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#408919 - 09/04/12 06:46 PM The little boy I was died
F.A. Offline

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 230
Loc: United States
I have been getting glimpses and the feelings that go with them of what went on inside when I was first abused. How the innocent joyful child died that moment, I can feel that deep pain I felt then the loneliness that came on me at that moment and the helplessness and fear. It am being witness to the death of the child I was and it is not easy to take. Even at that young an age I wondered why what did I do wrong to be hurt like this why did God hate me and want me in hell. My parents will never love a dirty boy and all the boys will know I am dirty no good a bad boy. No one will ever want to be my friend again. All that as it happened and I was trying to leave my body to avoid the horrible pain in my body and soul. That child died a horrible death and will never be back he has been dead to long. My life was stolen my joy buried my hopes crushed in one instant in one day I was never the same again. I can't save him I can only try and save me from the slow death that started so long ago. If anyone ever wonders why it is hard to get over try and imagine how you would get over the death or your young innocent child how you could ever get over it.

To be sick is to be fragmented. To be healed is to become whole, and to become whole one must be in harmony with family, friends, and nature" -Navajo-

#408923 - 09/04/12 07:25 PM Re: The little boy I was died [Re: F.A.]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 01:21 AM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

#408979 - 09/05/12 03:13 AM Re: The little boy I was died [Re: bodyguard8367]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
F.A. and Bodyguard

I relate to both of your posts a great deal. It's as though the boy I was died at 12. Then he came back to life when I was about 45, and I was double. I was the man and the boy who came back to life. The boy remembered horrible things. The boy was deeply sullied. The boy didn't know how to live as a man. He was still a boy. The man had to drag around that boy or carry him. The boy was unhappy and full of the knowledge of the unsavory world.

Talk therapy didn't help that kind of problem a whole lot. EMDR helped the obvious symptoms but left a large number of memory gaps. The last EMDR session was on the terror of my experience at age 12. It was so terrible that I had to escape. I switched. I was aware of switching. Wow!


Edited by pufferfish (09/11/12 03:40 PM)

#409818 - 09/11/12 01:38 PM Re: The little boy I was died [Re: F.A.]
jay75 Offline

Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 145

I just read this post, It was as if you were writing down my own feelings. Im so sorry you carry this pain with you. I know it all to well. Its speaks to where I am right now. I find comfort that one day we will all be made whole again.

All the best to you,

"Those are not your sins" A wise man

#409820 - 09/11/12 01:50 PM Re: The little boy I was died [Re: F.A.]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3785
F.A and Bodyguard

I feel your pain and understand your loss of self. I too thought the child was dead except over the years I had glimpses of the abuse and nightmares of what had happened. I continued to bury the memories and now I know the child. The child never truly died, it lurked in the hallows of my being, waiting for the time it could resurrect and make itself known to me and the world. The child like yours was trapped in a perpetual state of childhood and did not understand what had been done to him was wrong and hurtful. He believed his life would always be one of love through reliving the what had been done to him. For years from the memories, torment in my living in the world around me I left and the child had its turn to live, but he was not strong enough to keep hidden forever, I did return and would leave, how, why and where I went I do not know nor do I know where the child went during those times--all I have is glimpses and fears of what may have happened. I would awaken in strange and unknown places, see writings which I did not understand--it brought fear to me but the child felt free and loved through his deeds--deeds he did not understand. He was locked in a child's mind looking for acceptance and to feel special, as the abuser led him to believe he was in the dark and dingy cellar, where the child learned love was abuse and sex.

One day I and the child will be whole. We are working toward this today. So I believe the child may not have died but rather lurks within your inner being. I feel so sorry for your pain, heal and realize there is life for you as a whole--we all are striving for that day.

#409822 - 09/11/12 01:55 PM Re: The little boy I was died [Re: F.A.]
Robert1000 Offline

Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 453
Good morning, F.A. Thank you for posting. I can relate completely. I hope you're getting therapy. If not, find a therapist and start. Please. You'll begin the road to healing.

But I just want to add a few things. I can remember wondering if I was dead. I can remember wondering if nobody mattered. If the world and all the people in it were just a dream. Like if it was all just a hoax. No people. No souls. No houses. No trees. Nothing.

It's weird to think how I became a different kid. I look at photos of myself from before that time, and he's just a happy go-lucky kid. And then after that time, I look scared and anxious. I used to hate those photos. I wanted to bash the head in of that scared like asshole, that stupid motherfucker. There's a picture of me from middle school or early high school. I'm sitting at a bench in my folks' backyard, eating a sandwich. And in the photo, even though I'm sitting on a low bench, I'm sort of sitting there, crouched over my sandwich, elbows on knees. And for some reason my feet are flexed, you know, like you do when you're standing on tip-toe. For some reason, I find that photo so humiliating. And it's because I associate that posture with being afraid. It makes me sad that I hate that scared kid. It breaks my heart that I was sad. I would never hurt a kid like that. What kind of sick bastard would target a scared kid?

I don't know. Good luck, F.A.


Edited by Robert1000 (09/11/12 01:59 PM)

#409829 - 09/11/12 04:10 PM Re: The little boy I was died [Re: F.A.]
Casmir213 Offline

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 851
Loc: Northeast, USA
F.A. and others,

I can also relate to this post. I can relate to having a sense of shame that made me stuff the spontaneous and natural child deep down inside of me, thinking that anything that stemmed from the inside of such a child was bad. I can relate to feeling things were not real. I can relate to the feeling that life itself was not real. The sense of detachment from events, people, and the world around me has been so strong that I don't think I have really faced life at all. I know that when things get really ugly I am so detached that it's like I'm viewing things from outside of myself, like they are not actually happening to me.

I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.


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