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#407462 - 08/21/12 10:49 PM Re: Found out my husband has been molesting our son. [Re: argomav]
argomav Offline

Registered: 08/20/12
Posts: 8
Loc: saskatchewan, canada
I take no offence. In fact, being tested and challenged outside my spectrum of thought, is what I came here for as well.

I didn't mean to sound defensive... my intent was more to throw it out there... as you said. Clearly, my guard is up, and somewhere down the line I may read my words differently. Perhaps, it is I who may need to apologize. The irony is that I was a foster parent, and I have extensive training in dealing with this on many levels. I have worked in non-profit organizations that deal directly and indirectly with the aftermath of those who are facing trauma. Perhaps, my own pride is clouding my perception that I am in trouble... that I am in the very shoes, I've helped people get out of...

Many in my life share the same fears as you in terms of sitting down with my husband, talking, and helping him. It was a little too late, but he confessed on his own accord, it was a little too late, but he had remorse, it was a little too late but he did try getting help, it was a little too late but he released himself of his burdens, it was a little too late but he release my son, my girls, and me of all his burdens... It was a little too late... but he did stop the lie. It was a little too late, but none the less... he did. For that, I thank him... because he could have fooled me a little longer... and cause even more damage. It's a sickening sweet reality.

I leave you with these thoughts that I wrote in my journal a few weeks ago after my husbands confession of how I came to the place that I am in now. (editing the wording to avoid names)

After (his) confession, and I removed him from the house. I went to (my son's) room to find him shaking as if in a seizure, and bawling... I stood there silent. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 came to me... It hasn’t left me! It is so true, about seeing a life flash before your eyes. That moment, however long I stood there, felt like weeks... and what went through my head in that moment is more than I have been able to think of in the days, weeks afterwards.. I stood there watching my son and had no idea what I was too do... It was in this moment that I saw (my husband) at 9 years old in the same position, except he didn’t have anyone to protect him. I forgave (him) in this moment. My compassion for (my son) allowed me to be compassionate for (my husband). I asked (my son) for permission to crawl into bed with him, to hold him, and I spoke about love, I spoke of forgiveness... I spoke of innocence. I heard all my children crying throughout the house in their bedrooms... and I have never felt pain so raw. I never felt so much comfort either because this part was over. Im not one of these guys who is mystical, or necessarily religious... but I really can say, I felt like god was speaking to me.... that I am only beginning to understand. There is nothing left but tenderness, forgiveness, mercy, and understanding...

(My friend) and I went to the Rcmp with (my son), so that we could all go for interviews, and give statements the hours after(my husband) confessed, turned himself in. I think of the lobby, being no bigger than a 100 feet, walls covered by “black and white” posters after posters, no inch of wall space left about abuse, sexual abuse, and how trivial they all seemed in the light of it all. How unbearable that they knew why we were there and left us in this room for an hour, while I heard them laugh and drink coffee and shoot the shit, while people came and went. That my son, stared at me in fear of how weak I was, that he in this moment made comments of how he understood what has happened that (my friend) and I could barely conceive, while I sobbed in angry that they left us there facing poster after poster, that (my friend) couldn’t move other than to hang on to my child, and that I didn’t have the strength to hold it all in ... and that I could hear was (my husband) sobbing in the jail cell, and he could hear me in the lobby... and how cruel this world can be- how this was still a family- fractured and no one understood the complexity of this. Just the black and white of it all; a poster, a mark, a statement, a matter of fact.

#407482 - 08/22/12 01:38 AM Re: Found out my husband has been molesting our son. [Re: argomav]
Valkyrie Offline

Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
argomav, you truly are an incredible human being. What is left of my own heart during these times of trouble goes out to you.

#407545 - 08/22/12 02:57 PM Re: Found out my husband has been molesting our son. [Re: argomav]
Robert1000 Offline

Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 453
Good luck, Argomav. Keep doing your best to keep your kids safe. You're a good dad.

#407619 - 08/23/12 08:12 AM Re: Found out my husband has been molesting our son. [Re: argomav]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1

Few things in this world ever impress me...I mean VERY few things. Even fewer people impress me. You impress me greatly.

I'm very big on measuring and observing human strength and character. I know you've not been the least bit boastful here. You've recounted a story of horror, seeking help, understanding and compassion at least. I think you found all and more. But in your depictions and recounting, your character revealed quite clearly for me.

I am SO SO happy for your son, in that he has YOU!

I'm dizzy and sick with grief over what I've read here tonight, so I won't say much more for now, except that you ARE one of the very-very good guys. One of the few strong men, and you are the finest example of the rock I wish I had in my life back then and today.

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