It seems to me that it makes sense that you're nervous about moving to a new city with your husband. It sounds like he betrayed your trust. Or at least, when he came forward with his history of abuse, he shook your confidence. That's a frightening thing, and it leaves you with lingering questions. And it puts a burden on you. You're a source of constant support for him. Has he been the same for you? If you're able to have fun and just talk about whatever with your friend, that says to me that the emotional weight of time with your husband is exhausting to you. Or it has been, anyway.
I'd recommend talking to a therapist about this stuff, rather than having us all nickel-and-dime you about whether or not this was an emotional affair or a healthy outlet. I don't mean to belittle the contributions of my fellow survivors or spouses, but what can any of us do but bring forward out own points of view, our own points of reference?
It sounds to me like you've been wading through some deep emotional muck, and you've got some legitimate fears and concerns. And we survivors recognize that our histories of emotional trauma and the way we deal with them can sometimes have traumatic effects on those people around us who we know and love.
And yet, if we're going to overcome our traumas and rebuild our relationships, we have to do it full-heartedly, like we mean it. If you need opportunities to have lighthearted conversations and all that, then I think you should tell your husband that that's what you want. Set aside specific time to talk about trauma, but enjoy yourselves the rest of the time. Those terrible and traumatic events of his life have already dominated enough of his life. It's a good exercise for us, as survivors, I believe, to put that crap aside sometimes and just have fun. Otherwise, we can just wallow in the filthy memories, the lingering sense of guilt. Somehow, to me, that can actually and weirdly seem easier than moving on with my wife in our life together. But when I start to move on with her it's so nice.
Anyway, those are my thoughts. Good luck in the new place. I hope you find a good therapist and that you can afford it. Mental health care is expensive. That's why we need health care reform (I believe, but I apologize for getting political).
Keep healing. And keep seeking peace.
Edited by Robert1000 (08/30/12 03:54 PM)