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#410602 - 09/19/12 11:29 AM Re: Betrayals in Marriage- The Variety Pack [Re: herowannabe]
northernflicker Offline

Registered: 08/20/12
Posts: 88
Yup, HD001, had that too. As I understand it it's part of the "I'm not OK, you're not OK" in fearful attachment.

#410696 - 09/20/12 06:04 AM Re: Betrayals in Marriage- The Variety Pack [Re: herowannabe]
MissHeidi Offline

Registered: 09/04/12
Posts: 9
Betrayal by not caring about others and not being considerate because of his sense of entitlement.

For me, one major betrayal is that I assume a person who loves me and I love - will care for me and about me and how I feel. I feel betrayed because I tried my best to give care and be considerate, but through he actions he always communicated "I don't care about you or how you feel". And he used my caring for him to manipulate me and push my boundaries. I know the same dynamic takes place in regular relationships, but my H. was extreme and totally unconscious. He did not understand what I was talking about.

1) the constant lies and deceit about even small things - before knowing about the sexual acting out, there were still lies, and when a person lies to me, I feel they say "I don't care about you". That is a betrayal of trust and keeping partner off balance.

2)outside requests/approval was more important than family's request/approval. Because outside request was superficial and easy to handle (giving gratification without giving self). To the outsider looked like he was a great husband (and I codependently assisted even though in private I again and again said that keeping the facade was draining and hurt me.

3)lack of empathy. My or others complaints and needs were basically never heard or acknowledged. Even when kids got hurt, his first reaction was "not my fault" (no one would blame him"), second reaction to shut up the kids, their crying (he couldnt handle it) instead of acknowledging their feelings, their pain and teach them to problem solve(heal them).

4)ENTITLEMENT. It was all about satisying his entitlement. never considering others entitlement. One rulebook for him. Another for the rest of the planet. Everyone learned to walk on eggshells around him.
5)Manipulation. Using others decency, honestly, politeness to make them give in to his arguments.

6)never apologizing, explaining himself, admitting when wrong.

7)the binge spending "to feel good". Sound stupid, but I have to list it as it has been a full-time job for years organizing his shopping sprees. Big shopping sprees. He would shop constantly and then he left the bags at the front door and never thought of the purchases again. I always had to "clean up" and organize the house and our life. I could never get an answers why every stupid thing he saw was necessary to own (control). Part of his thing was the high from the sales persons admiration that he was "important" and their willingness to be submissive for the $. My complaints were never heard and his actions never explained. He could spend $$$ on stupid stuff, but at the same time I was wasteful when I used would throw crap away or buy non-generic food.

The sexual acting out (there were lots) has been less harmful (other than lack of intimacy) than the daily emotional stress from not understanding why he felt so entitled.

just my reflections on the daily betrayals. My only solitude is knowing that he did not understand himself and therefore havent been able to give me logical answers to all my "why"s.

Edited by MissHeidi (09/20/12 06:33 AM)

#410714 - 09/20/12 09:22 AM Re: Betrayals in Marriage- The Variety Pack [Re: herowannabe]
G1psy Offline

Registered: 04/19/10
Posts: 13
Loc: Netherlands
hi hero,

"The variety pack", that's a funny way to describe the whole packet. smile

What comes to my mind is "the inlaws" who came with the marriage. The caused me trauma/betrayal as well as my husband.

Like you i wanted to make the best of things, help, support just be a real family with my inlaws.
I have done so many things for them. They have hurt me so bad. I feel i never will recover from their betrayal.

After my husband's disclosure, i came to see for the fist time, their real nature. After thirteen years!

When my husband wanted to leave me and our four year old sick child for his affair, his mother apparantly said something like, "i can't blame you". "She is such a closed and a reserved person". I never knew she thought bad of me. Wierd how she accuses me, when this family is full, - packed - with secrets.

Whenever i expressed conserns about my husband to her, she would change the topic.

I can only say now that my own mother would have responded very different if i would have been the one having an affair. She would have stood up for my husband and told me it was not oke to do this to him and our son.

When my mother inlaw heard of her other son approaching my husband in a sexuall way when they where children, (he wanted to have anal sex and sort of wanted to force him) she said it was just normal boy behaviour, exploring their bodies.

And the list goes on. I didn't know either that my father in law was photographing his stepdaughters panties when he was babysitting, practised sm, or had fantasies about raping someone with the use of a dog.
I cry now. I do. Freaking crazy family.

I never want to see them again. They sometimes stand on my doorstep telling me that the want to spend time with my son.
I tell them calmly to hit the road. And how do i explain this to my son. That im telling his grandma to piss of.
I just tell him bad things happend. And we will tell him one day what occured. When he is old enough.

My husband is a total mess. He has PTSD-c. He almost faints when he thinks about his abuse when he's doing his exposure therapy. I still don't know exactly what happend to him. Only that he was raped vilently. But lots of things happend, he is working slowly through this.

But yeah, my inlaws they are part of the variety package. But, a packet i have dumped.

I think now, how come i never knew... Is it me am i crazy, blind ?
I think now that you don't see what you don't know. A "healthy" person is trained to think good about other people because its the way you are raised yourself.
My parents where good, not saints, but good people. I know now i have been so blessed and i know i was loved. I think that makes the difference between my husband and me. Trust.

I remember now that i once saw my father in law snooping in our personal documents. I just thought hey, that is strange - after i told my husband. I thought maybe he was just passing and saw something that caught his attention? Trust?

I remember when i was young i once saw the movie "rosemary's baby". Well, that decribes perfectly the inlaw variety pack for me.


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