Welcome to MS.
I am glad you have found this place of healing and support.
Not having memories, or complete memories, for traumatic and abusive events is common. The mind frequently blocks off the information that is too traumatizing or too frightening. Lapses in memory can also be caused by the phenomenon of dissociation. Again, that is a protective mechanism. It is meant to help in the immediacy, though there are consequences for that protection.
There is a cruel irony to all of this. Those who remember would like to forget, and those who do not have all of the pieces would like to remember. Neither position is easy, but it is difficult to deal with events one cannot remember.
In time, when your mind feels like it can deal with the things you endured, your memories (if they exist) will be revealed to you.
You do not say whether or not you are in therapy. If you feel therapy is an option, there are resources available. For help in finding a therapist please read the Consumers Guide to Therapist Shopping
. Psychology Today
has listings of therapists for all states and counties. You can choose the type of therapist you are seeking as well as the area(s) to which you are willng to travel. Also check your county rape crisis center. They offer services to males and females, at no cost to county residents. Some offer support groups in addition to individual therapy.
There are several books you might find useful.
Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse by Mic Hunter.
In My Fathers Arms: A True Story of Incest by Walter A. DeMilly III.
Men Surviving Incest: A Male Survivor Shares the Process of Recovery by T. Thomas.
I am certain others will share titles they have found useful. You can find these titles, and others here at the bookstore
, or on Amazon.com.Here
you will find scientific research and scholarly resources regarding the recovered memories of sexual abuse.
Take your time and look around. You do not want to trigger yourself by reading too many posts at one time.
At your own pace, read the boards and wander into chat. The lounge (chat) is open 24 hours a day though it isn't always populated.
We also have moderated chats called Healing Circles.
They meet on Sunday and Wednesday evenings at 9pm eastern time and one on Tuesday at 19:00 UTC (European and African time zone) which translates to 2 PM Eastern US time zone. The Healing Circle on Tuesdays is scheduled to resume in September.
Again, welcome to MS.