So I'm starting to feel like I've been put in a time machine and transported back 10 years to when I was a crazy 17 year old. I've returned home with my husband a week ago and we have gone to see the T twice and my H's biggest gripe about me is that I always pry into his stuff. I'm always asking questions and wanting to talk. The therapist told be to back off, he isn't ready. Fine that's cool I get it, I have kept my mouth shut about anything I want to talk about all week. I go to the gym, read, visit friends do all the stuff for myself I need to but since we have gone to counseling I'm noticing a weird change in myself that I didn't see coming.
I have PTSD and have had it under control for years so I guess I shouldn't be shocked that I'm being triggered. It's just that this trigger isn't about flashbacks to my own CSA it's about relieving the person I was before I handled it. I will try to explain.
Being in an environment where I am not allowed to freely express myself, or ask questions. Where I feel alone even though H is inside watching TV. It has made me feel really Isolated, and rejected. I'm feeling inside the way I remember feeling before I started my own CSA therapy.
I just want to be alone and cry. I feel full of anxiety and can't relax. When I try to take the skills I learned from therapy an sit down to identify the source of my feelings and how to change them I'm left with "I don't know where this deep pain is coming from."I'm wanting to take nasty jabs at people too just like I used to. The desire to cut myself has even returned and I haven't done that in years and I won't let myself do it again but I find myself wanting to so badly. The longer I go without talking to my H the harder it gets to try to talk. Like I'm literally falling back into the person that I thought I could never go back to being. I can feel the engines shutting down and the darkness creeping in.
My T warned me about this back when I was 20. She said I would probably have to deal with the abuse again as I grew and my life changed. However each time would be different and each time it would get a little easier. It is a little easier because this time I know I can heal and that the storm always passes where as the first time I went into it terrified.
I had forgotten how scary t is to not be able to make heads or tails or your own emotions, to not even want to talk about it because it feels like insanity. Oh god, what to do with myself this time. When I look at my husband I feel like I'm in a cage I can't connect with him, I don't want him to see me fall apart, I was always glad he never knew the old me but now I worry he will meet her. God damn you ptsd, god damn you demons. The perfect shit storm of me feeling isolated and alone, turns out I'm not as healed as I thought I was. I know I can do this. I know I can fix this. I have seen my in warrior come out and kick ass before and I know she is here with me. But I don't know where to begin. It's such as mess where do I start with cleaning it up. I'm in therapy, and have a support system. I just want to cry and cry and cry.
Everything comes from within