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#411347 - 09/25/12 11:34 AM WHEN "ACTING OUT" DID ANYONE KEEP A "REGULAR"?
tina Offline

Registered: 08/14/12
Posts: 12

#411351 - 09/25/12 12:58 PM Re: WHEN "ACTING OUT" DID ANYONE KEEP A "REGULAR"? [Re: tina]
SkyLukewalker Offline

Registered: 08/13/12
Posts: 31
Loc: West Coast, US
Ouch - you sound like someone who's been hurt. I'm very sorry about that.

To answer your question - abuse survivors have all kinds of ways to deal with being abused. 'Acting out' can mean anything from masturbation to sex hookups. I can only speak from my own experience - while I've had to admit to watching gay pornography, I don't hook up with anyone. As bad as my life has been, I don't want to add cheating on my wife to it.

Without hearing from the survivor, it's difficult to say what is going on. I hope that this gives you a measure of comfort.

Edited by ModTeam (09/28/12 05:06 AM)
Edit Reason: Topic moved to Family and Friends forum. Removed reference to Family and Friends forum.

#411622 - 09/28/12 05:10 AM Re: WHEN "ACTING OUT" DID ANYONE KEEP A "REGULAR"? [Re: tina]
ModTeam Offline

Registered: 02/26/06
Posts: 722
Loc: Everywhere
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#411648 - 09/28/12 11:45 AM Re: WHEN "ACTING OUT" DID ANYONE KEEP A "REGULAR"? [Re: tina]
northernflicker Offline

Registered: 08/20/12
Posts: 88
I have read through your posts here and am sorry to say I agree with the respondents who say you are in denial about your husbands sexuality. You are asking variations of the same question over and over again, I would assume hoping for a different answer that would put your fears to rest. I understand that you have a strong desire to know why he is having sex regularly with men. Consider this: would you prefer that your husband were abused instead of gay? I'm sorry is that question is painful.

What are you doing for you? Even if you choose to continue trying to find another explanation for your husbands preferences, he is cheating on you repeatedly over many years and with many men. I dont know When you found out, but you know about it and presumably tolerate it. You might want to begin asking yourself why you are willing to tolerate this behavior in your marriage. I hope you've had a full work up for STDs, including HIV. If you feel you are not at risk because of a lack of sex on your marriage, then you have another piece of the puzzle. You should still get the tests though, if you have had even a single encounter with your husband been he's been having sex with other people. It only takes once.

Even if he was abused, which he says he was not, he is making a choice to step outside his marriage for physical intimacy. Is this OK for you? I don't think so since you are desperately seeking answers.

You might want to think about going into therapy for yourself to address your issues around this and determine the sort of marriage you want at this point in your life and whether you have that with your husband.

#411664 - 09/28/12 03:58 PM Re: WHEN "ACTING OUT" DID ANYONE KEEP A "REGULAR"? [Re: tina]
Robert1000 Offline

Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 453
I don't think your husband is acting out. I think he's trying to come out... of the closet. Your husband is gay. I don't know your husband. I wouldn't know him from Adam. But everything you have posted on this site has referenced the same facts... he loves having sex with men. In fact, with the two dudes he had his "ultimate fantasy" fulfilled. Your husband is gay. He's a homosexual man. He's... use whatever term you want.

Your husband is gay, I believe, because bisexuality is just that... bisexuality. That means he could be completely satisfied with you. Or he could be completely satisfied with a male partner. Your husband is not satisfied with you. In fact, his ultimate fantasy doesn't involve a woman. He has repeatedly and consistently gone outside the bounds of your marriage and your bed to seek sexual fulfillment. He wouldn't do that if he got sexual fulfillment at home, and that's true EVEN IF HE ALSO HAPPENED TO BE ATTRACTED TO MEN! I mean, hell, I'm attracted to women, but I don't hook up with random chicks online or wherever.

These posts, frankly, break my heart. Both of you seem so buried by denial. I wish you the very best. And you can and will have a wonderful and functional time together or separately when and only when you begin to be honest and accepting of who you are. Both of you. Your husband is gay. And you've married a gay man.

Good luck.


#411759 - 09/29/12 04:13 PM Re: WHEN "ACTING OUT" DID ANYONE KEEP A "REGULAR"? [Re: tina]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
There will always be two side to this discussion, thing is that it is bad practice to take sides in this situation. The only person that will know the answer to this is your husband and that he will only know after he has gone through therapy.
Fact is that sex, whether with men or woman, is like drugs or alcohol to a survivor, doesn't matter if it is heroin or crack, as long as it is a drug. SO sex often, doesn't matter whether it is with man or woman, it serves the purpose. Many may disagree.

The thing that you need to focus on is you, this is the one thing that you can heal and repair in this situation. It sounds terrible but you cannot make him decide right now what is happening in his own head.
There is so much pain and confusion going on in his life, he might seem like he knows what he wants, he might say that this is what he wants, but believe us all when we say that it is not.
No drug addict wants to be a addict, no alcoholic wants to be and alcoholic. Often we think that we arenít but we don't really know what is going on.
Your husband needs to get into therapy for CSA before he can make any decision about what he is or isnít.
Take care of yourself, and strengthen yourself. Find a support group and always put yourself first.

I know that this is not the answers you want but it is the best advice that I can offer.

Heal well
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#411761 - 09/29/12 04:27 PM Re: WHEN "ACTING OUT" DID ANYONE KEEP A "REGULAR"? [Re: tina]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3856
I agree with whome--your husband needs therapy for the CSA--once he begins to heal he will better understand who he is and not just be reacting to the confusion and control of the CSA. Victims can seek to re-enact the abuse as a way to gain control over the abuse so as not to feel like the victim and as whome said it can be a drug and the type of drug does not matter as long as it serves the purpose--a fix to relieve temporary pain. The actions may or may not be conscious acts by the survivor--our fragmented selves can serve different roles.

Therapy will help him and you should also seek counsel--it is a terrible thing CSA and its effects are long lasting.

Remember, no one knows who your husband is or is not--we here can not opine because we do know people react differently to CSA. So please reserve judgment despite what some may have stated--it is not fair for anyone to label him without knowing him and what he may have endured. So I do not judge him, I just want to see survivors and their loved ones heal.

#411791 - 09/30/12 02:33 AM Re: WHEN "ACTING OUT" DID ANYONE KEEP A "REGULAR"? [Re: tina]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367

I feel your pain. You are not alone. I feel that nothing with an abused man is black and white. Actually nothing in life is black and white.

Does your husband think he is gay? Did he have a "regular" that he felt romantic towards or was it just sex?

I have learned int he past 2 years that straight men have sex with men for a variety of reasons. Please visit Joe Kort's web site He isn't one of those crazy religious people who try to cure gays (he is openly gay himself) but he is an expert in this arena. I would take my advice from him and not from people on here. None of us are experts. No one can tell you whether your husband is gay except for him and/or a GOOD therapist.

What does your husband say? Is he a sex addict? There are many, many reasons men have sex with men. One is that it is easy. There is no wining and dining. It is all about the sex. I would imagine that it is illicit makes it all the mor3e exciting as well.

I am also a firm believer in the idea that sex can feel good with anyone if they do the right things. I am sure that i could be with a woman and they could make me orgasm. It is a physical thing. Does that make me gay if I did? I don't think so. It would just mean that my body responded. It is all very complicated.

When I read on here that people are saying "yes he is gay" I want to scream. Nobody can kow that and if your husband was abused, he probably doesn't know either.

Does he want out of the marriage? Does he want to live his life as a gay man? If he doesn't, then my guess is he isn't gay just very confused. Of course, I can't know anything for sure nor can anyone on here.

Please get into some good therapy. You have been through a very traumatic experience. Save yourself and let him figure his own shit out.

I have found COSA and S'anon meetings to be very helpful.

#411805 - 09/30/12 05:18 AM Re: WHEN "ACTING OUT" DID ANYONE KEEP A "REGULAR"? [Re: tina]
shortieg Offline

Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 58
As pp have said, we can only give you our one sided opinion. He needs to address the issues he is having, he needs to see a therapist. You need a therapist to deal with all of this. Good luck and I hope you both fin the answers you need.


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