Newb - Just Signed Up.
Some things to Know about Me
+ Survivor in my Mid 40s
+ I have been diagnosed w/ Complex PTSD and …
+ Dissociative Identity Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified (DD-NOS)
+ … this means I have multiple personality characteristics, but not as strong as if I had full-on DID.
+ Here is a site w/ information about DID: [ http://www.sidran.org/
+ I have a therapist who is experienced in Trauma and Dissociation and who is supervised by a PhD level psychologist who is a published expert in the specifics of sexual abuse by priests.
+ I have a blog: [ http://swimthrudetrauma.blogspot.com/
] that journals some of my ‘stuff’.
+ What follows is a journal entry which I wanted to put here to get the feedback from other males who are survivors and how might have similar issues and some advice and encouragement.
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My Bisexual part (which I cal Jesse) made his appearance in therapy just today. And along w/ being shocked at co-consciously witnessing how my speech and my whole countenance changed so obviously, his perspective was actually quite sad. I expected to be hearing of his wild hedonistic fantasies, instead that Bisexual part of me discussed how it had to take on the fascinating and immensely physically pleasurable aspects of the experiences (bc if abusers are as skilled at grooming as this one was) w/ the priest ... it didn't hurt and it wasn't scary (not at first anyway). And that was way too much for a 6 year old boy to comprehend for one little psyche, which is how that sensory-sexual-body-pleasure part of the experiences were split off. So the Bisexual part of me which was suppressed and shunned by my closed-minded and hyper-religious family and for years shunned even by me ... that part was after all just doing his best to cope w/ the only way he knew how .. by giving sexual pleasure in a sensual but emotionally detached way under stressful and secretive circumstances, to avoid pain and fear.
In the present tense in my 2nd marriage, I am head-over-heels in Love and am faithful w/ my wife, who looks as good to me naked now, as she did the first time I undressed her. We have been together for 6 yrs now and we know each others' bodies; we have a relaxed, and sometimes giggly sexuality together. But I edit my play w/ her bc I fear if I don't keep a tight lid on that Bisexual / Highly-Sensual part of me, it will upset my wife ... long story short, I make a mental note to not be "too much" during our intimate times, or else Wifey will know just how far my imagination can run in the bedroom. And she doesn't send signals that she can handle that much sexual energy & exploration from me, for now. Also other parts of me value the cuddling and intimacy so much more than the passionate pleasures and they're just fine w/ sex as attachment, instead of sex as adventure. And on the opposite end of my inner world, at other times if Wifey is herself presenting w/ the abundance of sexual energy, then my lesser mature parts will either ruminate on performance pressures which I put on myself, or I will shut down completely ... that reminds me I can vividly recall at least 4 or 5 times when women (before I met my wife) "jumped my bones" and I froze like a deer-in-the-headlights, almost catatonic, only to internally berate myself for months afterwards.
Wifey knows of my past bc I wanted to be honest w/ her before we even got married. And when my Bisexual part came out in therapy today he spoke of his hurt that Wifey will scold me if I act too animated and 'gay' in how I talk or even my posture ... This is particularly hurtful after Wifey has been told numerous times how I got my ass kicked daily all through middle school and high school for being 'gay' when in fact I was much, much more attracted to the girls around me .. but that comes out of wifey's own fears that she will be abandoned, even though I have stuck by her side through a series of life's ups & downs which would have scared off any number of lesser men.
After therapy today my Bisexual part was talking w/ me and he reminded me that "I was there too" when 'we' got married, and that my Zen part and the rest of me held discussions w/ my Bisexual part, which I was vaguely conscious of leading up to my wedding. Point being .. My Bisexual part participated in the decision and made his own choice to marry my wife .. not bc he was just going along ... but bc my Bisexual part knew this woman was my best shot at unconditional Love. And that the healing example of Love forged in a marriage is something way more valuable to our evolution and healing than all the casual encounters I could have as a swinging Bisexual unable to commit to another, or commit to myself. One of my 'safe place' memories is of me sitting in the hot tub of our cabin watching the sun set after our marriage ceremony, knowing that I had made a good choice for myself.
But now that the subject of the sexual part of my sexual abuse trauma is being discussed in my therapy sessions … I find myself to be more drawn to want to have sex w/ my beautiful wife, but also I have ‘tingly-body-feelings’ down there, and seem to be questioning what to do w/ this emerging mess of thoughts and feelings.
* So how do I accept that I am indeed at times drawn by my Bisexual part to the LGBT community and towards liaisons w/ men ...
* While also acknowledging that other parts of me find such behavior to be uninteresting and icky (not that I judge myself as sinful but rather these attractions are considered 'alien' to the other parts of me)?
* How do I acknowledge the role and the 'sacrifices' my Bisexual part has made in taking on the sensual and pleasurable components of my abuse?
* How do I reconcile w/ my system and my Bisexual part when my Bisexual part is shunned and feared for re-experiencing those very body feelings and memory fragments (he didn't exactly ask for)?
* How do I acknowledge my Bisexual part in a manner that does not involve real-life sexuality, when that Bisexual part thinks that giving detatched pleasure is all he is good for, and yet he frets and over-tries to be 'good enough', even at that?
* Does my Bisexual part have some role to play in understanding and healing my current unhealthy stance towards men?
* As I write this ... I loathe men. My Bisexual part seems more interested in pleasing organs than developing relationships bc I believe Men are violent and they tend to take things which they have no right to ... and I have zero male friends in my life who I share any relevant conversation about myself with
* Is my Bisexual part seeking to re-create a “trauma-bond” to re-enact the abuse but w/ a different outcome or perhaps to grieve the "broken little boy heart", when I realized I was not 'special' to the priest, but was just being used?
* How do I maintain the role of stepDad, bc I fear that my Bisexual part if 'outted' could pose a severe disruption for my 15y stepDaughter (bc/o Wifey's estimated reaction)? stepDaughter has had to endure too much already from the unstable adults in her life (she considers me a stable and ‘square’ grownup compared to her bio-dad and other extended family).
* How is it that my Wifey and I can have the discussion w/ my teenaged stepDaughter that no matter how she discovers her sexual orientation to be, Wifey and I will be accepting of her and yet my Bisexual part is scorned and feared?
* How come women who are bisexual are often celebrated and supported, but bisexual men are deemed intolerable?
* Why of all things to be couldn't my parts have settled completely onto one team or the other?
That Bisexual part of me may never really go away completely. I am working through w/ my therapist on accepting that. After all, I "lost my virginity" at the innocent age of six to a priest, at a time when my mind and body were not mature enough to process so much sensory and even emotional input. But I also know that bisexuality is on a continuum and that at the end of the day, I am as I always have been, much more drawn towards women, and especially my wife and the LOVE we have built together.
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moments ago, in the shower, Little-J was in a near panic and almost crying, speaking out loud "please don't take my family away from me, I don't want another family, I don't want to be gay. I want this family. I want to be w/ Wifey and see stepDaughter grow up, I don't want to miss the doggies. Its not fair. Wifey understands me, she is 'little' too sometimes. I don't want to miss her smiles and her hugs. I am trying SO HARD to be good, I am trying SO HARD to get over this stuff. I didn't like gagging on it! I didn't like him pushing my head down on it! It hurt down there! It isn't fair !! [And then in a firm voice, unusual for Little-J] YOU WILL NOT TAKE THIS FAMILY AWAY FROM ME. YOU WILL NOT TAKE THIS FAMILY AWAY FROM ME ... addressed to Jesse, to the Priest, and to anyone else whom Little-J could even remotely consider a threat to the happiness and bondedness (which admittedly has its unhealthy patterns) which took so long to show up in Little-J's life. it is where Little-J most feels 'at home'.
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Zen was as most always, observing my dissociative system w/ Love in his eyes and reassured Little-J that once things w/ Wifey & her Dad (who is losing his battle w/ cancer), settle down, and as we continue to let Jesse talk, this issue will subside .. as it has many times before. But that we all might need to talk more about the sex part of sexual abuse and it may get more scary before it gets better, for longer.
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So that is the end of my journal entry. Before I met my wife, I spent a few months trying the gay scene, I went to local LGBT community center, went to gay-accepting churches, coffee-houses, lectures, danced to techno music at gay clubs and I even had a few dinner dates, but I just couldn't "close-the-deal" and except for an instance or so of oral ... I realized I kept looking at the pretty women and ignoring what a gay-person was conversing about, over and over. So I just assumed that was the end of it.