once again - i had no idea that anyone else felt or did some of the same things as me.
i hated the fact that i was going through puberty and was afraid that i would become like the step-father. i didn't like the hair either - was afraid i'd look like him. of course there was no heredity involved - but what did i know? (to my great relief - and my wife's - i never did grow as much body hair.) i also didn't like the fact that i got a lot of pubic hair very early - which made me an object of curiosity and attention in the middle school locker room and scouts and Y and public pool. when i first realized that it was such an item of interest, i tried trimming it back drastically, hoping no one would notice and they would forget about it if it wasn't there to stare at. but that brought even more attention. it was back before any males did that. i know i was trying to go back in time and be like the other boys my age that were pre-puberty or very early stages. it didn't work.
Quixote - about your fantasies about "being bound, tortured and raped by older men" - those would not have just come out of nowhere. as a kid - how would you even know about that kind of abuse unless you'd been exposed to some very sick stuff? no - i never had that kind of fantasies back then - much safer, age-appropriate and more "normal" ones at the time. it is only since reconnecting with my past memories in the past few years that i have had fantasies that were like reliving the abuse - but in them i am trying to change it to make it more acceptable. those fantasies bother me still - that i would intentionally re-visit those events and try to get any satisfaction out of it.
Edited by traveler (09/08/12 02:53 AM)
Edit Reason: clarity
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"