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#408176 - 08/28/12 06:24 AM Question about fantasies - please answer honestly
confusion4life Offline

Registered: 02/12/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Italy
hi guys/ friends,

my husband had male and female perpetrators. he says he only has/ had fantasy about females/ girls/ teenagers. is that anyhow possible? why would he only have fantasy about female people when there were also men who abused him? does his statement make sense. please help me with your own experiences if you had male and female perpetrators.

thank you all
everything is always okay in the end, if it's not, then it's not the end

#408179 - 08/28/12 06:39 AM Re: Question about fantasies - please answer honestly [Re: confusion4life]
confusion4life Offline

Registered: 02/12/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Italy
can anyone please answer this honestly. i am scared of what my husband could really be because i still have a 5 year old son. i want him safe.
everything is always okay in the end, if it's not, then it's not the end

#408188 - 08/28/12 07:55 AM Re: Question about fantasies - please answer honestly [Re: confusion4life]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4284
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
i can only speak for myself.
all the perps in my life were male.
BUT - i would NEVER harm, abuse or inappropriately touch a child or teen or anyone - even adult - of EITHER sex.
i know far too well the harm it does.
it is possible that he is telling the truth.
one of the most hurtful myths is the "vampire" theory - that you will inevitably perpetuate the abuse that you experienced.
but - people are different and react in various ways.
sometimes it happens.
but not always. not even the majority of times.

How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#408192 - 08/28/12 11:38 AM Re: Question about fantasies - please answer honestly [Re: confusion4life]
Valkyrie Offline

Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Fantasies do not have to be completely wrapped up in the abuse. The fact you H fantasizes about women and not about men doesn't necessarily mean anything.

I think you would need to present more details in order to receive more structured advice.

#408199 - 08/28/12 02:03 PM Re: Question about fantasies - please answer honestly [Re: confusion4life]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hello Ela

I had both and yet I am a normal man that wants only to sleep with woman, preferably two (sorry this is the number one fantasy amongst men) I don't think I could do anything with two anyway woman anyway. Hehehehe.

Truth is that whilst I was being abused, it was acceptable for a woman to be with a men or boy, but I knew that it was not normal for me to be with other men, it didn't feel right.
I actually hate other men, I see all of them as potential abusers. I hate the look of their penises or them naked, so I would rather watch girl on girl porn, (when I was doing it)the sight of a naked man just put me off completely. I also used to be an extreme homophobe, thank heavens I don't feel that way any more.

So yes it is possible for men that have been abused by both, to not fantasize about men and only fantasize about woman.

The other thing that I would never do is hurt a child because I know what it did to me. This does not mean that it cant happen, but it is just what I feel. Please always protect your child, over caution is better than none at all

Hope this helps
Heal well
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#408203 - 08/28/12 03:12 PM Re: Question about fantasies - please answer honestly [Re: confusion4life]
scottyg Offline

Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 289
Loc: Seattle

More like confused for now. Listen to Valk & Lee & Martin & Scottyg. We will remedy your confusion so you will merely have a conundrm.

There are some ugly myths floating around. One is abuse victims become abusers themselves. This is a rare twist, not a normal progression. There was a post about an Australian study on fathers who were themselves sexually abused that is very informative and linked here. I encourage you to read the article.

Another myth is that homosexual experiences and/or contact turns you gay. Experience does not determine sexual orientation. If it did I would be the biggest, gayest contributer around. My first sexual experience was at the hands of a man. Many of my adult role models and family friends were gay men. I lived in a town that had a very large population of gays. Nonethless I am married to a woman and we have a daughter and I have no fantasies about men or children.

The discrete circumstances are not as important as our shared experience of pain from abuse. I would encourage you to focus on the issues of today rather than dwell on the abuse he suffered in the past. Fatherhood can be very taxing on a survivor's identity and it can also be very healing for that survivor. Vigilance is important... within families... extended families... neighborhoods... you name it. But along with vigilance we need support, encouragement and acceptance so we can grow into healthy people.


#408211 - 08/28/12 04:39 PM Re: Question about fantasies - please answer honestly [Re: confusion4life]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2711
Loc: durham, north england
I find it quite worrying that you assume automatically that because your husband had experiences of abuse at the hands of a man he would potentially be an abuser, and that when he claimes not to have any fantasies about men or boys you don't seem to believe him.

Switch the gender rolls around and imagine your husband was a woman who'd been abused by another woman, would you still think the same?

I suggest you read the links scottyg provides and the front of the site, and considder things very carefully, particularly when it comes to these sexist, disgusting and hatefull beliefs about male victims of abuse, ---- indeed it's often these beliefs that make admitting to what happened so dam difficult.

#408224 - 08/28/12 06:20 PM Re: Question about fantasies - please answer honestly [Re: confusion4life]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3863
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi Ela,
It seems like there is no any logic in finding preferences and sexual attractions in humans. I wrote this in other thread based on article that I've read about similarities in all mammals in this area:
"It seems that there are some facts that are showing us that some our preferences are resulting from very complex interactions of our genes and social environment resulting in specific sexual preferences."
Certainly it is possible that your husband has fantasies about women/girls only.
But anyway person who has record of child abuse should never be left alone with children, risk is to high and there is no expert who would make me think differently..... Please never left any of your kids unprotected in his company...
Just my 2 cents...
My story

#408258 - 08/29/12 02:13 AM Re: Question about fantasies - please answer honestly [Re: confusion4life]
Haps Offline

Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
Well, at the risk of complicating things here, the token gay guy on these forums will add a wee bit here... :-D

My survivor is gay. His abuser was a man. His abuse did not make him gay. VERY confirmed. It also did not make him molest his son. Trust me, his sons mom is very smothering and strong willed. She wud know and it would have never flown. (Long story, but my P sobbered up long enuf and worked out his sexual orientation rather than the abuse stuff. Hus sons mom is a lesbian for what it's worth.)

Breathe, relax, and listen to the smart people on these forums who KNOW it because they lived it. Media sucks. wink

#409721 - 09/10/12 06:13 PM Re: Question about fantasies - please answer honestly [Re: confusion4life]
Robert1000 Offline

Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 453
I'd like the echo the words of Haps, and make the point that abuse and sex or sexual preference aren't the same thing.

First, take any idea of "normal" and throw it out the window. It's useless. Instead, focus on a goal, such as being a functioning and good person in a functional and positive relationship. You can have that gay, straight of whatever.

Second, I was abused as a kid first by a teenage boy (a sick psychopath) and then exposed to fucked up sexual situations by a friend's stepdad and then, honestly, by myself. I'm only attracted to women. Honestly, I had sex with a guy once or twice, mostly because I would have fucked a pumpkin if the opportunity arose. When I'm aroused, I think of women. I don't think that's something a person has much control over. I know people who are gay who were not abused and others who were. I know men who were abused as kids who are married and otherwise "straight" but who I think have truly screwed up relationships with men, that is to say they meet up with random men for random sex. I don't care if you use the terms "gay" "straight" or "ruined" for those characters, but the truth is that the behavior is unhealthy, dangerous and sketchy for all concerned.

When my son started boy scouts, I told the scoutmaster that I didn't like scouts because of the exclusion of gay kids. He told me it's because some counselors abused the scouts. I told him that happens anyway, and it's not because the counselors are gay. It's because they're damn pedophiles. A pedophile is a pedophile, whatever their sexual "orientation."

I hope that makes sense. I also hope your husband is able to be honest about his desires. Of all the things that we survivors have to deal with, the least of them should be worrying about whether or not our innate sexuality is "OK." We've got other fish to fry, like handling our PTSD, insecurities and everything else.


Edited by Robert1000 (09/10/12 06:14 PM)

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