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#408385 - 08/30/12 06:47 AM Re: I feel guilt. [Re: shortieg]
Blessedcurse Offline

Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 98
I just have to say I agree with Scottyg completely! I've had times of withdrawal and I would never expect a partner to just starve and wait for me. On the contrary, the partner getting emotional support elsewhere made him have more energy to wait for me, to love me though he got so little emotions back and to be there for me when I came back. And also it made it possible for him to be patient with me wich was crucial. Had he pressured me the relationship might not have lasted.

I just don't see the problem in this. If you hadn't gotten this support maybe you would have been drained and bitter by now and the reconection with your husband would have been destroyed by fighting and resentment. Now you are there, waiting for him, ready to move your emotional focus back to him.

#408410 - 08/30/12 02:24 PM Re: I feel guilt. [Re: shortieg]
shortieg Offline

Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 58
Blessedcurse- oh you have it spot on. Thinking about this last night I came to that same conclusion, this guy was my outlet to deal with not having my husband there. I can almost but bet I would not still be with my husband if I hadn't found an outlet.

I think my husband knows that too, he has told me over and over again he is grateful I had a shoulder to lean on while he was "absent" and I am ready to move my focus to him.

#408457 - 08/30/12 07:52 PM Re: I feel guilt. [Re: shortieg]
Robert1000 Offline

Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 453
Hi shortieg,

It seems to me that it makes sense that you're nervous about moving to a new city with your husband. It sounds like he betrayed your trust. Or at least, when he came forward with his history of abuse, he shook your confidence. That's a frightening thing, and it leaves you with lingering questions. And it puts a burden on you. You're a source of constant support for him. Has he been the same for you? If you're able to have fun and just talk about whatever with your friend, that says to me that the emotional weight of time with your husband is exhausting to you. Or it has been, anyway.

I'd recommend talking to a therapist about this stuff, rather than having us all nickel-and-dime you about whether or not this was an emotional affair or a healthy outlet. I don't mean to belittle the contributions of my fellow survivors or spouses, but what can any of us do but bring forward out own points of view, our own points of reference?

It sounds to me like you've been wading through some deep emotional muck, and you've got some legitimate fears and concerns. And we survivors recognize that our histories of emotional trauma and the way we deal with them can sometimes have traumatic effects on those people around us who we know and love.

And yet, if we're going to overcome our traumas and rebuild our relationships, we have to do it full-heartedly, like we mean it. If you need opportunities to have lighthearted conversations and all that, then I think you should tell your husband that that's what you want. Set aside specific time to talk about trauma, but enjoy yourselves the rest of the time. Those terrible and traumatic events of his life have already dominated enough of his life. It's a good exercise for us, as survivors, I believe, to put that crap aside sometimes and just have fun. Otherwise, we can just wallow in the filthy memories, the lingering sense of guilt. Somehow, to me, that can actually and weirdly seem easier than moving on with my wife in our life together. But when I start to move on with her it's so nice.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. Good luck in the new place. I hope you find a good therapist and that you can afford it. Mental health care is expensive. That's why we need health care reform (I believe, but I apologize for getting political).

Keep healing. And keep seeking peace.


Edited by Robert1000 (08/30/12 07:54 PM)

#408458 - 08/30/12 07:59 PM Re: I feel guilt. [Re: shortieg]
shortieg Offline

Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 58
Well thanks you guys, I just told my friend that I was moving. He was pretty much devastated. Crap! Did we really have such a good friendship? He is like mad, and sad, and ugh... I feel terrible now. More than anything he has been like my brother, i feel like im losing a brother. Im scared to put all my emotions back into my husbands court, fear of getting hurt again.

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