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#406876 - 08/15/12 09:28 AM Just some venting
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Good lord, I've already been on here a month? Great help, guys, particularly as this is some of the toughest stuff I've ever had to face in my recovery (ACoA, etc.).

Not really looking for "suggestions". Just need to vent a bit.

Since this came up almost two month ago, primarily because of Sandusky and the PSU Freeh report, I've worked bits of it as I felt able - even sometimes when I haven't felt able - but then have taken breaks for a few, or even several, days at a time.

I can't go into details in a public post, but I've researched a lot about the deceased perp, his family and the institutions involved. I've had/have professional help on a number of fronts who have given me focus and input. You guys I've PM'd here have been a considerable support with your feedback.

Results are mixed. One involved institution blowing me off, another (with their own agenda) appearing concerned. Worst was a local victims' advocacy agency which, despite a couple calls and brief phone intake, has completely ignored me. All I could do - and that was enough for me - was shoot off an email to one of their supporting groups.

Yeppers, I'll be the first to admit I'm obsessed with the issue. But, the basics around here (bills, groceries, etc.) are still being handled responsibly, a big deal for those of us who've dealt with depression. Despite the brutal summer heat/humidity, I'm still engaged with my yard stuff - whatever I can reasonably handle - one of my best excuses for getting out of the damn house. Sleep has always been weird - no different now - but I'm getting plenty, even full six-hour stretches.

I could use more client jobs but don't have a lot of control over that. The distraction would help a lot.

Friend invited me out to lunch the other day on a whim...and the CSA wasn't on the menu! (last damn thing I want for lunch...though he's aware of the basics) Declined an invite to see "Ted" however. I'll admit a foul-mouthed teddy bear would have been helpful many times in my life.

Upshot is, I'm damn tired of this sh*t...already. And I'm physically wiped. I wonder wtf I've gotten myself into. T says it will get worse...which I know a lot of us have heard from our Ts. I'm not looking forward to that.

#406960 - 08/16/12 02:54 AM Re: Just some venting [Re: Lancer]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
You Said: "And I'm physically wiped. I wonder wtf I've gotten myself into. T says it will get worse...which I know a lot of us have heard from our Ts. I'm not looking forward to that."

Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock a couple of weeks and go back into the closet with all this. But damn it, 2/3 of my life is over and sick of carrying this secret and all its consequenses. Bring it on....I'll have to deal with it.
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#406968 - 08/16/12 04:07 AM * [Re: Lancer]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 03:55 PM)

#406988 - 08/16/12 11:56 AM Re: Just some venting [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Speaking of, go figure you found the public post. Seems to be a theme w/us, huh? (And that's my adopted mother you posted).

Edited by Lancer (08/16/12 12:46 PM)

#407319 - 08/20/12 07:16 PM Re: Just some venting [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Venting II

Been feeling pretty damn disgusted and angry today. The people who are supposed to be helping me seem to have been shoving me aside for weeks. One comes off as a scattered summer intern in the DA's office - gawdhelpus if she's really an employee - and I'm sick of talking to the kid's voicemail. Supposedly they have questions for me...but she won't tell me what they are.

So I left a couple of irritated voicemails. One with the "intern" and another with the victim's advocate for an outside agency which had referred me to her in the first place. I wasn't polite, as such, but neither was I a screaming lunatic. Left no doubt I was becoming fed up. Forwarded the complaint to the agency people who had referred me in the first place.

That's all I can do at the moment. Got it off my chest responsibly and to people who could do something about it. It felt productive (squeaky wheel, etc.). Whether in fact it was may be something else.

My short term goal is to know whether or not they're interested in the case. Then I can move on to my next steps.

Put another way, this process is way too similar to the insitutional blindness from the time of my abuse.

UPDATE: A quick response from the agency referring me to the DA indicating my complaint was heard loud and clear, nice apology, defused.

#407330 - 08/20/12 10:47 PM Re: Just some venting [Re: Lancer]
Country Offline

Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 654
Loc: Alabama
Anger and causing yourself to act out is just the CSA getting the best of us.. We have to rise above that and win these battles.. That is my opinion.. If I blow up like I use to then I feel like my perp has won again.. That is the root cause of all the rage and anger..I mean to ghet mad at common stupidity is normal but most of us survivors have rage issues and it can be volitile
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her


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