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#411563 - 09/27/12 08:13 PM Acting Out
providence84 Offline

Registered: 07/10/12
Posts: 4
Loc: RI
I feel like this place is safe enough to put something out here without to harsh of judgement, and also get back some good advice, insight, suggestion, support, etc. This is something that I've struggled with alot lately. Frankly it's something I've struggled with my whole life since the abuse and it's weighing heavier now than ever before, not sure why. Since I was in my late teens/early 20's I've behaved like somewhat of a sexual deviant, at least that is how I see it. Despite identifying as a straight guy, and only ever entering into straight relationships my entire life, and really truly feeling like a straight man, throughout the years I have continually engaged in brief sexual encounters with men. I use the word brief because with the exception of one person, they were single isolated meetings that didn't last long, were strictly sexual and absolutely nothing else beyond that. I usually meet these people via the internet, communicate for a short period of time, meet for the purposes described above, and then it's done. I have always sought out a specific type - in that they were older than myself, preferably married or in a relationship, often times like myself, as I felt as though they offered the best discretion. What I have come to realize is that the thing I am most attracted to are the moments prior to actually meeting these people in person. I think of it as the "chase" - it's the period where I am being sought after heavily, overly complimented on my appearance, engaging in explicit and highly sexual chatting, and overall excitement at the prospect of being sexually stimulating to this person. In the beginning, chatting was sufficient for me and I got what I was looking for from those situations. It escalated from there to either exchanging pictures or meeting in person because the accolades would increase and their desire to really engage in sexual contact was evident and I fell in love with those feelings of being wanted and lusted after. The first time that it ever reached the point of actual physical contact, it was almost as if I felt obligated to just do something because we had been in communication for so long, and there might have been some heavy guilt laid on by the person who angrily referred to me as a tease. Now I won't lie and say that the sexual contact wasn't pleasurable, surely it felt good in the moment, however without fail after every interaction, I crash. Just a complete draining of all of the energy and life from my body. Every single time, I swear to myself that it's the last time I will do something like that, because I never walk away feeling good about anything, not myself, not life in general. The aftermath really is a horrible experience. I am beyond disgusted with myself in those moments. It eventually passes after some time and I know deep down that the need to do it again, the excitement will undoubtedly come back, the question just becomes, how soon. I liken the whole thing to a drug addiction because honestly that is really what it feels like. I've never been addicted to any kind of drugs in my life, but from what I see in the media or hear directly from people, the feelings and thoughts that they experience when addicted to drugs doesn't seem all that different. It's a powerful need that I can't shake and absolutely have to fullfill. If I try and brush it to the side and not act on it, I can't focus on anything until I do something about it. I feel so stupid saying it, but I truly feel like it's so powerful and too strong for me to fight off.

I'm not single, and in fact I am in a virtually happy and committed relationship with someone, there are even talks of marriage. I've read some of the posts from partners here and what they go through in their lives and how traumatic the experiences their loved ones have put them through - and I can't help but feel like my relationship is the same - I know it is the same. We are a ticking time bomb waiting to explode when the sad truth of how I conduct my life is uncovered - and every bit of the turmoil that will unfold is my fault. I don't want this lifestyle to be my destiny - I want better for myself and everyone else in my life. But I can't help but feel like the damage is done and there is no recuperating from the bad choices that I've made. The current program I am on isn't safe or healthy, firstly for the girl in my life, and second for myself.

I feel the need to put this out there because I hold onto this reality myself. Nobody on the planet, aside from the people I meet for these encounters, know the truth. I wanted to unload a little bit of it because for one, it is so heavy, and two, I truly want to stop doing this to myself and others - I just don't know how.

Thanks for listening

#411567 - 09/27/12 09:11 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: providence84]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Dear providence,

You are not alone. many men here report acting out in the same way.

I wanted to give you some input from my own experience as a Str8 man who has compulsively sought out anonymous sex with men. First let me tell you that I stopped it. Stopped cold turkey. Once I started dealing with my abuse, I began to realize that I was just re-enacting my abuse and that revolted me. I also realized that the kind of sex I was seeking was degrading and I was just punishing myself, because after all I am just a cum-dumpster, or so my perp would have me think. Finally I realized that the sex and the situations were getting riskier and riskier, and eventually I would end up dead, or with some disease that could impair if not kill me. The "high" I got from the sex was just another drug I was using to escape the pain of being raped at 13.

Consider getting yourself into therapy. And keep posting. It took alot of courage to put this out there. Keep it up and you always have brothers here who have your back.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#411568 - 09/27/12 09:30 PM Blank [Re: providence84]
steveb121 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/02/01
Posts: 157
Loc: Swindon, UK

Edited by steveb121 (08/02/14 09:28 AM)

#411661 - 09/28/12 03:10 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: providence84]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1070

Your story sounds a lot like mine. You're not alone.

Like Gary said, keep posting. Until you get yourself into therapy, posting here is a great step in the right direction.

Are you a student or grad student in Prov, by any chance? If so, there might be some good resources for you to get started on seeing a therapist.

Send me a private message if you want to talk more.

I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.

#411665 - 09/28/12 04:12 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: providence84]
Robert1000 Offline

Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 453
Hey Providence,

One thing I really want to impress on you is that you should never feel guilty or ashamed of yourself. By the grace of God, I didn't engage in this kind of acting out, but that's probably just random, honestly. But I want you to know that all of us have done things we're ashamed of, mostly so we could soak ourselves in shame and feel disgusting. If you want to read more of my thoughts on the subject, just click on my name and read some of the posts. Or just meander through the topics on this forum. All of us wrestle with this same issue.

Otherwise, let me just repeat a simple message... therapy, therapy, therapy.

And also, I sure appreciate you coming here and opening up. Here's what I like about these forums. I've lived with a lot of secrets in my life. I am so accustomed to creating little secret lives, places where my fucked up self can indulge in shame and guilt. It's painful. It's alluring. It hurts. And yet I have this habit of creating and recreating this pattern. Therapy helped me to recognize that pattern. Therapy helped me to stop it. And this forum has become a healthy place for me to express my thoughts and feelings with other guys who share my issues, and nothing is off the table. All of it is OK to talk about. There are no secrets here.

Keep coming. Keep writing. You're going to be OK. Things will get better. You're going to be able to have exactly the life that you want to have. This is how you'll get there.


#411666 - 09/28/12 04:56 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: providence84]
lee55 Offline

Registered: 01/12/11
Posts: 13
Loc: midwest
Dont feel alone. I too struggle deeply with such issues. I have only indulged with on line chatting, yet it gives me an indescribable high while doing it. I love my spouse deeply and the last thing I would ever want to do is to hurt her. She does know some of my background but not all. She points me toward religion which only makes me feel worse. Hang in there and know we are all good people.

#411670 - 09/28/12 05:34 PM * [Re: providence84]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 04:19 PM)

#411671 - 09/28/12 05:34 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: providence84]
Casmir213 Offline

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 851
Loc: Northeast, USA

Glad you were able to get that off your chest. We share similar issues. I have also engaged in sexual activities that caused bad feelings afterwards. Activities that could be thought of as addictions, because I knew in the end that I had no control over stopping. I still struggle with them.

Thanks for sharing your struggles here,

I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

#411691 - 09/28/12 08:19 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: providence84]
Getting By Offline

Registered: 05/15/12
Posts: 8

You can see from the thread, that there are guys queuing up to share the same story as yours. You're not alone.

Sometimes acting out (or "that sleeping around crap" as I call it with my therapist) is just a way CSA survivors go for a while.

My $0.02 is to repeat what some of the other guys said:
Find a good therapist.
The cycle can be broken.

#411781 - 09/29/12 09:15 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: providence84]
Farmer Boy Offline

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Hi Providence

There are so many similarities between our stories. Reading your story made me see more clearly what is going on in my own situation. So..thanks so much for sharing. I have always led a double life - good wholesome christian boy/man/husband and dirty sexual deviant. It never ceases to amaze me how the two polar opposites can both equally dwell inside my being.

I think the idea of the "chase" for us has a lot to do with power. On a subconscious level we feel a sense of power because we can 'make' them desire us sexually...because we ARE so sexally desirable. As a child we had no power over the situation but this time we are in charge - we can call the shots.

As for actually having sex with these men, underneath it all (for me) it is all about self loathing. I feel like I have no worth other than a sexual play thing. Afterwards there is always a huge feeling of regret. It has definitely became addictive to me. Sexual addiction is SO REAL. I totally understand the compulsion that drives you - it is SO powerful. The high can be so numbing...but it only numbs the pain so long before we are reminded of reality. These encounters ARE NOT REALITY - they are fake. Your committed relationship with the woman in your life is a REALITY. We need to choose to live in reality and not live in this fantasy world.

I am married with kids and believe me if you feel bad about it now it will only get worse if/when you get married. You need to try to deal with this before you think about marriage. It will not make it go away. If you push it down and don't deal with it - it will only come back with avengance.

Be STRONG!!! Healing Happens!
More than meets the eye!

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