Newest Members
Meyekell, Muyoso, kaa, bsm, davkli
13206 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
BeesHive (45), ggirl (32), silent bob (52)
Who's Online
3 registered (Rich1967, robwk1988, 1 invisible), 57 Guests and 6 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,206 Registered Members
75 Forums
68,419 Topics
476,088 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11 >
Topic Options
#407516 - 08/22/12 05:42 AM Hugs versus porn
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
It has been going around in my head, the impulsive reaction to porn. As a sexual abuse recovery victor, I still struggle with the occasional urge to view porn, like quitting smoking and getting a whiff of a cigarette, or seeing someone take a drag, phew, that can be powerful.

In the abuse, we may have connected love with sometimes family, dominance, oppression and security in extreme, improper, criminally sexual activity. An incredibly insightful survivor posted that it is because we seek, we long for, we suffer to be accepted in love. Love from our parents, siblings, friends, important people and from ourselves, especially ourselves. It is important to me not only to no longer view pornography, but to establish a connection to the love and care that I was supposed to understand and internalize when instead I was taught this destructive trait.

So how do I personify this search in my life? By connecting with the images and actions of those who are able to openly exhibit this trait, that of love and acceptance. Nothing sexual. Just a sense of joy in the connecting, familiar, fraternal, yet more, a desire to be touched, to be embraced, to be held.
********************************************************* Go GET a Hug *********************************************************
Interesting that phrase, isn't it? We think we are giving a hug, supporting, giving away some of ourselves but the reality is, we are on the receiving end as well. Go GET a Hug.

http://zanegrava.wordpress.com/2011/03/03/

It is a start. I would challenge anyone here, first of all myself, that when I am online and a pop up flashes across my screen for porn, dating sites, whatever trigger that would previously send me searching for that betrayal, to shut the cover of the laptop or turn off the monitor, immediately get up and go get a hug. Go GET a Hug.

This is what I truly want. A hug, an embrace. I am wanted, I am cared for, someone who is kind to me, overlooks my faults and genuinely wants me to feel accepted.

Hugs>porn till there in no more POrn

Join me in a hug?

Sam (((Who's first?)))
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#407517 - 08/22/12 07:04 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
peroperic2009 Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3786
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Sam, what a brilliant idea smile.
I've already read somewhere here, you wrote about being emphatic and giving gentile hug to self when felt down, numbing, watching porn...
I tried couple of times and wasn't successful completely. I admit that have problems with porn also, especially when I'm anxious or scared or felt lonely or desperate and so on...
It seems somehow that negative image of myself is stronger comparing to my emphatic feelings. At least that is current situation.
But sharing positive feelings and love with others is completely different thing. It is very powerful experience, it grounds and lifts me at same time!
So here is my hug for you dear Sam. You were very honest and brave enough to show us your sensitive and true side, who could resist to give you hug? smile
((((Sam))))

I hope more people will join us in hug ((((Who is next?)))) smile
_________________________
My story

Top
#407519 - 08/22/12 07:35 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Thanks guys I too have come here seeking refuge for the porn viper. I know when I am feeling week that all I need to do is go to chat or the boards and I can be strong again. Working together maybe all of us who have been bitten can finally slay this dragon. ((((Sam)))) ((((pero)))) Mike

Top
#407522 - 08/22/12 07:49 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: peroperic2009]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
(((Pero))) Thank you for sharing and being brave to reach out!
I tried couple of times and wasn't successful completely.You are successful this time! Whether you had the urge or not, you demanded to reach out for fraternity, not porn, well done! I admit that have problems with porn also, especially when I'm anxious or scared or felt lonely or desperate and so on...In this hug, and feel free to come back for another, you are safe, you are calm, you are with me, a fellow survivor, in this large MaleSurvivor support group.
It seems somehow that negative image of myself is stronger comparing to my emphatic feelings. I do not see you that way Pero, you are sensitive, compassionate, supportive and you are strong.
But sharing positive feelings and love with others is completely different thing. It is very powerful experience, it grounds and lifts me at same time!It feels great, doesn't it!?!!
So here is my hug for you dear Sam. You were very honest and brave enough to show us your sensitive and true side, who could resist to give you hug? Not me, hee hee!
((((Sam))))
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#407524 - 08/22/12 07:58 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: mike13]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Thanks guys I too have come here seeking refuge for the porn viper. Refuge; a wonderful word, a great picture, thanks Mike. That snake does not get in here. I know when I am feeling week that all I need to do is go to chat or the boards and I can be strong again.That "weakness" is us actually needing to be "hugged", loved and accepted, safe from the hurt and rejection. It is not weak, but affirming our desire to connect in a positive way to ourselves and others. Working together maybe all of us who have been bitten can finally slay this dragon.We are individually and collectively more than porn. We refuse to keep being bitten, and in this, we heal. Healing is so much better. We will slay the viper dragon till it is no more than a contentious worm. I love the imagery here Mike, wow! ((((Sam)))) ((((pero)))) Mike
(((Mike)))
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#407534 - 08/22/12 09:16 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3097
I have learned the part of me that sought to recreate the abuse felt special and loved by my perp. As we heal, the thoughts of recreating the abuse are gone--I found it repulsive and the child is beginning to accept we were just used by the perp. But it is the child that has been slow to accept. But it is feeling wonderful to be escaping his clutches.

Top
#407573 - 08/22/12 04:45 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Sam,

I'd gladly trade porn for just a hug. Sadly I have noone in my life to hug me right now.
_________________________
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

Top
#407577 - 08/22/12 06:28 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
peroperic2009 Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3786
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Garydosh but we are here to give hugs to each other, don't be sad.
So here is my warmest hug for you (((Garydosh)))
and for others too (((Mike))) (((Kevin))) and (((Sam))))
Pero
_________________________
My story

Top
#407592 - 08/22/12 09:33 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: KMCINVA]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
I have learned the part of me that sought to recreate the abuse felt special and loved by my perp. As we heal, the thoughts of recreating the abuse are gone--I found it repulsive and the child is beginning to accept we were just used by the perp.Ours, yours and mine reactions were innocent, childish and naive. You deserve the joy and affection of healthy, loving acceptance Kevin. But it is the child that has been slow to accept. Let's continue to help that fellow survivor, the child is the same, he needs what he needs, rooms full of toys, friends, cake and a strong male roll that encourages bonding. You are that male, I know it! But it is feeling wonderful to be escaping his clutches. Yes it is wonderful, amazing, liberating. We get our "wings" back. I will be silly with you, we will hold hands and race to the water fall, and jump into the water below. We will emerge, lungs gasping for air, turn and yell ferociously at that plunge. You and I, we together with our survivors here, we will all play, hug and rush till we are satisfied.

Thank you for sharing (((Kevin)))
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#407595 - 08/22/12 09:39 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: Jude]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
I'd gladly trade porn for just a hug. Your chance is coming... ready!?!! smile Sadly I have noone in my life to hug me right now. How about a deal? Porn is not real, but comes from the Internet mostly right? So you have no porn in your life either. My fellow survivor, you have much to look forward to, I envy you. You are beginning a journey of healing that has many rewards for the journey, and many, many more for the future. *Sasuva motions forward with his hand*. Come on, you come with us, we are one!!!

Thank you for sharing (((Gary)))
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#407596 - 08/22/12 09:41 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Hahaha Pero, yeah that's the spirit! I am gonna Get that "Hug Fever" boys, catch it while it lasts!
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#407904 - 08/25/12 05:18 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
GoHomeAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/10
Posts: 121
Loc: Pennsylvania
What a great topic, Sam.

(((Sam)))
(((Garydosh)))
(((Mike)))
(((Kevin)))
(((Pero)))

You all deserve hugs. I'm going right now to get one myself.

Paul
_________________________
Humble Alumnus of WoR Dahlonega 2011.

Top
#407929 - 08/25/12 10:55 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
Gmone Offline


Registered: 03/14/12
Posts: 23
Loc: NC
Great topic, guys. Oh, how I wish that ((( ))) would suffice! As it is, I find myself still going off in fantasy-land and zoning out on porn.

I know it's compartmentalizing, but I still want to crawl up in that lap and be comforted, accepted, wanted, loved, reassured, validated, etc., etc., etc. And I'm willing to perform or gratify to recieve it!

Go ahead, let me have it. I know but, I want to feel I belong somewhere (Oh, please let me feel I belong!) and therapy just isn't helping.
_________________________
Working hard towards change. There...my first positive, personal affirmation in 52 years!

Top
#407936 - 08/26/12 12:01 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 304
Loc: Canada
Gmone,

Where do I belong? I have asked myself that question so many times. I have searched in relationships, drugs, alcohol, pornogrpahy and sex. I haven't found the answer in these places. So I have chosen the unknown. The life beyond the shit coping mechanisms. There is emotion there, the stuff that has been kept at bay while we, as children, needed to survive. But today, we need to learn all of these feelings anew.

We are here for you, I am here for you. I know that hunger pain you feel, the one that begs for affection, the one that wants to be loved and cared for. But we don't have to perform to receive that love. We love you just as you are, without any exceptions. I know it's difficult to feel it, but trust that one day you will feel it and you will know that you are worthy of unconditional love.

Sam, great thread. I don't want porn in my life. I choose recovery and healing. Much love my brothers. (((Hugs for everyone)))).
_________________________
I am the warrior.

Top
#407956 - 08/26/12 04:11 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Lets be clear that addiction to porn means spending hours on it. Normal guys can view for 10-15 minutes, relieve themselves and go to sleep. NOT US! It becomes a compulsion. We can all agree that addiction to porn is a negative in our lives. (If hugs work for you, GREAT). But lets not beat ourselves up over it. We are too hard on ourselves. I think that as we focus on healing,this will fall into line.
_________________________
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

Top
#407958 - 08/26/12 04:43 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
peroperic2009 Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3786
Loc: South-East Europe
ha ha Garydosh, you made me smile with your comments about porn and hugs smile
We are trying to be honest and supportive in all this, I'll be rather hugged than challenged (and later fallen) to some personal demons smile
I think that we are not talking about porn in some puritan way, off course that it doesn't have to be so wrong to watch it.
But when I'm talking about myself and porn I'm talking about spending hours in browsing trough different pages with just one goal: to find some raw and fragile feelings of people involved into some sex act. There is no need for some specific scenario but rather to see completely lost people to pleasures, it has to be as real as possible.
It is not healthy and it reminds me of my abuse - it is quick escape from reality into fantasy world. And to add even I consider myself as hetero when I'm down I'll easily switch to male movies and it is shameful how I'm able to navigate trough tons of it in my search...
So here is my hug to all of you courageous brothers survivors who are battling everyday with challenges and some personal demons smile :
(((Sam))))
(((Mike)))
(((Kevin)))
(((Garydosh)))
(((Paul)))
(((Gmone)))
(((Letourski)))
and I'll give one to myself too
(((Igor-aka Pero))) smile
Who is next smile?
((( ...... )))
_________________________
My story

Top
#407963 - 08/26/12 06:54 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
theIrregular Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 52
Loc: Canada
Hey Sam,
'Go get a hug' is a great idea.

Originally Posted By: sasuva
someone who is kind to me, overlooks my faults and genuinely wants me to feel accepted.

I constantly seek out acceptance. But since I my addiction to porn is secretive, most of the judgement comes from within. So, in truth, what I struggle with is self-acceptance. I'm going to start giving myself hugs every time I feel the urge.

"Relying on will power is similar to trying to dodge bullets all day long. Eventually one will hit you and derail your plans. It is only a matter of time. However, once you change your focus and find a new path to put all of your energy into, impressive change is possible." --- Mike Mahler in his book Live Life Aggressively.

I've tried to quit many times before. But I guess what I need to do is replace one compulsion with another.
Plan of action for the next time I have an urge:
1. Distance myself -> Leave the computer desk and/or room (as you suggest)
2. Give myself a hug.
3. Explore the lines on my palms. (I know it's not as productive as running or exercise, but I find it keeps me occupied until until the urge returns at a future time)

I think I will need a more complex ritual than this. But, it's a start.

Hugs all around ((()))
_________________________
theIrregular

Top
#407971 - 08/26/12 08:43 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: GoHomeAgain]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Originally Posted By: GoHomeAgain
What a great topic, Sam.
It has been the source of much relief, support and joy to me, thanks!
(((Sam)))
(((Garydosh)))
(((Mike)))
(((Kevin)))
(((Pero)))
I remember the scene in "Marry Poppins" where the "chimney sweeps" were leaving the house and shook the hand of the home owner. It was considered very lucky. The children were amazed, lol, and so am I. All those hugs, Paul, you must be very lucky, because you sure made me feel wonderful!
You all deserve hugs. I'm going right now to get one myself.Hooray Paul! Know that in each hug in the real world, we are celebrating with you in getting what we truly need for ourselves!

Paul
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#407973 - 08/26/12 08:56 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: Gmone]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Great topic, guys. Oh, how I wish that ((( ))) would suffice! As it is, I find myself still going off in fantasy-land and zoning out on porn.The purpose of Go Get A Hug is to initially realize what a survivor needs, love, acceptance, belonging in his life, then as those healthy positive feelings begin to create those longings, he searched for and really finds those instead of porn. This is about celebrating a breakthrough, seeking what we deeply desire, that of community and support. You are so worthy of this, Gmone, and you have reached out to us, which has made us stronger. Thank you!

I know it's compartmentalizing, but I still want to crawl up in that lap and be comforted, accepted, wanted, loved, reassured, validated, etc., etc., etc. And I'm willing to perform or gratify to recieve it! You know, you really know what you long for G. It was not you who hurt you by taking something that could have been so affirming and went too far. It was someone else, and you can heal from that. We would do ANYTHING for that reception, but now we have a way to melt into the healing of joyful union without the destruction and shame porn brings.

Go ahead, let me have it.Like a freight train Gmone, here it comes. I know but, I want to feel I belong somewhere Choo- Choo!(Oh, please let me feel I belong!)((( (Gmone) ))) and therapy just isn't helping.

Those who want hugs and acceptance the most, find the greatest joy in such safe, affirming action. Know that I smile as I write this to you, dear Gmone, and there is a little tear, respect and admiration for your reaching out. Well done.
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#407974 - 08/26/12 09:05 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: Letourski]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Gmone,

Where do I belong? I have asked myself that question so many times. I have searched in relationships, drugs, alcohol, pornogrpahy and sex. I haven't found the answer in these places. So I have chosen the unknown. The life beyond the shit coping mechanisms. There is emotion there, the stuff that has been kept at bay while we, as children, needed to survive. But today, we need to learn all of these feelings anew.

We are here for you, I am here for you. I know that hunger pain you feel, the one that begs for affection, the one that wants to be loved and cared for. But we don't have to perform to receive that love. We love you just as you are, without any exceptions. I know it's difficult to feel it, but trust that one day you will feel it and you will know that you are worthy of unconditional love.Well said, we were OWED love, safety and protection, now we find it is what has been manipulated to gratify. We are loved just as we are. Love may be give and take, but this, this porn, this abuse, is not love, not by a long shot. It is nothing. Hugs, friendship, love, relationships, those are the stuff that fills our hearts. This is what we seek, for ourselves, this "give and take" strengthens us.

Sam, great thread. I don't want porn in my life. I choose recovery and healing. Much love my brothers. (((Hugs for everyone)))). (((Letourski))) WooHoo Such a powerful post and a wonderful entry for our Hug-a-thon. Much respect and admiration for your advocacy, fellow survivor. Thank you!
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#407975 - 08/26/12 09:18 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: Jude]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Originally Posted By: Garydosh
Lets be clear that addiction to porn means spending hours on it. Normal guys can view for 10-15 minutes, relieve themselves and go to sleep. NOT US! It becomes a compulsion. We can all agree that addiction to porn is a negative in our lives. (If hugs work for you, GREAT). But lets not beat ourselves up over it. We are too hard on ourselves. I think that as we focus on healing,this will fall into line.
Healing ourselves is about changing our focus Gary yes, that is the logical process. The issue of emotional healing stems from the perversion of trust, loyalty, safety, boundaries and love as it has been presented in our lives. We need new thoughts to create new feelings to complete the new behavior to heal, to move away from the hurt and pain caused by perpetration. By understanding the end result of this process, the support and comfort of a hug, of reception of such intimacy, knowing that we DESERVE this, that the "offerer" of the hug respects and admires our determination to understand in a healthy way, to feel better about ourselves and to the RECEIVE the Hug, we can work our way towards this Grail. this is not the end of a process, but a continuing, a reinforcing, and it has much value.

Truly, we cannot "beat ourselves" over this control, we ARE too hard on ourselves, yes, thank you. The ability to hug, to feel intimacy and connection in this, that is what we seek. (((Gary))) thank you for this affirmation.
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#407976 - 08/26/12 09:29 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: peroperic2009]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Originally Posted By: peroperic2009
ha ha Garydosh, you made me smile with your comments about porn and hugs smile
We are trying to be honest and supportive in all this, I'll be rather hugged than challenged (and later fallen) to some personal demons smile
I think that we are not talking about porn in some puritan way, off course that it doesn't have to be so wrong to watch it.
But when I'm talking about myself and porn I'm talking about spending hours in browsing trough different pages with just one goal: to find some raw and fragile feelings of people involved into some sex act. There is no need for some specific scenario but rather to see completely lost people to pleasures, it has to be as real as possible.I remember this Igor, when my urge to gratify turned from the painted divas and impossible dimensions to the more realistic. Then I started to search for healthy interactions, dad playing with sons in the park, woman cooking with children and finally, the overwhelming, "impossible to resist" urge for porn was not there. That was a very good day. I can now reason with the urge, and be successful.
It is not healthy and it reminds me of my abuse - it is quick escape from reality into fantasy world. And to add even I consider myself as hetero when I'm down I'll easily switch to male movies and it is shameful how I'm able to navigate trough tons of it in my search...[Keep seeking the relief recovery brings, dear Pero! It is approaching, and there is a hurrying of it! smile
So here is my hug to all of you courageous brothers survivors who are battling everyday with challenges and some personal demons smile :
(((Sam))))
(((Mike)))
(((Kevin)))
(((Garydosh)))
(((Paul)))
(((Gmone)))
(((Letourski)))
and I'll give one to myself too
(((Igor-aka Pero))) smile(((Igor))) Well done, that is the next level, isn't it, being able to hug ourselves. I celebrate this with you fellow survivor!
Who is next smile?
((( ...... )))
We welcome new ones AND those from our growing group to reach out, to ask and keep asking for hugs over porn.
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#407978 - 08/26/12 09:41 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: theIrregular]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
"theIrregular" Hey Sam,
'Go get a hug' is a great idea. Thank you, it has been warmly received and greatly supported!

Originally Posted By: sasuva
someone who is kind to me, overlooks my faults and genuinely wants me to feel accepted.

I constantly seek out acceptance. But since I my addiction to porn is secretive, most of the judgement comes from within. So, in truth, what I struggle with is self-acceptance. I'm going to start giving myself hugs every time I feel the urge.I celebrate this victory, this breakthrough with you, tI! You are reaching out for the true relationship within, accepting yourself, holding fast to a commitment to respect and honor you. That journey needs to be done inside and out, and you are doing it! Remember to reach out, to accept hugs from those who admire the work you are doing. RESPECT tI, peace and comfort to you, and thank you for joining us in this global hug over porn!!

"Relying on will power is similar to trying to dodge bullets all day long. Eventually one will hit you and derail your plans. It is only a matter of time. However, once you change your focus and find a new path to put all of your energy into, impressive change is possible." --- Mike Mahler in his book Live Life Aggressively.Wise words. I see this in MaleSurvivor, this "impressive change". Thank you for bringing this to aggrandize the bits in this process.

I've tried to quit many times before. But I guess what I need to do is replace one compulsion with another.
Plan of action for the next time I have an urge:
1. Distance myself -> Leave the computer desk and/or room (as you suggest)
2. Give myself a hug.
3. Explore the lines on my palms. (I know it's not as productive as running or exercise, but I find it keeps me occupied until until the urge returns at a future time)A plan of action, YES! Distance, hug, distraction, a trifecta! May I add, look at yourself in the mirror when you are hugging you. Smile. It may be something you need to work up to, but it is so affirming to see us.., accept us! Let me know how it goes, ok?

I think I will need a more complex ritual than this. But, it's a start.

Hugs all around Likewise (((theIrregular))) a strong, accepting hug for you fellow survivor. It is time to reach out for healthy affirming joyful contact in brotherhood, and within ourselves.
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#407980 - 08/26/12 09:45 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
I love how you put that Sam this quest is alway grail like LOL. I guess it is just a matter of faith/courage to keep trying knowing/hoping that someday we will all be porn free ((Sam))
Mike

Top
#407982 - 08/26/12 10:02 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: mike13]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
I love how you put that Sam this quest is alway grail like LOL. I guess it is just a matter of faith/courage to keep trying knowing/hoping that someday we will all be porn free ((Sam))
Mike Thanks Mike, I gladly accept a ((Mike)), warmly appreciated with you fellow survivor. Our faith, assured expectation of the hope we have for ourselves. We WILL replace porn with hugs, we WILL remove ourselves from that depravity, we WILL accept ourselves in loving embrace, we WILL recover victory! Our demonstration of this replacement serves as an announcement that we will no longer be controlled, but that we now reach out for support to carry on this healthy search... we WILL find this Grail! Many already have.
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#408002 - 08/26/12 02:30 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 304
Loc: Canada
Keep it going gents. Uncover what you really need, what you are really after. Reach out and extend yourself, so that you too can feel loved in all of the ways we should have been as children. Porn can never satisfy that feeling. Heal well brothers. ((hugs to everyone))
_________________________
I am the warrior.

Top
#408521 - 08/31/12 05:19 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
peroperic2009 Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3786
Loc: South-East Europe
I've just bump to thread from 2005 where brothers shared hugs to each other and I'm somehow mowed by such positive emotions:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=38424#Post38424

Brothers survivors let's wrap us all in one HUGE HEALING HUG stretched trough space and time to every one of us in the most needed moment smile

Pero
_________________________
My story

Top
#408629 - 09/01/12 08:53 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
I love the enthusiasm here, thanks Letorski, Igor, you guys are contagious!

You know, as I focus on hugs, supporting myself, stopping my thought and feeling process to encourage comfortable actions, I find I am positively talking to myself more. I like myself now, but there is a difference in liking oneself and being oneself in a positive, affirming way.

In recovery we are taught to become self aware, this is the effort to allow the hurt, frozen self to express himself. We feel him in our lives, usually in the extremes of heart ache or destruction, but now it is different. He has, past tense, expressed himself. He has matured, he has trusted the consolation and he is healed, like a physical trauma survivor, his bandages come off. He begins physical therapy, walking, moving and seeing his progress.

I too am seeing this progress, beyond the emotional surgery, the obstacles, the moments of self doubt. Beyond these. The "inner self" is communicating with me as I live, play, work and interact with others, and myself.

Hugs, such a simple word, but so important, as it tells us it is time to AFFIRM INSIDE of US! The feelings will lessen in intensity, the thoughts will turn and become less negative, the actions will slow in their impulsivity. The wonder that comes next, that wonder is HUGS. Healthy Understanding Gains Support inside of us, the healing completes and nestles in ourselves. We are victorious!

Let those who are able come and get HUGS, and equally those who can offer HUGS, please do so.

Thank you fellow survivors, I could not do this without you. None of this would have been possible. I know now, it is possible and more.., it is probable and more.., it is.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#408633 - 09/01/12 09:28 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Sam,

This is a great and affirming thread for all survivors to see, because so many (including myself) struggle with the false intimacy of porn. I know the triggers that send me there - self doubt, stress, rejection, etc. Thanks for posting this, and many, MANY hugs to all of (((YOU)))!
_________________________
Eddie

Top
#408718 - 09/02/12 06:52 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
This is a great and affirming thread for all survivors to see, because so many (including myself) struggle with the false intimacy of porn. I know the triggers that send me there - self doubt, stress, rejection, etc. Thanks for posting this, and many, MANY hugs to all of (((YOU)))!Eddie, thank you for joining us! You ARE already more than the struggle and the triggers, but it is difficult to bElIeVE. My hope here, and the courage of you and the men here who have joined in is to love and compassion our way from this coping mechanism into the real genuine article of living. Heal from the doubt gentle survivor, Understand the joy of true intimacy, Gain the stability of affirming memories of your success, Support garnered from your fellow survivors here, and internally, each time you HUGS instead of view. I am confident you will succeed, MOST of the battle has been won Eddie, claim your prize! Freedom of porn is YOURS!
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#408955 - 09/04/12 07:32 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Fellow survivors, the struggle to overcome a sexual addiction like pornography is a long, treacherous road, sound familiar? Yes, our recovery road is long and treacherous as well. So two roads? No, not really, more like a multiple lane highway. We can move from lane to lane, experiencing recovery strength in one lane, say personal boundaries, busting shame or fear, and move to another on the success of the last, pornography addiction, for example. We do not need to obsess that the result of this "change" is to fulfill the challenge to overcome the addiction. No this is a long process. We need supporters, advocates, compassion and affirming personal experiences.

I have found a wonderful site that lays out in great detail the many facets of overcoming pornography addiction:

http://www.feedtherightwolf.org/2010/05/how-to-stop-porn-addiction-stop-watching-porn/

Here we can find life experiences, steps, videos, advice on groups and therapists, and encouragement to succeed. Please let me know what you found interesting, what encouraged you, and in what you have tried and found a measure of success.

Thanks,
Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#409568 - 09/09/12 05:24 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA


This is a Yahoo news photo, but the message is the same, Go Get A HUG, even if you have to wear one! smile

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#409610 - 09/09/12 04:38 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Sam

Thanks for that picture. I enjoy pictures like that a lot. I wish that buying a jacket would solve the problem of insufficient hugs. I can't remember my mom or dad ever hugging me. My grandma did. Then on and on and on. No hugs ever. Finally I got married to an affectionate wife and she started turning this around.

I think one element of recovery from porn is to be responsible to somebody. Someone he respects needs to check with him every day: 'Have you had control over this issue.' Probably an element of porn addiction is , as you suggest, insufficient hugs.

I'm in Weight Watchers. They only meet weekly. Everyone says it works. I'm struggling right now. But one of the reasons it works is that we have to weigh in every week. This means that we are responsible in a painless way to somebody for our performance. Then we have a little meeting in which a "coach" gives us tips on how to succeed. This kind of thing might work with many habitual areas of life.

I suppose that a boy who grows up without hugs is more susceptible to many kinds of abuse.

Puffer


Top
#409681 - 09/10/12 09:40 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
I think one element of recovery from porn is to be responsible to somebody. Someone he respects needs to check with him every day: 'Have you had control over this issue.' Probably an element of porn addiction is , as you suggest, insufficient hugs.Oh yes, absolutely we need to find someone to respect for our relief. Hugs is a sign, like two fingers in a "V" came to mean more than Victory, but Peace as well. My wife too was the affection and absolute conviction of loyalty that helped me to heal me as well. Her constant attention, devotion and compassion taught me. So with that teaching, I hug me. I am the respectable one that can affirm me, can support me, can comfort and hug me. Your work in WW is an extension of what we need, understanding and encouragement, so that we can begin and maintain healthy traits. For you, dear (((Allen))), much success on a healthier you. Thank you for joining us in enriching ourselves through healthy outlets.
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#409791 - 09/11/12 03:27 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
peroperic2009 Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3786
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey guys, I did it again, I'm not proud on myself and need some support.
It was very difficult time beside me:
I need to finish my post graduate study and have just one month left. So I took some time from my job, isolated myself and did some work last week, for three days I was doing from morning till night.
At same time one friend who is in unsafe environment was beaten and molested in bestial way again and now in hospital under intensive care frown
He has no one in real word and it is very difficult for me to watch such heavy suffering....
I was under huge pressure, felt very low and helpless and I did watch some porn and read some blogs about very risky behavior among men. Somehow I forced myself to stop it at the end...
And finally this last weekend I was at one party where I meet beautiful girl, she is friend of my niece and I know her already for couple of years. In short we danced and spent some time together and suddenly we admitted that we have had crush on each other some time ago... She is leaving today and last night we managed to see each other, it was like second date and it was great.
Anyway I can't believe that such beauty is interested in me, all time I was keep repeating in my mind that I'm not dreaming.
When I came to my home I was like in heaven....
During my sleep I have had some dreams almost like sexual in nature, I can't recall anything specific just such feelings in background.
I wake up before dawn and went on internet, I've read couple of pages of blogs about very nasty things and I did MB.
Must say that couple days ago I removed any records of such pages from my comp and decided to do what ever is needed to avoid it and somehow I was sucsessful.
So I felt so low again, dirty and not worthy.
I still can't believe that beautiful girl is interested in me, I'm sacred if I fall in love with her that I'll bring some terrible things to someone so innocent, I rely felt desperate.
And I need hug badly frown

Pero
_________________________
My story

Top
#409798 - 09/11/12 04:53 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3959
Loc: settling in the USA again
((((((((((((Pero))))))))))))

sorry about your friend who was abused.
and happy about the beautiful new friend girl.

you have made some very good and positive steps. good for you!

OK - so you slipped. don't beat yourself up. you are not the only one that does that. get back up and start heading in the right direction again. you know the way.

we still love you.
Lee
_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

Top
#409801 - 09/11/12 06:51 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
(((Igor)))

You are under so much stress, I can feel that struggle. I am happy you found a beautiful girl, Igor. You have put up good defenses so that you did not run to that porn, it was a struggle to get to the porn, it was difficult, right? That is such a good thing. Please remember that you are in training, so there will be times when it is overwhelming, and it is those times we will be here to support and encourage you to keep trying. We are in training with you, and we understand.

You have already succeeded fellow survivor, keep up the GOOD WORK!

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#409808 - 09/11/12 08:30 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
peroperic2009 Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3786
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey (((Lee and Sam)))
thanks for supportive words, I needed it.
I'm not too hard on myself, I'm who I'm including "bad" parts. I guess I just wanted to be honest and to share in full my fragility, somehow I become stronger trough that.
I'm grateful for MS, I can't imagine my life without all of you guys!

Pero (Igor)
_________________________
My story

Top
#410153 - 09/14/12 09:31 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
(((Igor))) Recovering survivors that make assertive, healthy disclosures and seek positive actions for themselves are proving that recovery works! You are breaking through the shame, the stigma and the negative cycling behavior, well done!

This is a powerful post Igor, and it is from a powerful, compassionate man, congratulations.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#410176 - 09/15/12 01:05 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 304
Loc: Canada
About a year ago (June of last year), I officially recognized I had a problem with porn and decided it was time to face it. I joined an online program and saw some success. They used cognitive behavioral techniques to re-wire the brain by modifying thought processes. I ultimately left the program, feeling that there was a lot of shame in the forum. There, many men spoke of their sexual urges as shameful. I have seen a lifetime of shame, and decided it was not a good place to be.

Many things began to surface when I quit porn. The crippling inner voice that told me I was completely worthless became louder and louder. Feelings that were numb for the last 21 years became "un-frozen" and boy did they feel intense. I wasn't emotionally prepared to deal with any of that. I slipped in and out of addiction multiple times over. Looking back today, I can say that I was always moving in the right direction. My overall use of porn to numb my life was going down. It has taken me this long to allow my brain to come down from using porn all these years. I weened myself off of it (unknowingly) like you would a drug or anti-depressant.

The whole process was one of self discovery. And then you Sam, wrote something in a post that struck me and radically changed everything. You wrote that addiction to porn and sex was merely a way for us to seek acceptance and love. That resonated so deep in me. From that moment, porn lost all of its appeal. You lifted the veil long enough for me to see the illusion that is porn. I have not viewed porn in over a month. The voice in my head has changed, and I am feeling much better about myself.

I know there is still a ways to go, and I have accepted that it's a journey with no absolute destination. Igor, stay the course my friend. I know it feels like you are taking one step forward, and two steps back. Trust in the process. Recovery isn't linear. That is true of CSA recovery and it is true of porn addiction recovery. You have to trust that you are moving in the right direction. I didn't know I was, but sitting here today I can clearly see that I was. Believe in yourself, because we believe in you. Heal well friend.

Daniel
_________________________
I am the warrior.

Top
#410182 - 09/15/12 03:01 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3959
Loc: settling in the USA again
This is a test!
my wife is away on a ladies' retreat for 2 nights.
i am trying to resist the temptation.
Lee
_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

Top
#410184 - 09/15/12 03:23 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: Letourski]
peroperic2009 Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3786
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey (((Daniel))),
thanks for update and such strong testimony about struggle with porn. I would never say before that is love (or lack of it) in background of such behavior. Thank God that we have each other and this site!

Pero
_________________________
My story

Top
#410185 - 09/15/12 03:29 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: traveler]
peroperic2009 Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3786
Loc: South-East Europe
Hang on Lee,
must be some challenge if you already feel pressure building inside.
Sam gave us great article (on page before this) about battling porn and I've found it very helpful:
http://www.feedtherightwolf.org/2010/05/how-to-stop-porn-addiction-stop-watching-porn/
Especially interesting part for me was where it is explained that our feelings (including) temptations are limited in lasting so we have to find way to buy us time and wait till go away....
Please try to stay in present.
Here is my hug for you (((Lee)))
_________________________
My story

Top
#410195 - 09/15/12 11:35 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 304
Loc: Canada
Lee,

If I asked you not to think about the a big pink elephant, what would you think of? I bet the Elephant. I read a very wise saying a few years ago that said, 'what you resist, will persist.' The Tao teaches us to go with the flow. What the heck does this have to do with viewing porn? When I consciously acknowledged wanting to view porn and act out, I was better able to re-direct my thoughts. Thoughts affect feelings and vice versa so while the sub-conscious emotion may be hard to pin down, we can change the emotion by changing our thoughts. Here is an example:

Facing the thought/feeling

I am feeling lonely because my wife is gone and when I am lonely I want to use porn and MB. This is not what I want.

Replacing the thought/feeling

I can quell this feeling of loneliness in a variety of ways. I can call friends, I can visit MS and support a fellow survivor, or I can spend some quality time with myself exercising, writing, working on a project. This is what I want.

Connecting with others

I am going to reach out to a fellow survivor on MS and tell them how much they mean to me, and then I am going to take a brisk walk to clear my head.

That's the basic premise. Face the trigger, replace it with healthier alternatives, and follow through with the alternatives. Affirm these things out loud with as much emotion as possible to make it more real for you. The idea is to train your brain to reach for healthy outlets to express emotion. It's based on the cognitive behavioral techniques I mentioned in the post above.

I also want to mention that Sam is spot on with hugs vs porn. Human touch and bonding releases Oxytocin, the same chemical that is released after climax either with a partner or solo. A hug will not release the same quantity of oxytocin, but it might be just enough to deter you away from viewing porn.

One more thing. When someone virtually hugs you here on MS, try and visualize the hug with as much detail as possible. Our brains respond in much the same way to visualization than to actual practice. So in effect, seeing the hug as vividly as possible with as much positive emotion as possible may in fact coax the release of oxytocin. I hope any of this helps. Heal well friends.

Daniel,
_________________________
I am the warrior.

Top
#410490 - 09/18/12 04:54 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: Letourski]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Originally Posted By: Letourski
About a year ago (June of last year), I officially recognized I had a problem with porn and decided it was time to face it. I joined an online program and saw some success. They used cognitive behavioral techniques to re-wire the brain by modifying thought processes. I ultimately left the program, feeling that there was a lot of shame in the forum. There, many men spoke of their sexual urges as shameful. I have seen a lifetime of shame, and decided it was not a good place to be.Daniel I too have seen much shame in the halls of self healing in step and support programs. That is so difficult to process, and while it seems to be the impetus that helps the non abused to heal, it is overwhelming to me. Empowering yourself to keep healing by leaving a support group is a productive, I have left virtual and physical groups, and feel better about the chosen course, well done.

Many things began to surface when I quit porn. The crippling inner voice that told me I was completely worthless became louder and louder. Feelings that were numb for the last 21 years became "un-frozen" and boy did they feel intense. I wasn't emotionally prepared to deal with any of that. I slipped in and out of addiction multiple times over. Looking back today, I can say that I was always moving in the right direction. My overall use of porn to numb my life was going down. It has taken me this long to allow my brain to come down from using porn all these years. I weened myself off of it (unknowingly) like you would a drug or anti-depressant.Oh man, it's like you are inside my mind, the rush of powerful chemicals in the body that freezes and demands such access is intimate and depletes negative and positive resources so completely. The weening is a "replacing", a desire to feel the chemicals, but to process the abuse "dump" so that it is a trickle, satisfied with an amount of good feelings without the emotional flood.

The whole process was one of self discovery. And then you Sam, wrote something in a post that struck me and radically changed everything. You wrote that addiction to porn and sex was merely a way for us to seek acceptance and love. Me too. This line freed me! That resonated so deep in me. From that moment, porn lost all of its appeal. You lifted the veil long enough for me to see the illusion that is porn. I have not viewed porn in over a month. The voice in my head has changed, and I am feeling much better about myself. "The illusion" indeed, embrace the real hug of self, empowered!

I know there is still a ways to go, and I have accepted that it's a journey with no absolute destination. Igor, stay the course my friend. I know it feels like you are taking one step forward, and two steps back. Trust in the process. Recovery isn't linear. That is true of CSA recovery and it is true of porn addiction recovery. You have to trust that you are moving in the right direction. I didn't know I was, but sitting here today I can clearly see that I was. Believe in yourself, because we believe in you. Heal well friend.It surely does not "feel right" at first, or even second. Eventually, we adapt into the path, and it becomes right. There will be slips and it will feel like we have failed, but moving slowly in the right direction is never wrong.

Daniel
Thank you Daniel, your sharing, your supporting, this is so close to my heart, thank you.
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#410491 - 09/18/12 04:56 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: traveler]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Originally Posted By: traveler
This is a test!
my wife is away on a ladies' retreat for 2 nights.
i am trying to resist the temptation.
Lee
I know fellow survivor Lee, that you made progress in this struggle, that you had victories this weekend. Keep seeing the wins in this battle, they are there, and you are so worth it.
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#410657 - 09/19/12 07:11 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Originally Posted By: Letorski
Facing the thought/feeling

I am feeling lonely because my wife is gone and when I am lonely I want to use porn and MB. This is not what I want.

Replacing the thought/feeling

I can quell this feeling of loneliness in a variety of ways. I can call friends, I can visit MS and support a fellow survivor, or I can spend some quality time with myself exercising, writing, working on a project. This is what I want.

Connecting with others

I am going to reach out to a fellow survivor on MS and tell them how much they mean to me, and then I am going to take a brisk walk to clear my head.


This is a wonderful addition to our tools Daniel thank you!
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#410663 - 09/19/12 08:14 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3959
Loc: settling in the USA again
Sam & Daniel & Pero -

thanks so much. your responses really helped. Daniel - your reasoned, step-by-step action plan above is especially useful. identifying the issues and finding a positive way to substitute one method of meeting the need with another:

*** That's the basic premise. Face the trigger, replace it with healthier alternatives, and follow through with the alternatives. Affirm these things out loud with as much emotion as possible to make it more real for you. The idea is to train your brain to reach for healthy outlets to express emotion. ***

yes! i can do this - and it works.

OK - so bottom line - i did slip at the beginning of my time in solitude. but i got away from that and stayed away for the rest of the weekend. and for the first time i did not wallow in self-condemnation and stay there either. i just admitted my fault - to one of my brotheres here in a PM - and moved on. i think what they say is true - confession is good for the soul.

so - yes - definite progress - and also some other big revelations that i've posted about elsewhere.

Lee
_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

Top
#413439 - 10/17/12 09:39 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: traveler]
Tyler845 Offline


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 276
Loc: U.S.A.
For No Other Reason Than This Is A Great Thread And Should Be Endorsed By Every Member Here-

(((((( ))))))))

Love.

U guys.

No Porn Tonight.

Great Replies , The Whole Lot Of You.

Be Well.
_________________________
Most Often, The Child Inside Has Better Access To Execute The Flawless Potential Of Self.

Over-Ride Emotional Conflict With Rational Truths

You Are Freer Than You Think - Paul Berteaux

Come unto Me, all ye that Labor, and are Heavy-ladened. I will give you Rest -Jesus Christ

Top
#413487 - 10/18/12 08:01 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
(((Tyler)))

WooHoo!! You are a wonderful example of the power we have inside of us to see beyond the abuse controls and get what you NEED. Safety, security, kindness and happiness.

You are a success! Well done. No porn tonight, just hugs, fellow survivors and the satisfaction of knowing we are one day better than we were a day ago.

Powerful Tyler, powerful!
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#417680 - 11/29/12 09:19 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
Tyler845 Offline


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 276
Loc: U.S.A.
Thanks Man. Really.

Am trying again tonight. Had a few falls lately. Knowing they're not as important as continuing in resolve is sometimes a tough pill to swallow, but exactly the antidote to overcome completely.
I don't fully accept that idea even now. It's only a drop in the bucket at times when I'm hating. (Feeling down on myself) With as much as I've done since new year I should feel great. Sober from alcohol/everything else illegal for around 7 months- Tryin to talk to girls again. Workin out- bout have a 6 pack - Joined the local church- have friends now- play basketball alot more again-
I still find ways to belittle and degrade everything about me. Even if it isnt a completely coherent thought, the feeling and fear of inevitable failure clings so strongly- I will

Be Happy

Hugs for anyone who trusts enough to accept them. Don't fear this simple gesture planted by a solemn sower. ((((( )))))

Lee- I shared your signature as a post on another site. Thanks for sharing that. Hadn't came across it til just now. Awesome verse.
_________________________
Most Often, The Child Inside Has Better Access To Execute The Flawless Potential Of Self.

Over-Ride Emotional Conflict With Rational Truths

You Are Freer Than You Think - Paul Berteaux

Come unto Me, all ye that Labor, and are Heavy-ladened. I will give you Rest -Jesus Christ

Top
#417683 - 11/29/12 09:35 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
It is a process Tyler. That you are aware of that is a good thing. You are thinking about the process and experience setbacks, not the cycle of the being controlled by triggers and coping mechanisms. You have come a long way, this IS the right path. KEEP TRYING! This too will become a part of the life recovered.

Good work on bringing you to the life you want to live, I celebrate that with you.

My best to you, Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#417684 - 11/29/12 09:36 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3959
Loc: settling in the USA again
Tyler - i had read through that verse or over it or past it many times and never saw it. and then suddenly it just jumped off the page and smacked me in the eye! glad it spoke to you, too.

since this thread came up again - i'll give an update:

a couple weeks ago my wife found evidence of my "fall" on our computer. i thought i had removed everything - but i was busted. it was a long, dark week for both of us. we worked through it last Friday with our T's help and we are back on track again.

one good outcome was that by coming clean about it and telling her the whole back-story of what i was looking for and why (stuff that depicts similar scenarios to my past) she is starting to understand better what i am dealing with and the confusion and - as my T calls it - "crossed wires."

now here is the most amazing part - she asked me if i could come to her instead whenever i feel that need/desire. WOW - talk about HUGS instead!!! i think this is going to work well for me/us. in the past week i have already felt less attraction in the wrong direction and more toward her.

(i didn't want to share this {wounded pride!} - but it seems pretty clear that i should!)
Lee
_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

Top
#417686 - 11/29/12 09:47 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
Tyler845 Offline


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 276
Loc: U.S.A.
Thanks Bro'

Imitation being the sincerest form of flattery, and with flattery not necessarily in-sincere,

My best to you, as well.
_________________________
Most Often, The Child Inside Has Better Access To Execute The Flawless Potential Of Self.

Over-Ride Emotional Conflict With Rational Truths

You Are Freer Than You Think - Paul Berteaux

Come unto Me, all ye that Labor, and are Heavy-ladened. I will give you Rest -Jesus Christ

Top
#417785 - 11/30/12 04:23 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: traveler]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: traveler
a couple weeks ago my wife found evidence of my "fall" on our computer. i thought i had removed everything - but i was busted. ..........now here is the most amazing part - she asked me if i could come to her instead whenever i feel that need/desire.



HOLY COW!!! You better treat her right, that the most amazing response ever. Are there more like her across the pond?

Jude
_________________________
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

Top
#417797 - 11/30/12 07:10 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: traveler]
Tyler845 Offline


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 276
Loc: U.S.A.
That's awesome Lee !

I second what Jude has said- Quite the lady you have there. Congratulations. Nice work as well on your sharing and working through your "fall" I have 'em, Imagine we all do. No fall last night so I'm feeling good on this subject a.t.m. Here's to keeping positivity Going !

Be well Guys'
_________________________
Most Often, The Child Inside Has Better Access To Execute The Flawless Potential Of Self.

Over-Ride Emotional Conflict With Rational Truths

You Are Freer Than You Think - Paul Berteaux

Come unto Me, all ye that Labor, and are Heavy-ladened. I will give you Rest -Jesus Christ

Top
#417818 - 12/01/12 02:08 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 304
Loc: Canada
Hey Guys,

I am glad to see this thread still going strong.

Tyler,

You are moving along the path my friend. I felt for a long time like I wasn't going anywhere with it. In June of 2011 I realized I had a problem with porn/mb. I vowed to stop. It has been sea-saw for sure. And at times I felt stuck, but in reality every day I was making progress. Whether it was 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months. Always moving forward. And eventually came some clarity, some space between the feelings and the behaviors. It was enough space to remind myself of how closely it resembled the very things that were thrust upon me as a child. And I didn't want that.

It's a learning process and I thought I was going backwards with each fall, but in fact I was and still am healing. Recovery and healing are from linear. Keep trying! There is no such thing as failure if you keep getting back up. Heal well. Feel free to pm me if you ever feel the need.

Sincerely,

Daniel
_________________________
I am the warrior.

Top
#417884 - 12/01/12 04:59 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: Letourski]
Tyler845 Offline


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 276
Loc: U.S.A.
Thanks man. Your offer of support means alot. I'm still fighting the good fight and am working on a week sober from the particular subject. I note that time in church "usually" adds to my strength and ability to execute sobriety under pressure. Nice day with the family happening as I type, so I've reason to be happy on both fronts.

Be well Brothers'
_________________________
Most Often, The Child Inside Has Better Access To Execute The Flawless Potential Of Self.

Over-Ride Emotional Conflict With Rational Truths

You Are Freer Than You Think - Paul Berteaux

Come unto Me, all ye that Labor, and are Heavy-ladened. I will give you Rest -Jesus Christ

Top
#422541 - 01/18/13 04:55 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: Tyler845]
Tyler845 Offline


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 276
Loc: U.S.A.
Hugs
_________________________
Most Often, The Child Inside Has Better Access To Execute The Flawless Potential Of Self.

Over-Ride Emotional Conflict With Rational Truths

You Are Freer Than You Think - Paul Berteaux

Come unto Me, all ye that Labor, and are Heavy-ladened. I will give you Rest -Jesus Christ

Top
#422597 - 01/18/13 11:13 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Lee! What a wonderful supporter, you are fortunate. You know, she is drawn to you as you are drawn to her, she feels/she knows the person you are making the effort to be, and she is patiently waiting. You are quite a catch, remember that. Continue to live the life you are exerting yourself for in this struggle, choose HUGS, choose empowerment through many battles, that the victory is assured. Thank you for your share!

@Letorski, Daniel
Quote:
It was enough space to remind myself of how closely it resembled the very things that were thrust upon me as a child. And I didn't want that.
Indeed we do not want that, but we are programmed to expect it, and when we do not have it regularly, we become apprehensive, fearful. We need to HUG ourselves like we DID want, to consider carefully how we feel we would have been successfully raised with attention, support, caring and investment, and find those things in ourselves, mature them, accept them in us. What great advice... Keep trying! Yes!

@Tyler
We need to remember those affirming good times, and not invest in the dysfunction that overwhelms us. We are as sick as our secrets, I have told hundreds, and with each telling I am less overwhelmed. When you are ready, keep trying(I love that Daniel, thanks!), keep reaching out, keep seeking that with your make an effort to live, your life calm, balanced, content, peaceful. It is within your grasp.

Thank you for continuing this fellow survivors, my best to you and indeed, to us all!

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#423087 - 01/24/13 05:35 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
peroperic2009 Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3786
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi Sam and all,
I come here to show my struggle and be honest and open with you guys. I didn't feel well lately and I did it again, I skip in world of porn.
I've been included into some happenings which brought a lot of anxiety and problems with my sleep lately. And when some uncertainties are grooving and when situation is helpless that is triggering my anxiety and I guess similar negative feelings.
I hate myself as I can't change my coping mechanism and as I'm hyper-sexual, like such solution can bring anything.
I find difficult to rewire my brain no matter how hardly I'm trying. I just couldn't resist challenge and it made me sad.

Additionally I don't know how to prevent similar happenings in future and that is the main reason why I'm here, yes I'm fragile and I don't know how to deal with this issue.
Above all it is difficult for me sometimes to ask for help, it is difficult to be aware that I'm in trouble as I wrote here in this post but I decided to reach out and to share my struggles with you. I'm more than grateful that we have such opportunity offered here.

Sam you asked me recently if you could do something for me?
Well you did it already by opening this thread. Thank you for being so supportive to all of us here.

Here is my hug for all of you guys here (((( MS )))) as I need one too badly wink

Pero (Igor)
_________________________
My story

Top
#423088 - 01/24/13 05:52 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Here is a hug for you, buddy. I hope it helps.

(((((((Pero)))))))
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

Top
#423092 - 01/24/13 07:06 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
peroperic2009 Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3786
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Gecko, thanks buddy,
Hugs and emotions always help me. I'm very happy seeing you sharing it wink

(((((crazy gecko)))))
_________________________
My story

Top
#423095 - 01/24/13 07:52 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
{{{Igor}}}

Please know absolutely that you are making progress. If you count the times you resisted looking against the times you did, you would be successful because you are either average, above average or doing exceptionally well.

how can you prevent looking in the future? Run!!! when the urge to look happens what, run. go to another room go outside go grocery shopping. if you have a laptop shut the top. If you have a monitor turn it off. most importantly, hug yourself. you are wanting to look because you're feeling lonely because you want a relationship. when you hug yourself, look in a mirror in your eyes. Tell yourself you are sorry for the pain that you had to experience, but that you are safe now and you will protect yourself.
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#423194 - 01/25/13 09:29 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
peroperic2009 Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3786
Loc: South-East Europe
Thank you (((Sam))), I really appreciate it!
Maybe I'll need to throw my laptop trough window next time, lol, sometimes only some radical actions are working!

Pero
_________________________
My story

Top
#423199 - 01/25/13 11:22 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 305
Loc: MO
I still use porn as a masturbatory tool. For me it is not the porn. It is the need for masturbation. A hug, the experience of support and willingness to express positive regard toward me, is not very helpful for me.

I have a hard time accepting the hug as anything but a response to my behaviour. I cannot accept that it is about who I am.

And it certainly does not offer any kind of sexual release. In fact if I accept it as sexual it is very uncomfortable. Thank you for the topic.

It makes me examine myself and look ata what I am doing with porn. Mostly it is my obsession with oral sex, the most frequent experience of my csa (both forced and manipulated doing it and being done).

I know this is not healthy, but it is far more healthy than self mutilation.I feel it is safe to be open here. I don't really know if this is a good thread to express myself. I feel so sad and self pitying this morning.

Thank you for being here.

Top
#423201 - 01/25/13 12:43 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: genedebs]
Tyler845 Offline


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 276
Loc: U.S.A.
Support for you genedebs.

Can relate to the oral fixation.

I hope toward your wellness.

Take it easy on yourself, as hard as that is to do sometimes, given mistakes and what you may feel are failures on your part. You can walk stronger next time. Always another chance, as long as you're able to read this.

Be well.
_________________________
Most Often, The Child Inside Has Better Access To Execute The Flawless Potential Of Self.

Over-Ride Emotional Conflict With Rational Truths

You Are Freer Than You Think - Paul Berteaux

Come unto Me, all ye that Labor, and are Heavy-ladened. I will give you Rest -Jesus Christ

Top
#423207 - 01/25/13 01:27 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Absolutely what Tyler says, you will walk stronger the next time you need to consider this abuse control. That is what it is, had you not experienced this during the abuse or after, you may not have been fixated on the act. A hug is a balance, not sex, not isolation, but in the middle. When we become sad or lonely, we tend to obsess about the lack of companionship in our lives. Too, it could be that we are feeling shame or frustration, all negative thoughts and feelings. When they become too much, we feel we need to relieve ourselves. The length and strength that we have become negative must also be reversed back to a point of function, so we need a great amount of stimuli to correct that imbalance. In a word, porn. That coping mechanism will jettison the negative thoughts like a reset button, clearing those hurtful feelings and creating a euphoric, overwhelming positive feeling inside us.

Recovery helps to create steps to slow our decent into despair of those negative feelings and eventually to be able to find positive coping skills like calming breathing, positive visualization and relaxation techniques. These support us and help us to take in helpful, functional thoughts we practice till we believe in them and they become a daily part of our internal support. We can even get to the point of automation, where we do not have to think through a process, it is already on.

Whatever you feel now fellow survivor, wherever you feel you are in recovery and how you perceive your current status, that is to be respected and supported. You are doing your best, it IS enough.

I am glad you posted in this topic, my best to you.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#423209 - 01/25/13 02:17 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
I have recently been communicating with a woman from another rape/csa support site. In very little time we have developed a very close connection. A lot of unconditional acceptance from both sides. The discussions have been very emotionally intimate. To the point where in her last message she needed to clarify that she was not interested in any romantic or sexual relationship, that she thought that I felt the same way but still needed to clarify things. I agreed with her completely and expressed my desire for a true friendship and confirmed that I had no interest in any romantic involvement with her.

So what the hell does this have to do with this thread?

I became even less interested in porn. I look forward to reading her messages. I enjoy writing to her and telling her about myself, the good, the bad, and the ugly.(sorry I just had to) I feel great about the friendship bond that we are developing. And porn seems to be the loser. smile Yes I would like to develop a loving, romantic, sexual relationship with a woman in time (locally) but I'm not where I need to be for that to happen. And if and when it does happen I can tell my internet woman friend all about it.

Top
#423212 - 01/25/13 02:53 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
{{{Candu}}}

I celebrate this success with you, what a wonderful find! Replacement is the key to recovery, it helps to wean off the strong extreme emotions of porn and isolation, and brings us a balance of interest and curiosity. These then empower us to healthy relationships, inside and out.

Keep recovering, keep aware of yourself and live the life you are making the effort for fellow survivor! Great work here!
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#423739 - 01/30/13 12:27 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
peroperic2009 Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3786
Loc: South-East Europe
Although my crisis with compulsive watching porn and MB is finished I've had still occasionally urges for porn and masturbation but nothing to worry about.
No matter during exchanging some PMs with one friend I wrote something that leaded me to some new discoveries about my addiction and I feel ready to share it with you my brothers.
I was never concerned about morality of those my "forbidden" activities but rather about re-traumatizing myself while I was doing it.

I've been fighting it for long and still I'm not sure how to break that cycle but I know that I want to step out and get some rest.

During some lonely moments I become aware that I have huge deficit in seeing self as worthy person. Many times I'm not at all aware of my needs and worth of me as a person. Not sure why I've become like that.
I must say that I spent couple of years living with my verbally abusive uncle (far from my home) while I was studied and later after I found some temporary job. It lasted for couple of years and has left huge negative impact on me. It is evidence how less I cared for my needs, it was reckless and I didn't manage to chose some better choices but I pushed all my dignity and stayed in place that could easily be called hell.
Why?
I don't have answer, I just didn't care for my basic needs nor I have had myself in spot at all.
I obeyed all my uncle's demands in totally submissive fashion many times just to keep him and his household in peace. Sometimes my aunt did manage to use me as some sort of shield against my uncle and pushed us to spend more time together in doing some work outside of house. My uncle was the same toward me and my brother.
He was enjoying in showing other people how he controls us, couple of times he even offered my and my brother's help to third persons without asking our approval in first place, we were like his tools not human beings, he liked to show how good we are (good for others not for him).
When I stayed alone at his place I tried as best as I could but it was never good enough. He is very toxic person and now ten years later I have difficulties to be near him. I can't withstand seeing his negative energy flying towards all around him.

My brother left our uncle's place the first opportunity when he finished his school, he was also sometime explosive when challenged by uncle and sometimes near incident, I was always quiet following mercilessly given instructions.

I need to confess something here, I started watching porn (and gay porn particularly) when I felt totally destroyed by my uncle and without any escape left for me. It started with heavy work from morning till almost night and then I have had just couple of hours for my self during the nights. I was under huge pressure all day long, needed to be careful and to watch on every my step to avoid some troubles, I was trained like the best working dog to do what is expected. Even now many years later I know where some tools are held and what are rules for some things, I know it much better than back to my father's place and I find that fact terrible frown
I somehow started to watch porn pages during the nights and suddenly I was caught like in trap. My life was so monotonous: working all day long, listening and expecting uncle's attacks and yelling all time long and at nights trying to skip to some fantasy world. I even during the day sometimes needed to skip my reality by imagining some explicit scenes that would give me high drive. I survived like that while I was forced to work on rainy or cold days and when was terrible difficult...
I needed also to go to the army, it lasted only for six months but it was also very challenging time. I wasn't allowed to go my home very often and when I did I was again caught into same cycle helping my uncle during the days and watching porn during the nights, I didn't at all sleep some of those nights although I was very tired.
I was very unhappy and I couldn't talk how I felt. My father knew for some my problems but he never showed some emotions toward me, he was pushing me to be good to my uncle and to be grateful to him because of his "generosity". I tried to say couple of times that me and my brother payed more than enough by working so many days like animals but I was not heard.
When I was the most hurt I just wasn't able to hold and I needed to escape emotional whirlpool where I was brought. It was like desert. I was seen as not good nor worthy person. I was seen and talked like I was stupid, stubborn and impossible to deal with. I was seen as no man enough, like weakling and total waste.

I'm still struggling knowing how deep scars he left in me and how much it hurts me.
Why I'm talking about all this?
Well I want to give huge hug to myself, I want to give support to my self and to say:

Igor (Pero) I love you. I believe in you. I know that you are worthy and good person. I know that you'll always try to pull the best possible from some situation. You are man. You are strong. You are not stupid. You like to offer help and support to your friends and you can offer a lot to others.
Please don't give a damn thing for cowards that were verbally abusive and their toxic words pointed on you.

I love you ((((Igor (Pero)))), you are good man.
_________________________
My story

Top
#423753 - 01/30/13 02:44 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1627
Loc: Minnesota
Bravo!

Pero,

You are awesome!

I love u man!
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

Top
#423788 - 01/30/13 06:23 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: peroperic2009]
Marc1267 Offline


Registered: 01/27/13
Posts: 10
Ive done same thing and im married (to a woman) and Ive find myself looking at gay porn, me always being the "submissive" and even being the victim again and then I feel even more worthless because I don't understand why I would want to relive anything so horrible let alone watch men have sex when I don't feel an attraction to the same sex. I was kept in diapers as a kid until around 8 for bedwetting and then I became attracted to them around 18 or 19 and I view that with shame as I do with porn, as you said it's like an addition to coffee, smokes, booze, etc. I think somehow I find comfort when being "protected" inside a diaper and again I used to believe I was only one who felt that way until the internet and finding there are thousands like that. I just wish I could start childhood over again minus the abuse and see how I would have turned out. BTW, this site has been quite informative and helpful and thanks for everyones support.

Top
#423940 - 02/01/13 01:10 AM . [Re: Marc1267]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (02/02/13 12:26 AM)

Top
#424784 - 02/09/13 09:46 AM Re: HUGS versus p.o..r...n.... [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
We may not completely understand why we are drawn to porn or the situations we were into while we are recovering. Courageously, we WILL! It takes time to discover triggers, work through them by minimizing our emotional reactions, then reasoning on the controlling thoughts, releasing them by learning how to create healthy thought patterns.

Wherever we are in recovery, we have ALREADY progressed, let's take a moment, pat ourselves on the back and smile at our look in the mirror. My best to all of you courageous men, my fellow survivors.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#427646 - 03/10/13 10:52 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Quote:
I just wish I could start childhood over again minus the abuse and see how I would have turned out.


Just this morning I realized I was feeling anxious and overwhelmed, I really had to hold those fears in honor as I talked to my younger self. I hugged him, telling him I understood he was afraid, he was worried and that when he was ready, I would be here for him to talk to, that he and I would work through whatever was on his little heart. I felt so much better, even talking about this feels good. Marc, I know through processing the abuse for over three years that the man I am now is intelligent and caring, I have folks telling me things that they have never told anyone. You and I Marc, we will be the ones that others feel close to and respect, our healing journey, though difficult, brings out the best in us. Therefore, we will be at our best, and it will bring relief to ourselves and others.

Let's keep going fellow survivor, okay?

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#428892 - 03/24/13 09:10 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
cuda Offline


Registered: 02/05/12
Posts: 22
Loc: TN
Thanks Sam for your wisdom honesty and courage. Hugs > Porn

I have had a addiction to porn since 5yrs old and it is going to be a very large dragon to slay.
_________________________
Fighting My Many Headed Dragon

My Story

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...6817#Post426817

Top
#428893 - 03/24/13 09:11 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
Tarobuns108 Offline


Registered: 03/20/13
Posts: 21
Loc: NJ, USA
Those looking for virtual hugs should go to the nicest place on the internet! If you have a webcam or camera, you can donate a hug, too. smile
_________________________
"Don't be ashamed to need help. Like a soldier storming a wall, you have a mission to accomplish. And if you've been wounded and you need a comrade to pull you up? So what?" Meditations of Marcus Aurelius, Book 7:7

Top
#428900 - 03/24/13 10:55 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: Tarobuns108]
peroperic2009 Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3786
Loc: South-East Europe
Originally Posted By: Tarobuns108
Those looking for virtual hugs should go to the nicest place on the internet! If you have a webcam or camera, you can donate a hug, too. smile


Hey my friend this is something the most beautiful that I've seen, thank you for bringing it.
Here is warmest hug for all of you who read this wink

((( hug for everyone wink )))
_________________________
My story

Top
#428901 - 03/24/13 11:04 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: Tarobuns108]
cuda Offline


Registered: 02/05/12
Posts: 22
Loc: TN
Originally Posted By: Tarobuns108
Those looking for virtual hugs should go to the nicest place on the internet! If you have a webcam or camera, you can donate a hug, too. smile



Thank You very Much for the link it does help a lot Thanks
_________________________
Fighting My Many Headed Dragon

My Story

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...6817#Post426817

Top
#428915 - 03/24/13 12:24 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Hey cuda, welcome to the fight! We need the warrior to be resolute in keeping away from that source of destruction. We also need the Commander, the Doctor, the Nurse and the Rebuilder. Use these parts in your strategy to completely move away from this painful coping mechanism.

Imagine, some out there are not drawn to porn, crazy huh? Well, imagining ourselves healthy is the first step to creating that environment in our lives.

Keep reaching out for those HUGS, keep moving forward!
Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#428916 - 03/24/13 12:27 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Ren, what a great site, thank you for bring hugs to our little corner of the web. I hope you also make a new topic in MaleSurvivor and bring this to the whole site!
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#428918 - 03/24/13 12:58 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
I prefer HUGs!!!
{Peroperic2009}
{Mike13}
{SamV}
{KMCINVA}
{Jude}
{GoHomeAgain}
{Gmone}
{Letorski}
{theIrregular}
{EGL}
{pufferfish}
{traveler}
{tyler845}
{crazy gecko}
{genedebs}
{Candu}
{Mountainous Buck}
{Marc1267}
{Life's A Dream}
{cuda}
{Tarobuns}
{JayBro}


You men are wonderful, seeking and preferring the comfortable healing and security of a self hug or a supportive hug as being greater than po r n. HUG> po r n.

A warm, safe hug for you, indeed for all of us survivors!

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#428955 - 03/24/13 04:58 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 324
Me too!
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

Top
#428958 - 03/24/13 05:47 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
JayBro, welcome! You have been added to our growing list of courageous survivors.
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#434891 - 05/16/13 10:12 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6298
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
thoughts after reading through this thread...

would you believe, for me, the subject of hugs is more uncomfortable to discuss than porn?

and i am very uncomfortable discussing porn.

this was very difficult to write and i am embarassed to post it, but here it goes.

hit the "submit"
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#435011 - 05/17/13 10:12 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Well done victor! Hugs ARE more intimate and difficult than porn, you're right. Hugs indicate that we can become vulnerable to someone we trust. Porn does not ask for that. Hugs can mean we want to reach out and support another, porn does not care about that.

I celebrate your share and encourage you to determine who is really uncomfortable with Hugs.

My best to you Victor,
Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#435016 - 05/17/13 10:37 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6298
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
i am really uncomfortable with hugs.
i do the hug where and when expected.
to avoid looking uncomfortable, i end up feeling uncomfortable.

with females it feels fake, or sexual. always inappropriate. don't like the smell (perfume, hairspray, booze, cigarettes). only enjoyable as a prelude to sex. to me it always implied consent, or unwanted affection, or secret desire. never healthy.

i don't like to hug another male, brother, son nor father. not liking the smell (sweat, deodorant, booze, cigarettes, halitosis, leather) or the whiskers. it always feels like the start of a wrestling match. it is all i can do to avoid making the first tackle. i can't wait until the hug ends.

i will do the hug, but i never enjoy it.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#435038 - 05/18/13 06:35 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Please remember fellow survivor, you are innocent. The feelings of hugging to initiate sex or control did not come from you but originated from the abuser. Try to remember what you wanted from a hug prior to the abuse, to evict the abuse control from your heart and replace it with the previous memory.
I am glad that you're able track those feelings within you, that you can disclose those thoughts and be present with them is a good thing. It may be that the recovery path has not yet taken you through this process but remember, there were many things you have changed.
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#435063 - 05/18/13 04:52 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6298
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
one of my abusers hugged me way too much. it's him i feel every time i hug a male. especially the whiskers. revulsion.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#436041 - 05/28/13 12:45 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
jd123 Offline


Registered: 11/16/12
Posts: 9
Loc: Missouri, USA
You better believe me I 'll join you in a hug! I have had similar porn, unhealthy sex thoughts going on but I am sticking to our new learned techniques in our recent WOR...............it is helping.

Feel yourself being hugged!

James

Top
#436059 - 05/28/13 10:27 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Welcome James, to we who want the acceptance without the sexual abuse. I welcome you fellow survivor and WOR brother in a safe, comforting embrace. Thank you for adding your thoughts to our increasing numbers! Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#436392 - 05/31/13 06:28 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
Senri Jan Offline


Registered: 05/27/13
Posts: 3
Loc: NPA (No Permanent Address)
Thank heavens, I thought I was the only one who's experiencing this. You know, I am still struggling now about watching Porn especially the Gay Porn, but I wish I can defeat that insatiable lust against that fantasy.

((Sorry, I feel so awkward to tell what's on my mind because I am still new here and I am a little bit shy.))
_________________________
We shall require a substantially new manner of thinking if mankind is to survive.

~Albert Einstein

Top
#436420 - 05/31/13 01:23 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Welcome Senri Jan, those feelings are a mix of love, safety, support and strong sexual emotions that we were subjected to in inappropriate settings or age. It is the belief and hope of this group that we can separate these into their very appropriate places, creating stability and peace in our lives.
Welcome fellow survivor,

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#437055 - 06/06/13 03:59 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6298
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
ok.

i feel silly...
but...

how about a hug?

(not easy)
(don't really wanna do this)
(i'm ready)
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#437063 - 06/06/13 05:35 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
peroperic2009 Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3786
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Victor, you know I'm in mood of giving hugs today, lol
So here is one warm and safe hug for you wink

(((victor-victim)))
_________________________
My story

Top
#437064 - 06/06/13 05:49 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6298
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
well. what do you know?

that made me smile.

it works!

never done this before but...
right back at ya

(((peroperic2009)))
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#437067 - 06/06/13 07:58 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Hey (((victor)))

Did not mean to sneak up on you, here is a safe hug. Now, if you would like a standing ovation
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#437090 - 06/06/13 11:17 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6298
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
thank you (((SamV)))

another smile smile

just woke up, and this is a good way to start the day.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#438141 - 06/14/13 01:38 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
Senri Jan Offline


Registered: 05/27/13
Posts: 3
Loc: NPA (No Permanent Address)
thank you so much SamV for your encouraging words.


Edited by Senri Jan (06/14/13 01:39 AM)
_________________________
We shall require a substantially new manner of thinking if mankind is to survive.

~Albert Einstein

Top
#443029 - 08/02/13 10:27 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 06:36 PM)

Top
#446137 - 09/01/13 02:47 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Thank you Senri Jan, bodyguard, I am overwhelmed by the desire we each have not to view sexual images, but to connect with healthy, affirming men and women and to enjoy the company, the conversation and the support without sex.

I still get the urge to view porn, to fantasize about women and to gratify myself, but now when I think about the actresses who choose that life, I feel a great sadness. The desperation, or even the continuation of abuse, the degradation they experience or the misguided sense that they are doing the best for themselves financially, this burdens my heart when I consider their plight. A man once quit smoking, not by putting down the cigarette, but by smoking it, then when it was done, he would repeat to himself, "that was gross.., disgusting." Soon he would break free of the habit without self destruction nor shame. I like his approach, but instead of using those words, I would use "sorrow, sadness, pain and hurt" to describe not only those who would act in porn, but by my viewing it. Soon the feelings of self validation from recovery including empathy and compassion overtook my desperation and need for absolute access which I thought was intimacy. I could finally see the end of the road which made me free of porn. The one thing that remained without porn was the need to connect with you, my fellow survivors and those who would support and share with me locally.

Today I can stand before you and confidently say, I have been victorious". I have found support, joyful association and self determination. I am free of porn and continue to separate myself from it's control. How may I help you to overcome this, please respond here or in PM. I look forward to your shares, adding those to the brave men who visit here for the first time and come again to update their progress and stumbles, but who are here to ultimately win!

You inspire me, thank you.
Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#453333 - 11/12/13 09:51 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Please continue to share your affirmations, your struggles and your recovery. We can overcome the past by looking forward to the future, by reaching out to challenge what we have been forced to accept, by realizing healthy communications and connections, by stabilizing those in our lives and feeling the reclaimed power of confidence.

These shares above have proven the thoughts and controls of the abuser are not permanent. They can be broken through, they must be.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#474392 - 01/01/15 10:49 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6298
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
i got a hug last night from a few people who were comforting me.
it really really really made me feel better.

a LOT better.

better than sex.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#474401 - 01/02/15 06:12 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
manipulated Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/14
Posts: 330
Loc: Great Lakes Wine Country
Amen Victor. Safe, accepting reassuring, Touch without demands expectations or more cannot be beat for reassurance.
_________________________
Feeling, Healing, Recovering.

Top
#498926 - 06/01/16 01:25 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
baltimura Offline


Registered: 09/23/14
Posts: 1
where's the hug emoji? you are important, respected, vauable, and loved

Top
#499071 - 06/07/16 05:38 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
(((Victor))) (((manipulated))) (((baltimura)))
Well done fellow survivors!!! Thank you for being courageous in both asking for support and reaching out to offer support. Let's keep it going.
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11 >

Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.