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#411669 - 09/28/12 05:30 PM 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?**
MarkK Offline

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2653
Loc: Denver, CO
well, tomorrow I see a new T. actually, no - I see the old T I left a year ago. no time to try to figure things out and "explore" my possibilities - my mistake was going to the WoR without a T waiting when I got back. A mistake I won't be making again. I'm sure it hits different people differently - me it hit like a downhill freight train.
Right now I wish I'd never started this whole thing. When I first thought "hmmm .. abuse?" - that would have been when to quit. Before I had confirmation. Before the memories. Before my anger started going off the charts at the SLIGHTEST provocation. I can now say I believe I was better off not knowing.
Many of you that deal with your memories, and have been for years - I have no idea how you do it. It's too much for me. I don't know how to cope. My wife was unsure about me before - you should see her back away now. How I've kept my job since getting back is a miracle in itself.
To have suspected "foul play" was one thing, to know RAPE is another. I can't stand to look at myself. I can't stand ... anything about me.
Someone show me the exit, I wanna get off this ride. please.
Number of WoR's attended: 3
Last attended: 2011

#411679 - 09/28/12 06:55 PM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3863
Loc: South-East Europe
Hang on ((((Mark))),
I hope tomorrow will be kinder.
I know that life is terrible difficult; you are not alone brother.

My story

#411682 - 09/28/12 07:10 PM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
Robert1000 Offline

Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 453
Keep at it, Mark. This is the path toward healing, but there's only one way to get from here to there and unfortunately it's through the fire. Have courage. The pain will pass. The healing has already begun. Thanks for sharing. It will get better.

#411686 - 09/28/12 08:07 PM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
risingagain Offline

Registered: 11/10/10
Posts: 597
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
We're here together Mark!!! We breathe in and we breathe out. We look at ourselves another day and make a few different choices. We find people that accept and appreciate us, even honor us for our journey. We find understanding and love, and sometimes rejection and pain. We get up again, rinse and repeat. Sometimes it is just different, and we are lighter and renewed. We think better thoughts about ourselves, reach out and connect with others, have new experiences, relive old memories, sometimes fall back into the trauma, and breathe.... rinse and repeat. We keep stretching and growing and recognizing that change take time. We make a new commitment to do one thing different. We try a new sport, make a new friend, allow ourselves to be vulnerable with someone we trust. We learn to love ourselves.

It is possible. It is a long road with many ups and downs.

That's all I know.

Bless you brother!!!

Edited by risingagain (09/28/12 08:08 PM)

#411688 - 09/28/12 08:10 PM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
risingagain Offline

Registered: 11/10/10
Posts: 597
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
I wanted to say one other thing... is that even my deepest pain, which I think is pretty deep, has never killed me... my running from it on the other hand, nearly has.

#411689 - 09/28/12 08:12 PM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
risingagain Offline

Registered: 11/10/10
Posts: 597
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
You survived brother! Half the battle is over! The rest may be difficult, but it is gravy compared to what you have already won.

#411693 - 09/28/12 09:06 PM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: Robert1000]
petercorbett Offline

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2509
Hi, my, fraternal brothers.

Yep, we sure know all about those steps forward as hard as they come. We also know all to well about those steps backwards.

If you are like me I'll spend way too much time dwelling on those backwards ones, Why?

Mark,You have been here in MS longer than I have. We have shared our hurts & fears together. We have shared our secrets together.
Most importantly we have offered each other our compassion, understanding & hope for one another.

Wish I never started this whole thing.
Way back in August of '08, I felt the same way about all of this. I was 69 1/2 years old when it all came together. I was headed for an emotional & mental breakdown. I was in deep confusion with my various emotions, hating one abuser, wishing she was dead. Then on the other abuser I fell in love with him genuine love that would keep him a huge part of my adult life. I needed help and fast. Sitting in the dark where no one could see me trembling, tearing up, nose dripping, etc. I told myself why couldn't I have carried all this stuff to my grave? Why now so late in life?

Well, my brother Mark, like you I've been in therapy for a few years. But most of all I've been to four WoR"s weekends that would be emotionally, mentally & physically exhausting. Once again telling my deepest secrets to a group of "strangers." A senior citizen amongst his younger peers. At each one of those WoR's & from every post that I have made here, I have come to learn more about myself in these past four years that I ever knew in my previous 69 1/2 years on earth. Now I know most of the why's on how I have lead the life that I have. My attitude towards females. My lack of respect for authority. My mistrust of others. My real sexuality, to name a few.

On my first WoR, at Dahlonega, Georgia in '09. I had received my inner child back. Little/young Pete, I was elated to have him back. I was in the infinity of the heavens, that's how high I was emotionally & mentally. Little by little young Pete was reminding me of some things long forgotten, things that would come home to roost less than a year later, when I got myself way too overwhelmed, way too deep inside of myself. Conflicting feelings, wild swinging emotions, etc. I was in deep clinical depression. I was ready to make the ultimate solution in ending my pain, guilt, shame & love. I was standing at the gates of hell, ready to take that final step across that line.
A voice came into my conscious mind, big Pete make the most important telephone call of your life now. I did, I got help, I was locked up for my own protection.
While there, that young Pete came back to me, telling me that I ought to be ashamed of myself because I thought that we were too old to deal with this. It hurts too much. It's taking it's toll on us emotionally, mentally & physically. Ready to take the ultimate solution in ending it. He reminded the big Pete that he (young Pete) had SURVIVED with his SECRETS for 69 1/2 years. And, YOU big Pete thought it was too tough to deal with for one year. My (young Pete's) 69 1/2 years to your one full year in therapy. I'm ashamed of you.

I am glad that this all came to the surface during my lifetime for one reason. I didn't know ME until now. Is it worth it? You bet. Has it been easy? No way. Will I have my doubts about becoming that SURVIVOR? You bet. Will I doubt myself on certain beliefs that I have held on to for all of my adult life? You bet.

So far for me, my brothers, it has been worth every flashback, every dream, every hurt, every feeling of guilt, shame, deep depression & worthlessness. Every emotional & mental feelings good or bad.

I had promised that young Pete, back in '09 in Dahlonega, Georgia, when I held on to him for dear life, hugging & kissing him, telling him that i love him, I'm never going to let you go. Yep, through it all I'm damn glad that I DIDN'T take it to my grave, as I would have lived a life not knowing about the real me. That courageous young boy who already had learned what he had to do to survive things that he could neither comprehend nor understand. We sure do now.

My brothers here, I offer the only thing that, that young boy/man named Pete possess, that's his compassion, understanding hope & love for his brothers here in MS.

My brother Mark, please never give up hope, never. This will pass, you will become stronger. you will become a SURVIVOR.

I hope that this long winded reply is of help and encouragement.

Wishing you all well in healing.

"I will take that lost boys hand & I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.

#411700 - 09/28/12 10:11 PM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3849

It is a process, slowly you move ahead after a few starts, a few steps back, but in time the steps forward begin to outnumber those that take you back. It can be a roller coaster of a ride but in as you begin to heal and start to feel emotions and an improved perception of yourself, it makes you want more. So don't give up, vent and never be ashamed to feel sad, it is part of healing facing the horrible deeds that were done. Good luck

#411706 - 09/28/12 11:18 PM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5972
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
What do you think so far Mark? Before I add to this very good thread, I would like to know... has some of this worked in the past? Is anything here looking promising?

At one point in my life, none of the above made any sense to my rage, to my hurt, to the abuse and the scar it left on my heart. Now is a different story, thank goodness for those steps back. Before I was 10 steps forward and none back, and I lived the agony. Recovery was about 1 forward and 9 back allowing me to connect with the abused self and bring him forward, with loving kindness. Now I am more forward than back the abuse making me a more kind, compassionate man, ready to accept and be open about me and my causes. I was angry at them and at me, now I am not angry. The answers are coming.
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#411711 - 09/29/12 12:00 AM Re: 1 step forward, 9 steps back **Triggering?** [Re: MarkK]
Magellan Offline

Registered: 01/01/11
Posts: 1598
Loc: California
In hindsight, all the steps backwards I thought I was taking were absolutely necessary.

I *loved* what Sasuva just said ... "recovery was about 1 forward and 9 back allowing me to connect with the abused self AND BRING HIM FORWARD". Brilliant. Bloody brilliant.

Thanks for helping me make sense of my own recovery by sharing your questions with us.


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