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#408417 - 08/30/12 03:15 PM Lost
dlh61 Offline

Registered: 07/26/12
Posts: 6
I am new here but have done some reading. My boyfriend is a survivor, which I have known for several months. His family was a horror show. He has recently begun therapy & stopping his drinking. That came about following exposure of his cheating on me, more than once.
I am so proud of him for beginning to address his pain and issues. I want to be with him through this as I love him and know he is a good man despite his acting out.
This week I forced his hand & set boundaries About contact with his ex- girlfriend. I feel guilty that I pushed him but needed to in order to maintain some semblance of sanity.
However I am struggling with enormous trust, hurt and betrayal issues.
He has also been with men in the past & I worry about that.
We need to communicate and be honest but I don't know (yet) how to be supportive while I am in pain myself. I feel consumed with conflicting emotions. If I told anyone outside this forum about what had happened they would think I was crazy to stay after it all. But I do believe in him. At the same time I fear that recovery and change could be impossible.

#408422 - 08/30/12 03:52 PM Re: Lost [Re: dlh61]
aksnowyowl Offline

Registered: 08/18/12
Posts: 47
As with everyone on here, there are always some similarities. I have just posted my own difficulties and I can say that this forum has been very helpful in the short time I've been using it.

I'm sorry there is this sort of pain in your life, but I am glad you found this forum. These forums in a matter of a 1 1/2 weeks have helped me adjust my approaches with my husband, helped me get perspective, and given me a sense of validation, since no one I know personally has related to my situation. In short, being here is very grounding and I've found the feedback to be reassuring and hopeful.

Keep posting if it helps, there's always someone out there who relates.

#408423 - 08/30/12 03:55 PM Re: Lost [Re: dlh61]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
There are many of us in your exact position, reeling from the pain of infidelity while feeling compassion for a person who was making decisions from a place of pain and hurt themselves.

My own advice is that you figure out what you want your life to look like, all aspects of it, and communicate these expectations to him. These are your boundaries. Sometimes what seems obvious to us is not obvious to them, so state them plainly, and with love.

#408445 - 08/30/12 05:57 PM Re: Lost [Re: dlh61]
scottyg Offline

Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 289
Loc: Seattle

Welcome to our little circus. It's a side-show in bizarro land where withdrawing means "I love you" and getting into therapy means going absolutely crazy. Yes, down is up, black is white and estrangement is the new intimacy. There's not a lot you can do so let me hit you with a few don'ts:

1. Don't feel guilty for having your boundaries and don't ever compromise them. They will keep you safe and keep you sane.

2. Don't have big expectations and timelines for recovery. The process has lots of ups and down with lots of roadblocks.

3. Don't take anything too personal. The withdrawing, the anger, the depression is the disease of dysfunction. You're in the cast but this play isn't about you.

4. Don't hesitate to get your own help. Living with a survivor in recovery is itself a traumatic experience. Take care of you.

5. Don't give up on the power of hope, of love or on the gift of acceptance. Survivors do not love or accept themselves. If there is someone in his life that sets the example of love and acceptance then eventually, it'll sink in


#408522 - 08/31/12 10:54 AM Re: Lost [Re: aksnowyowl]
dlh61 Offline

Registered: 07/26/12
Posts: 6
Thank you for responding. It does help to hear words of compassion and encouragement. I had felt very alone.

#408523 - 08/31/12 10:57 AM Re: Lost [Re: Esposa]
dlh61 Offline

Registered: 07/26/12
Posts: 6
It took me a few weeks from the discovery to be able to say what I needed, as I felt his pain overshadowed mine. I realize we both need to say what we need; it is more difficult for him to KNOW what he needs and to speak it, but we are both still trying
Thank you for answering. When I read all these responses I cried with relief and compassion for all who are here.

#408524 - 08/31/12 11:00 AM Re: Lost [Re: scottyg]
dlh61 Offline

Registered: 07/26/12
Posts: 6
Your post made me laugh, which I needed. As much as it is true, finding the funny in crazy-town is necessary. The last thing you wrote is the most important thing, and I will keep it at the front of my mind and heart.
Thank you.

5. Don't give up on the power of hope, of love or on the gift of acceptance. Survivors do not love or accept themselves. If there is someone in his life that sets the example of love and acceptance then eventually, it'll sink in

-SG [/quote]


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