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#411176 - 09/23/12 08:49 PM New here. Kind of nervous about it.
Jake74 Offline

Registered: 09/23/12
Posts: 2
Loc: Maryland
Hello everyone,
I have been reading posts on here for a while so, I decided that I should register and introduce myself. My abuser was the stepfather of my friend and involved in the Boy Scouts.
I have been having a tough time lately. Penn State really set me off. I have also participated in parole hearings for my abuser, via victim impact statements. The parole thing was in August. This year, I just couldn't do it. That really bothers me.
So, I'm 38 years old, single and kind of a hermit. I have recently started to realize that I want more out of life. I am paralyzed and confused about how to get life going. I just don't seem to understand people, and they scare me, so I prefer to be alone. I have seen from reading the forums that a lot of people feel the things I do. I sure hope it gets easier.
Thanks for having me. -Jake74-

#411183 - 09/23/12 10:31 PM Re: New here. Kind of nervous about it. [Re: Jake74]
Country Offline

Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 654
Loc: Alabama
Welcome Jake. You are definitely not alone. Sorry we had to meet like this but I am glad you are here and opening up. Thanks and best wishes
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

#411186 - 09/23/12 11:08 PM Re: New here. Kind of nervous about it. [Re: Jake74]
Yellowbird Offline

Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 27
Thank you Jake for the kind comment on my post! You are not alone!!! Been going through the same surreal feelings. My situation is a bit different, and it is hard to take the step of moving in a forward positive direction. However! You just did!!! You go!!
Without faith nothing is possible, with it everything is possible. You just have to believe.

#411194 - 09/24/12 12:08 AM Re: New here. Kind of nervous about it. [Re: Jake74]
Anomalous Offline

Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 2013
Hi Jake,

Welcome to MS.

I am glad you have found this place of healing and support.

You are absolutely correct about a lot of us feeling the way you do. Dealing with abuse issues is not easy, but it is well worth it.

Try not to be so hard on yourself for not being able to participate in this years parole hearing. Look at how many times you participated in the past - and acknowledge how much strength and courage it took to do that, on top of what it took to go through the legal process to get him convicted.

If you feel therapy is an option, there are resources available. For help in finding a therapist please read the Consumers Guide to Therapist Shopping. Psychology Today has listings of therapists for all states and counties. You can choose the type of therapist you are seeking as well as the area(s) to which you are willng to travel. Also check your county rape crisis center. They offer services to males and females, at no cost to county residents. Some offer support groups in addition to individual therapy.

Take your time and look around. You do not want to trigger yourself by reading too many posts at one time.

At your own pace, read the boards and wander into chat. The lounge (chat) is open 24 hours a day though it isn't always populated.

We also have moderated chats called Healing Circles. They meet on Sunday and Wednesday evenings at 9pm eastern time and one on Tuesday at 19:00 UTC (European and African time zone) which translates to 2 PM Eastern US time zone. The Healing Circle on Tuesdays is scheduled to resume in January.

Again, welcome to MS.

Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

#411229 - 09/24/12 09:19 AM Re: New here. Kind of nervous about it. [Re: Jake74]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1070
Hi Jake,

You are home now with your brothers here. We are here to help and support you as you fight to overcome your anxiety with the world.

We've all been there or, more accurately, are currently exactly in the same place as you. You will also meet several survivors of Boy Scout predators, although that's not my story.

I am 35, single, and somewhat of a hermit myself.

I am about to take the leap with my doctor and get myself a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication to help me deal with people.

You are not alone, brother. Welcome to the Island of Misfit Toys.
I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.

#411230 - 09/24/12 09:47 AM Re: New here. Kind of nervous about it. [Re: Jake74]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3584
Hello Jake

Welcome and you have taken a brave step. Healing is journey and we are all traveling here. Some a blessed to have family by their side, others have found support in others and others are still searching for support--but everyone here is a supporter of each other. We understand, we do not judge because each of us reacts differently to the abuse from how we treat ourselves, how we view ourselves, how we see the world--so how one heals will differ for each of us but the important element is to realize you are a valuable human being despite what has happened to you-it was not your fault (I know easier said than done--I grapple with the guilt and question why and why did I let it happen over and over--but I am getting better at accepting it). First learn you are valuable and do not let others abuse and harm you--it only makes it worse--it pushes you back into the dark place--I know it first hand. Surround yourself with good and compassionate people. Heal well and remember vent all you want here--because I know I have done it a million times and the people here were here for me. Good luck.

#411232 - 09/24/12 10:02 AM Re: New here. Kind of nervous about it. [Re: KMCINVA]
petercorbett Offline

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2509
Hi, my fraternal brother, Jake.

Welcome to MS. Here you will receive compassion, understanding & hope, from your brothers (fraternal) & friends in pain.

We all have been there. We have been into the depths of our soul & hell too.

We will hear your cries. We will help in your fears & share in your tears.

Be prepared for the emotional roller coaster ride of your life.

Jake you & I have a bit in common. First, incest victims, then follow on abusers. Memories resurfacing a bit later in life, you 38, I was 69 1/2 years old. Prefer to be a hermit.
May I suggest the CSA guide book, Victims No Longer it is sort of the bible for us in healing. You can either buy one or perhaps your local library has a copy. It will be a great help for you.

Great courage in signing on. My fraternal brother, Jake, wishing you well in healing. You are on your way.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.

#411261 - 09/24/12 01:43 PM Re: New here. Kind of nervous about it. [Re: Jake74]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England

It takes tremendous courage to just take the steps you have by being here. I can't say the journey is easy, but there is a future waiting for you. The outcome is in your hands. Stay strong, do the work and you'll make it.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#411312 - 09/24/12 10:29 PM Re: New here. Kind of nervous about it. [Re: Jake74]
Jake74 Offline

Registered: 09/23/12
Posts: 2
Loc: Maryland
Thank you all. I can't tell you how good it feels to know that I am not the only one that feels this way. I think that I thought that if I did the "right things" (prosecute, therapy, parole hearings,etc.)that I would feel better and this could all go away.
It seems that I was wrong. It just keeps coming back! I hate it! I'm glad that I found you guys. I feel like maybe I overdid it reading posts. I got myself a little out of sorts, but I think it's good to be here.
Thanks, -Jake-

#411342 - 09/25/12 03:45 AM Re: New here. Kind of nervous about it. [Re: Jake74]
Anomalous Offline

Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 2013
Hi Jake,

Finding a site such as MS may be the first time a guy discovers he is not alone. One may voraciously read, looking for stories that seem familiar, looking for information about how others have navigated various aspects of healing, and being amazed at the sheer numbers of guys who have also experienced being sexually abused or assaulted. Discovering one is no longer alone can be very powerful.

But a lot of information at one time can have it's downside, as you have discovered. No one expects to be traumatized by reading the stories of others, but it does happen. Give yourself a chance to recover from being triggered. When you resume reading the forums, do so in small increments. If you want support and the forums are too triggering, wander into chat. Though it may not be populated at the moment you arrive, guys wander in and out of chat at all hours.

You were not "wrong." Doing the "right things" as you call them - prosecuting, going to parole hearings, etc. can help the healing process, but is not necessarily enough. Those things do not necessarily help you deal with the effects of what was done to you. Healing from trauma often requires one to go over the same issues, but at deeper levels each time.

You are being very hard on yourself. Give yourself a break. Give yourself a chance to heal.

Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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