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#412063 - 10/03/12 11:27 AM . [Re: MarkK]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/13/13 02:35 AM)

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#412074 - 10/03/12 02:14 PM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2653
Loc: Denver, CO
ok, i've tried twice already to answer, the last time i was putting my last period in place and the stupid PC rebooted.....
so - one more time...

Life - you are too young to be thinking about "meeting the same fortune" as me. Breathe. Slow down. I understand the feeling, but you (hopefully) still have some health to get you outside for walks, maybe bike rides? anything to stimulate other areas of your brain while working your muscles.
And BREATHE

Gary - "epic meltdown" ... i like that phrase .. it belongs in a poem ... or song .. or something ... mind if I run off with it? No? Kewl - thanks for sharing it! smile
Seriously tho - you're right - the fact I'm still in here trying to dig out means ... something. My brain appreciates it I guess - but my heart ... it's just not in it anymore.

Moose (Pete) - my good friend. We have walked a few miles through these forums side by side - passed each other sometimes or been on parallel routes. Your consistent, steadfast friendship is a mighty help and reminder that I can always go at least another day. Thank you for being who you are!

Sam - backwards is the new forwards? I missed that announcement wink
Seriously - the analogy was on spot and well timed. As always, you come through with some truth that deserves being examined.
Thanks!!

Pero - thank you. My mind understands what you are saying, but my heart thinks that if this is my best i'm in serious trouble. And right now, I'm being led a lot by the heart. Tho I do appreciate your sharing!!

Scott - I know I've responded once - but you reminded me of something big. I did say no more after Kirkridge, then 4 years later - I was back. But I still didn't make it thru the last exercises frown I do have intentions of going again in two years and making it through ALL the weekend. And that is a goal - something to hold onto. Thank you for helping me think about what I [i]have[i] gained from the WoRs.
_________________________
Number of WoR's attended: 3
Last attended: 2011
Blog: https://survivorroad.wordpress.com

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#412077 - 10/03/12 03:40 PM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3857
Loc: South-East Europe
Well Mark I like your responses to all of us smile
Now question to your heart, what have you done these last years that was good about your recovery?
Give us something, anything smile ?
You know when I've read Victims no longer I was very surprised when I've read somewhere how many survivors are perfectionist at one side and at other have negative self image buried deep down.
Well your reply to all of us as well as your kind of "dissatisfaction" that flips from time to time somehow reminds me on all of that.
Please forgive me but I'm trying to keep open discussion on all this matter, there are a lot of others who are feel the same, it is just difference in number of back steps I should add smile


Pero
_________________________
My story

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#412221 - 10/05/12 03:16 AM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2653
Loc: Denver, CO
I've attended two WoRs.......
I'm starting my 5th year with the same T

I am a perfectionist - full of negative self image and self hatred.

But I'm not sure I understand the dissatisfaction that "flips from time to time"... and hoping you can give some comprehension in that area.

ps - nothing to forgive, my friend. I'll discuss as long as people are wanting to.

so ... did I answer your questions?
_________________________
Number of WoR's attended: 3
Last attended: 2011
Blog: https://survivorroad.wordpress.com

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#412341 - 10/06/12 03:18 PM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3857
Loc: South-East Europe
Wow you did some successful and good things for yourself and your healing man smile
Are you saying that you are back to your T that you fired before last WoR smile how come ?
Yes you answered me more than enough.
Well my remark about dissatisfaction - you see some association to that came to me when I've read some your post/poem where you haven't been lets say so positive, but I can't recall exact occasion. Maybe I chose poorly that word, sorry.
How are you doing these days ?

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#412363 - 10/06/12 11:47 PM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2653
Loc: Denver, CO
I thought most of my posts (especially poems) are not so positive... maybe it's just my view point..
Regarding the T - no, not the one I fired right before the last WoR - the one I dropped last October. He and I had a pretty bad disagreement, loud, ... anyhoo - at the WoR they were going over mindfulness with us, having us breathe, relax, think of a safe place - and BLAM! His office came to my mind. There we were, in my mind's vision, in his office like we had been before I erupted. So - figured my subconscious still considers him a safe place - so I'm back with him and we're building back the relationship and heading forward.

I tell everyone I'm doing fine because I basically am. I'm not hurting myself, they don't have to worry about hiding my own medications from me, and no one's threatening to put me in 72 hour hold. This is a big improvement in a little over a week. (I'm telling you - I crashed and burned when I came home from the WoR and had no support). I now have my T back - and I've started back with the men's CSA support group I used to attend on Tuesdays.

I suppose I answered more than enough this time too... it's a habit I'm falling into - my T says it may have to do with the fact that I'm writing in my blog more and releasing more stuff in my poems. Sounds reasonable to me.
_________________________
Number of WoR's attended: 3
Last attended: 2011
Blog: https://survivorroad.wordpress.com

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#515898 - 10/04/17 01:05 PM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
Broknwings Offline


Registered: 07/16/16
Posts: 9
Not sure if anyone has posted this on MS. But, I think it's a good video. Not there myself.... but still a good video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iNOE0dZpHcY

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#515899 - 10/04/17 03:24 PM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3790
Broknwings

I saw a very powerful video on Facebook today of forgiveness by one of the Mengele twins during the Holacaust. I am still grasping how the woman could forgive for all she endured.

https://www.timesofisrael.com/video-of-holocaust-survivor-forgiving-mengele-goes-viral/

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#515901 - 10/04/17 07:06 PM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
Greg56 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/14
Posts: 144
Loc: Upstate NY
Mark...I do understand the concept of one step forward and then back again. I heard that plenty of times while I was processing the events. I also felt like I was going backwards. The only thing is that while processing...I believe that the "steps backward"...were actually steps forward in my overall well being.

As far as the WOR's...the first one, I was pretty numb during the entire weekend...it was so surreal that behind the names, and faces, were real people with basically the same types of abuses that happened to me. There were several of the exercises that I didn't participate in...because I was too afraid. I don't regret this, as I just wasn't ready for them.

The second WOR, I was in a much better space...I had only one more event to process...that I couldn't quite get. That was a rape by a roommate. During the small group...for whatever reason...all of the "T"s "jumped on me", and drilled me for almost the entire session. I was definitely numb by the time they finished with me. However, the next morning I woke up and felt like the whole world had left my shoulders. So in fact...when I thought I was going backwards or stuck...I was actually going forwards, I just didn't know it. Sometimes it felt like the whole world was going past me at lightening speed, and that I was going nowhere. I thought that I would be saddled with the feeling of hopelessness that I had had pretty much all my life. This was my life and I just had to deal with it.

But you know what? I got past it...and put those events behind me(didn't deny or bury them in the back of my mind). I still think of the events everyday...but they do not have the control over me the way they used to. I used their strength and power that they had over me, and gave it to myself for my own well being.

The way that "I" accomplished that...was to separate the different events. Previously, they were all bundled up into one. So that, by thinking of one event...they were all there together and overwhelming me. Which led me to believe that it was me who caused them to happen.

Once I began to work on them one at a time...I found it much easier...not that it was easy in anyway. It took a lot of hard work and pain. But that was a decision I had to make. I never knew that I could live, and feel the way I do today. Didn't think it was possible. I had lived that way for so long, it became a huge part of who I was. After a couple of weeks after the last WOR, I was missing something. I didn't know what at first. But, I came to realize that this was a whole new world to me. I had never given it a thought about the "after effect". I was so wrapped up in the abuses and mistaking them for "this is my life", this is who I am. I never considered any other way. But, I slowly merged myself into it. I began to realize my life wasn't what I had thought it was for so many years.

It can be done...never give up!
Greg


Edited by Greg56 (10/04/17 07:19 PM)
_________________________
"I am here...they are not...I own my strength and power...they do not"

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#515912 - 10/05/17 12:48 AM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
Greg56 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/14
Posts: 144
Loc: Upstate NY
I just an analogy come to me about this subject. I hope I can explain it right.

I once had a friend that was in a major car crash. The doctors were treating her for her major complaint, but as time went on other complaints rose.

Her doctor told her that as the major complaint was waning, other complaints which were once minor pains would surface. That it was going to be an ongoing process, until they were all dealt with.

I see this in us. Possibly each time we process one memory others will surface, to make it seem like we're stuck or going backwards.

Just a thought

Greg


Edited by Greg56 (10/05/17 12:51 AM)
_________________________
"I am here...they are not...I own my strength and power...they do not"

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