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#407085 - 08/17/12 03:36 PM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
GoodHope Offline

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 428
Obi, i absolutley see your point. It is exactly why i suggested we split after i found out about the cheating. I am not the same woman he married. I now assume everyone is deceitful. That is a 180 for me.

What helps me to help my husband see my perspective (sometimes) is to illustrate how its kind of similar. So because of the abuse, my husband is not trusting. I have never abused him or even lied to him, but he found it difficult to trust me after more than a decade together. Now i am in a situation where i am expected to trust the very person who violated my trust but he expects me to behave differently than he has been able to? I would love to argue that his mistrust is misplaced but it is actually irrelevant to this discussion. The bottom line is, its really hard. Its hard even if its not the person who violated the trust that you are tryingto trust. Its UNnatural to turn around and do it to a person who has demonstrated over years that he shouldnt be trusted. were you a trusting person immediately after you were violated? I want to want to trust my husband. But I can't. I don't know how long it will take. I hope it's soon because it is misery to have your life interwoven w someone you don't trust.

I think for the survivor who wants to throw in the towel because his partner can't get over it, he shouldn't. Wouldn't you want your next relationship to thrive ? What is the point of the pain and the work if you will just turn around and muck up the next relationship w the same toxic behaviors? Whether my husband and I make it as a couple I want and need for him to get well. I want it for him. He's smart, funny, kind, driven. But I need it for our kids. They deserve a whole dad way more than I deserve a whole partner.
Wife of a survivor

#407087 - 08/17/12 03:52 PM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
Valkyrie Offline

Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167

I second GoodHope's sentiment. My ability to trust anyone is shattered. Everyone, until further notice, is guilty until they prove otherwise.

But then, I am constantly shocked and awed by the kindness of strangers. The small but vital kindnesses people have shown me in my darkest moments remind me there is still some good left in this world.

So at least I trust in that.

#407547 - 08/22/12 03:25 PM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
Robert1000 Offline

Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 451
This is probably one of the best threads I've read. I'm astounded by what I've seen here, and how it echoes things in my life. I was molested as a kid by a neighbor's babysitter. I hid the truth for decades and then, about five years ago, had probably the dumbest affair in the history of affairs. I wasn't attracted to the other woman. It was just stupid. And mean. The other woman wanted to hurt my wife. She befriended her. She hung around. She brought her daughter to our house. She suggested that she could pick up our kids from preschool if my wife and I were busy. It was horrible. Somehow, I didn't know how to get out of the relationship! It may seem odd, but I felt trapped. (By the way, she had been raped in college and never got therapy. She told me that for a period of time, she would target men and seduce them. I learned later from therapy that she had clearly targeted me. That doesn't excuse me. But it helped me to understand what happened.) Anyway, my wife has many times used the phrase, "Waiting for the other shoe to drop...." It's painful, for me to hear. There isn't another shoe to drop. I have no intention of ever being unfaithful to her. I've had years of therapy, and I've grown tremendously as a man, a father and a partner. Just last night, she told me that she can't trust me and feels convinced that I'm lying to her all the time. I was in the dumps about it today, which is why I came onto the site here and, for the first time, read posts on this section. Usually, I just read the Male Survivor postings, which is also where I have always posted.

As for the comments and struggles here, I have a few things I'd like to add:

First, I try to keep in mind my main goal, I believe, of stopping the cycle of abuse and dysfunction. That can only happen with honest communication and conscious healing. I don't want to pass my terrible legacy onto my kids. And I don't want to inflict pain and suffering on my spouse.

Second, take each day as it comes, especially when the feelings of shattered trust descend like a terrible storm cloud.

Finally, the "survival" of the marriage or the forgiveness of the spouse who cheats is less important than the health and safety of kids and us ourselves. I desperately want my marriage to survive, but I know that by acting desperate, I'll only endanger it. My spouse has done so much for me. It's time for me to the be the strong one. I know that I provide an enormous lift to her, and I'm going to focus on that, focus on being a good partner and a good friend and dad, and the best man I can be for myself.

Thank you for your posts, and that goes double for Valkyrie, Goodhope and silentspouse.

Stay strong and keep healing.

#407556 - 08/22/12 05:50 PM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
Country Offline

Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 654
Loc: Alabama
Saying when will the other shoe drop is a way of setting negative thoughts into motion. Maybe it should be , will the other shoe drop. I am a big believer in positive thinking and that negative thoughts can lead to negative outcomes. Just my opinion though.
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

#407632 - 08/23/12 01:41 PM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
Hope, you are soooooooooo right. We did nothing to not deserve their trust but they don't trust us. My husband took the trust I had in him and destroyed it and I am supposed to just turn around and say ok, I trust you. It is not going to happen. I did that quite a few times and got slapped upside the head (not physically) over and over again.

Not only did I lose my trust in him, but I lost my trust in people and even worse, I lost the ability to trust myself. That is the biggest tragedy in all this.

I am working on trusting myself again and my perceptions.

Also, Silent, searching for evidence did nothing for me except make MY life miserable. When and if there is somethig to know, I have to trust that God or the Universe will give me the information. If I spend my days looking for it, my days will be absolutely miserable and not have a moments peace or happiness. It is so hard not to search because my life could be put in danger again but I have no life anyway if it is spent looking for evidence.

Sorry country, but I can't say "if" the other shoe drops. I have learned from experience that living with an addict I can only be cautiosly optimistic. I hope and pray thaat it doesn't happen but my husband IS an addict and relapse of some sort is a part of addiction. I hate even putting that into words but it is what it is.

Trust broken is very difficult to get back. As a survivor, my husband's trust was broken by strangers 30 some years ago. Does he trust now? No, if he did we wouldn't be here. So after 30 years he still has a hard time trusting. It has only been like 2 years for me and I m supposed to trust completely? I will trust him more when he trusts me more. It has taken many survivors years and years to get some trust in people again so I will not feel rushed. I will when I do, if i do.

The only thing i can trust is that God will help me through.

Please survivors, heal for yourselves and maybe your marriage will survive. You deserve healing whether your marriage survives or not. If you do the work and heal and your marriage doesn't survive, at least you will walk away with a healthier and happier life ahead of you.

#407633 - 08/23/12 01:46 PM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
Also, silent, the searching, detective work and focussing on what they are doing can become an addiction in itself. For me, it could be quite numbing and made me feel like i had some control over what was going to happen and that was an illusiion for me. The numbing part of it kept me from feeling the feelings I was feeling like sadness, grief, FEAR and kept me from looking at my own issues and figure out how I got here in the first place. I thinkk it was a way of "surviving" the PTSD and was the best I could do at the time.

That is just what it was like for me........I am not assuming everyone feels the same as me. wink

#407646 - 08/23/12 04:31 PM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
Valkyrie Offline

Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
I too also became hypervigilant in response to trauma caused by all of my husband's revelations of infidelity. Obsessively check phone records became an addiction, and like lucy said, a false sense of control. I'm learning to wean myself off it.

I realize now it is just sipping poison. Every time I do it. But then, my husband is an addict, so it is also a method of leverage so he understands boundaries.

The whole thing sucks.

#408016 - 08/26/12 09:19 PM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
silentspouse Offline

Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 24
Loc: ID
I was finally able to get back here and post and I wanted to say thank you to everyone who took the time to give me advice and comment. I'm also glad this thread helped you, Robert1000.

For some unknown reason, things have really settled down lately. I think I may be in some sort of denial, LOL. I am so sick and tired of being sad! I am forcing myself to be happy - and it seems the more I fake the happiness, the more genuine it becomes.

I haven't lost that feeling of dread, though. That pit in my stomach that just aches with loss and anger and jealousy. I think I'm a bit caught in limbo - husband still early in recovery and me still in the early stages of real forgiveness. Trust is impossible, but I think I *have* to function without trust for awhile. It takes time to earn it back, and in the mean time, I have to keep going.

#409272 - 09/07/12 12:29 AM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
Gabskitty Offline

Registered: 08/28/12
Posts: 7
Loc: Missouri
I am so happy to see posts from other spouses who have been through this.I have caught him developing relationships with women online, of course there's the pornography, he "only" wants BDSM sex, but he doesn't want me at all. We have no children because he would never be intimate with me! Going to see a therapist tomorrow. I love him, but it is so hard.

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