have been through with this you deserve support and place to vent and clear you mind. I think this is what therapy can offer you. I know it is helping me a lot. Just wanted to share my experience.
Everything comes from within

#412012 - 10/02/12 09:50 PM Re: He seems resentful that I am hurting [Re: RachelMac]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Rachel Hi

Sorry for your pain. It is very tiring for you to have to deal with all of this.
Remember one thing, Your husband is not the only person hurting here. He does not have soul claim to pain. YOU have also been abused and manipulated for as long as you have been with your husband.

Just read your own post,I read about someone that has been beaten down by life with a survivor, someone that is listless and worn down, mentally tired and emotionally drained.
So next time he drones on about how sad his life is, remember that you to have not had the best hand dealt to you. I dont know which pervert abused him, but you are being abused by someone that is supposed to love you.
Please get yourself into an Al-Anon group or a CODA group and get yourself a support structure.
If you are not well, the potent force that is woman, cannot help the family to get through this.

Heal well
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