Newest Members
Kristabar, tom93, ninjei, JollyRoger, AnonymousJerry
13511 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
camdon (33), camdon greenwood (33), Denise (75), getteddie (69), morgoth (27), Ric (69)
Who's Online
2 registered (Golden_Phoenix, 1 invisible), 54 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,511 Registered Members
75 Forums
70,179 Topics
490,017 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 11:29 AM
Topic Options
#409251 - 09/06/12 09:43 PM Why is it so hard to get ahead?
ShortedDiode Offline

Registered: 11/26/11
Posts: 120
Loc: Hamilton, ON Canada
Am I the only one that experiences the scarlet letter effect where once you're abused, you're marked forever? Where things that are straightforward for normal people are difficult and complicated for you for no good reason?

I went to the bank today to ask for some financial advice about moving some debt from my credit card over to my line of credit to get a better interest rate. It sounds simple enough but they wouldn't do it. The part that really annoyed me though was after that, when I asked what they could suggest instead, they had no suggestions at all. Of course they're in favour of the status quo because they're making more money from the interest rate on the credit card. So it looks like I'm stuck with the crappy status quo. I've been stuck with the crappy status quo on so many things in life and it's been difficult to move ahead, if not impossible at times and it's so frustrating.

Yet, this doesn't seem to be the case for all the normal people I know. Everything hums along nicely and clicks into place without much difficulty for them while I walk around with my own personal thundercloud above my head that throws down a few bolts of lightning whenever life looks like it might be getting too good for me. Either that or the same thing happens to them and they're just not talking about it. I honestly don't know.
If it's a choice between laughing or crying, I'd rather laugh.

#409254 - 09/06/12 09:55 PM Re: Why is it so hard to get ahead? [Re: ShortedDiode]
Country Offline

Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 654
Loc: Alabama
I have felt te same way at times. I think it is just that we see others and assume that they don't have these problems but they have them. They may hide it better than we do. But I have felt the same way.
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

#409277 - 09/07/12 01:05 AM Re: Why is it so hard to get ahead? [Re: ShortedDiode]
Letourski Offline

Registered: 03/16/08
Posts: 314
Loc: Canada
I think everyone encounters stress in their lives. Most people don't talk about it. I do know however that as survivors our ability to manage stress has been compromised. Research has shown that early childhood trauma affects the brain regions responsible for the regulation of stress amongst other things. It doesn't mean we can't, it just means we have to be better prepared and better equipped.

It means learning effective ways to deal with things. A key word I have run into a lot during recovery is awareness. Awareness is important because as surviviors we can take even a small stress and relate it to being deificent in some way. We internalize it and make it about how terrible we are. I have done this for a long time.
I am the warrior.

#409302 - 09/07/12 02:08 AM Re: Why is it so hard to get ahead? [Re: ShortedDiode]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4197
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
i have to repeatedly remind myself that everything that happens to me is not about the CSA.

i like that allusion to the "scarlet letter." that sure is what it feels like sometimes.

part of it may be that we have a heightened sensitivity to any kind of disrespect, emotional and physical offenses - that makes us revert to the abused kid mode of reaction. even things that are totally random or impersonal become about "THAT" - like getting cut off in traffic or rained on.

deep breaths and stepping back and counting to 10 and standing in the other person's shoes...
i hear you.
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#410280 - 09/16/12 01:24 PM Re: Why is it so hard to get ahead? [Re: ShortedDiode]
ShortedDiode Offline

Registered: 11/26/11
Posts: 120
Loc: Hamilton, ON Canada
That's an interesting point about stress management, Letourski. Actually, that would explain a lot. I have get seriously stressed out about things that don't seem to bother normal people much at all. I most likely had enough early childhood trauma to be affected between the CSA, bullying problem and abuse at home from the family. Dealing with the aftermath is so exhausting though and I've been feeling worn out a lot lately.
If it's a choice between laughing or crying, I'd rather laugh.

#410289 - 09/16/12 03:17 PM Re: Why is it so hard to get ahead? [Re: ShortedDiode]
Magellan Offline

Registered: 01/01/11
Posts: 1595
Loc: California
"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel." - Steve Furtick

I love that quote for its beautiful description of a very complex social process.

Everyone feels insecure to a degree, because of the quote above. But as some have already mentioned, us survivors have had our stress coping mechanisms compromised (we never learned them, or they developed dysfunctionaly as we grew up).

So in essence, what we discover slowly, is that we all have pretty much the same stressors in our adult lives. It's how we respond to them that makes all the difference.

CSA sucks to have, it really really does. But I have to admit, I appear to be approaching a phase in my recovery where I'm actually becoming grateful for some of my negative experiences. I'm sure the old timers here reading just might have a knowing gleam in their eye.

I made a decision to learn how to love myself last year. I made it because I described myself EXACTLY the same way you describe yourself. You're NOT ALONE! You can trust that ALL of us have had almost exactly the same sense of our lives.

Self love is probably the most difficult undertaking, because it requires bucking against most of our thoughts and feelings (negative self image). It's a herculean, heroic task.

And it's well worth it. Please keep posting, and please open up. Sharing about yourself will lead you to your happy destiny.


#410378 - 09/17/12 04:13 PM Re: Why is it so hard to get ahead? [Re: ShortedDiode]
Robert1000 Offline

Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 452
Magellan, you're right on the money. I might be on the same trajectory as you. I remember the first time my therapist told me that someday I might learn to love not the abuse that happened to me (of course not) but the overall trajectory of my life and my choices. Her point was that the abuse that happened to me, the ways I coped or didn't cope, and the things I've learned since starting to get therapy have made me into the thoughtful,caring and deliberate person I am today, and that I LIKE BEING THAT THOUGHTFUL AND CARING PERSON. Really. I thought she was crazy. I held so much hatred that I couldn't see anything positive in my life at all, especially not when it came to anything relating to my abuse. Just the thought made me sick to my stomach. Plus, I wanted to kill the person who hurt me. I fantasized about it. I spelled out the exact way that I'd get my revenge. I HATED him so venomously that I couldn't hold much else in my heart.... And I never really consciously let go of that hatred, but somehow in the past six or seven months (after YEARS of therapy) that hatred has eased. I don't know why. In fact, I'm feeling it come back right now a bit! I may not be quite ready to let it go. BUT, and this is an important but, I do know that I like who I am and who I have become....

Why did I go into all that? Because I want you to know that the same is possible for you.

Like you, I lived my life by a lot of magical thinking. That's what it is when you think that your CSA has anything to do with whether or not the bank will allow you to make changes on your loans. I used to link all sorts of things together in my life, but the fact is that maybe the bank officer was having a shitty day, maybe he/she didn't see how you were eligible to make the changes you wanted, or maybe that person was just an asshole. Whatever the case, it didn't have anything much to do with your abuse, my brother.

I hope you have a therapist. I hope you're ready to start healing. Because, as Megellan said, we're ready and willing to help you. We're on the same hard road. But it does get better. I really does. Thanks for posting. Good luck. My prayers are with you.



Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.