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#410065 - 09/13/12 08:09 PM Fish Out of Water *Triggers*
BeautyforAshes Offline

Registered: 08/27/12
Posts: 32
Loc: Central PA
Fish Out of Water

“You have made men like fish in the sea…The wicked foe pulls all of them up with hooks…”
—Habakkuk 1:14,15

In sleep, I fear water’s weight pressed down, drowning me
each time the air seeps out. How stunning, the stab
of throat accustomed to the lightness of air, darkness of water.
Down dream’s womb, panic to plunge back, shock of air,
rebirth, exquisite death of consciousness, knowing darkness,
myself, a harbored shadow thrown against the wall.

What remains shaded but the drowning truth of light?

Hardened hands in earth at 5 a.m. rout out the fatted meat
of dirt passed through flesh, worms in black soil.
Softened by their deliberate work—taking in filth to attain purity—
these bodies baited, opened, cast into dark waters;
air leans in, cuts through current, obviates another dying. He clutches
the stringer, stripping basket dressed to receive the feast.

What is fishing to me now—the practice of his hands have threaded
boyhood on hooks—thrusts beneath the water’s surface!

The clustered claustrophobia presses in, tightens, clench of teeth,
tensing up, rigid rigor mortis, tiny death in wakefulness.
His sweat an urgent haste, skin thrusts to satisfy, gratified, I die.
Laden, laid in gravesclothes, I pass from stringer’s chain
to stripping basket, casket stokes the choke of light, weight of sight.
My unlived life a fathomless dream;

seamed by the death I live with him;
worn revelation of shame mourned, torn in water, reborn.

Taking it back one day at a time.

#410067 - 09/13/12 09:37 PM Re: Fish Out of Water *Triggers* [Re: BeautyforAshes]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4089
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
B4A - You truly have a gift for writing.
thanks for continuing to share.

fishing was not a fun thing for me either - with the step-father, everything turned abusive.

it was too bad, because fishing was my father-in-law's passion - and it could have been a good bonding experience for us - but i just couldn't get into it.

"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

#410109 - 09/14/12 02:47 PM Re: Fish Out of Water *Triggers* [Re: BeautyforAshes]
BeautyforAshes Offline

Registered: 08/27/12
Posts: 32
Loc: Central PA

Thank you for sharing. It's affirming to hear I'm not alone in this, and I have regret that fishing was the thing used sometimes for me, that gave it a negative connotation. But, I know that fishing itself isn't bad. I too, wish it could be a good thing for me. Perhaps we can explore that someday or sometime in the future when we feel ready. How about it?

Taking it back one day at a time.


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