I'm sorry that are struggling with some temptations. Please try to calm yourself and ground yourself. Don't be hard on yourself, you are normal, many of us have some struggles and it is difficult battle sometimes.
I learn that I have to stay in reality at any cost, well easier to say than to do it. Trigger that catapult me in numbing and escaping from reality are always some very negative feelings like: helpless, rejection, loneliness, stress etc. Sometimes I can't handle those feelings and than I easily find escape fto world of gay porn.
Good thing is that I can feel when pressure is building inside me, so I "know" somehow when I'll go down.
I'm working now on ways to avoid it completely even I've been just partly successful. It is not easy but if we don't work hard it will not stop by itself
Maybe you could repost this to other part of broad, this is " introduction" part - reserved for welcoming new members and maybe you could get more responses if you post it for example in Male survivors part?
Here is hug for you (((Lee)))