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#409230 - 09/06/12 06:03 PM I just found out my husband was molested
BAmatangelo Offline

Registered: 09/05/12
Posts: 2
My husband and I are in the process of finding a therapist that is qualified and will take our insurance. Until then I am at a complete loss and my mind is spinning. I am 29 and my husband is 31. We have been married for 9 years. We have three small children.

A week ago, my husband told me that he was sexually abused by his Boy Scout leader when he was 15. It was more than sexual was a year of mental manipulation, too. I am so horrified by what happened to him and have been loving and supportive. The last couple of days have left me emotionally frazzled. I'm so distracted by my emotions and I feel like I'm in a parallel universe.

Everyday all he wants to do it talk to me about his feelings and emotions and make sense of everything. For the first time in 10 years my husband is talking to me! It seems like every day new memories come out and he is a flood of emotions. His parents are extremely self absorbed and his childhood was quite toxic and dysfunctional. So now that he is feeling his emotions for the first time in 16 years...all the anger toward his parents is coming out right now, too. Last night he told me that his mom also touched him inappropriately when he was about 8 years old. This led to a complete breakdown where he was in a fetal position sobbing. It scared me and I felt like I couldn't hear about anymore "evil". I've heard too brain can't process anymore.

During this process...I am slowly starting to understand why I was miserable in our marriage. He was hurtful to me, never wanted to be intimate with me, was emotionally guarded and pushed me away. Now that I know "why" he treated me like this doesn't make it any easier. I've spent the last 10 years insecure...always feeling like I wasn't good enough. Somewhere over the years I started protecting myself and guarded my emotions, too. It seems like the more my husband releases his emotions...the more I release mine. Now I'm feeling all the anger and hurt that I pushed down for years. I'm trying to get past my own anger and insecurities to be there for him. I'm hoping someone on this board understands what I'm going through and can help me gain more insight.

#409232 - 09/06/12 06:24 PM Re: I just found out my husband was molested [Re: BAmatangelo]
CdnDW Offline

Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
Welcome BA. I am so sorry to hear that your life has been impacted by abuse, but I am very glad you found us. I am newish here as well, having only a few weeks under my belt, but I can tell you the impact on my life has been monumental. There are many on here who have lived or are living your story at different points of the story. I suggest you also find individual therapy for yourself. I know it can be expensive if your insurance will not cover it all, but this will impact the future of you, your marriage, your children and your husband, so it is very important. Seek out a CoDa group or begin reading about codependancy. When responses to my posts first suggested this, I thought "why, I'm not codependant"! I am a strong, confident woman, but realised that there were so many important lessons to be learned to help me stand separate, but beside my H through his recovery. This link helped me:

Take pause and breath deep. This will get better and the flood of emotions will ebb and flow. And whn you can't take anymore, give yourself the right to take a break and rest. You will be better for it and so will your marriage and your children.

If you haven't already, read sugarbaby's post about Time Helps. There are many stories of hope, survival and recovery here.

Take care and (hugs) to you.
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

#409238 - 09/06/12 07:32 PM Re: I just found out my husband was molested [Re: BAmatangelo]
BAmatangelo Offline

Registered: 09/05/12
Posts: 2
Thank you DW. I started looking at the link and I can tell when I get a chance to sit and read it thoroughly and uninterrupted... it will help.

I keep reminding myself that this is going to be a long process. It scares me, gives me hope, makes me sad, etc. I can hardly eat and have been losing weight rapidly. I am realizing that all the strength I showed the first few days is quickly fading and it is very important for my children and my husband's healing process that I take care of myself.

With that said...I will definitely be getting myself into therapy asap. You're right, I will make sure I let myself take a little break and rest. I have learned so much about child sexual abuse this week and I am so disgusted by what humans are capable of doing to each other. With everything else it seems like I feel betrayed by humanity. How can people be so horrible?!

I will look around on here and read more posts (especially sugarbaby's). It does feel good to know I'm not alone. Thank you and you're in my thoughts.

#409239 - 09/06/12 07:51 PM Re: I just found out my husband was molested [Re: BAmatangelo]
Robert1000 Offline

Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 453
Wow, B. Welcome. I'm sorry that you've found yourself to be part of this terrible-but-excellent club. I guess you'd say I'm a survivor. I know what it's like to keep these things buried for years, decades. I know how it can eat a person up inside. And how it can poison marriages/relationships. But I want to tell you this. Your husband will be SO MUCH HAPPIER as he comes to terms with the true and full facts of his life. And the same goes for you. He'll be free to be a better husband, partner, father and everything else he wants to be. I'm proud and impressed with him for his honesty. You should know that manipulation, shame, guilt and all that crap goes hand in hand with the sexual abuse itself, and all that might even be worse than the abuse. I mean, crap. I broke bones as a kid. That hurt. But left no lasting damage. But the weirdness of sexual trauma? Hello!?! That shit will eff a person up!

I second everything written by CdnDW. Get a therapist. Take plenty of breathers so you don't get too overwhelmed. Get a therapist. Get a therapist. Make sure your husband gets a therapist. Do fun stuff as a family sometimes so this whole "reliving the pain of the past" doesn't eclipse the rest of your life.

And... come around this site from time to time. I'm finding a HUGE amount of support here. And, often, a wonderful sense of acceptance and release. I'm a survivor. I have a spouse. I have kids. And I want nothing more than a solid and functioning life with my family, who I love. That's pretty much what we all want, isn't it? It's not too much to ask. And you'll get there. Honestly, your short post seems to show that you're on a good path, with a healthy frame of mind.

Good luck. And good luck to your husband. It's hard to face the past, but it's harder to hide it.



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