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#406790 - 08/14/12 10:05 AM Re: I am OK, but I am sick of suicidal thoughts. [Re: bnyc]
DannyT Offline

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 589
The book I recommended the other day, Creative Visualization by Shakti Gawain has been somewhat helpful for me in finding ways to restructure my patterns. Essentially it's about what we see and how to see things differently by setting particular types of goals, setting up particular patterns of positive reinforcement, etc.

For example, thinking about suicide is essentially a visualization exercise in which you visualize a way out of the problem (via self killing). Noticing that pattern, you can then start to visualize others that you can go to so that options for the visualization process become available.

It's interesting, and the exercises are fun to do.


#406791 - 08/14/12 10:13 AM Re: I am OK, but I am sick of suicidal thoughts. [Re: bnyc]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1739
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Danny, I like the Statement that you made. "To think about suicide is essentially visualizing it."

It shows the importance of filling our minds with happy thoughts and happy places and great things to do.

Awesome post man

Heal well
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#406795 - 08/14/12 10:43 AM Re: I am OK, but I am sick of suicidal thoughts. [Re: bnyc]
DannyT Offline

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 589
Thanks Martin. I was just thinking about this again. So much of what we do in healing is revisiting the old wounds. We've got to find a new way to heal that doesn't mean revisiting the past.

This thread relates to the forgiveness threads to me in a way. We have these coping mechanisms that circle each other. We dwell on the past and this makes us miserable while apparently being part of the healing process. SO we conjure up all this misery and terrible brain chemistry and set up massive triggers that create instant washes of horrible brain chemistry, then we think about killing ourselves because we're so depressed.

Then we do this so often that we have to say (like bnyc), "However, since I was a child I have had this voice in my head that says, "you really should just kill yourself" or "haven't you had enough yet?"

We actually get to the point where we just see the terrible pattern and get so tired (like I was this morning), that we say it again: "can't I just die so that it's all over?" For me sometimes, this feels more exhaustion from having done a thousand laps rather than depression.

I think sometimes we just get tired of doing the same reps over and over again. So I totally agree that we have to train ourselves to "fill our minds with happy thoughts and happy places and great things to do."

That way we start growing new patterns. It's hard work, but I think it's worth it.


ps: I realized after I posted this that I hadn't said why it reminded me of the forgiveness threads. We have to stop telling our abuse story compulsively after it's been expressed to someone else for healing. The more often we tell the story and hate the abuser, the deeper the pattern of telling and retelling gets. The deeper that pattern gets, the harder it is to step away from it and begin to heal. Healing has to mean putting the abuse away into the past where it belongs and finding the self one ought to be without it. Note: I'm not saying we should deny it: we just have to let it go.

Edited by DannyT (08/14/12 10:46 AM)

#406802 - 08/14/12 01:47 PM Re: I am OK, but I am sick of suicidal thoughts. [Re: UKHEALING]
scottyg Offline

Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 279
Loc: Seattle
Yeah... my suicide ideation -that's what the clinical term is for it- was not a direct result of me focusing on my abuse. Quite the opposite, I burried my abuse and the shame I felt. I went on drug and alcohol benders. I was horribly alone. I could not hold a job. I was transient moving town to town, state to state. I became homeless. I didn't care about myself at all anymore. That is when I started really trying to kill myself. But I am a huge fuck-up. As a lifelong failure I even ruined my own suicide. A little joke.

Luckily for the men here today we have this forum, a place where we all share our experiences. Although the details are unique, our big issues are always the same. I look at those raw abuse issues like this:

There is an elephant in the room of the mind called abuse. As it's an elephant in the room, we've spent a lot of time and energy arranging our mental furniture to disguise the elephant. My elephant lived in the room of my mind for 32 years. One day, it's just too much... too crowded if you will. We scream, "For fuck's sake there's a damn elephant in here!"

Now that it's finally revealed our first mental reaction is to explore this "new" mystery animal. Look at it from every angle. Measure the pile of dung it's left. Some of us even ask ourselves if it really IS an elephant or just a big, grey chest of drawers. Those guys need serious help, thank your stars you're not them. So you're at that exploratory stage UK. It's all very new and intense and rather shocking. Mood swings, debilitating depression, a lack of connection to the outside world, a sudden paranoia about one's own thoughts and motives. The elephant in the room becomes a three ring circus.

That is why we always stress THERAPY, tTHERAPY, THERAPY. That will help sort all this out. If you're horribly depressed get some meds from your doctor. Suicide is a crying shame. There is no shame in wanting to end your suffering through prescription medication. And as we always say here, be good to yourself. Have the faith that you're going to make it through. You've come this far. There's no reason not to belive that in some months time it will be YOU, UKHEALING, writing your own lame extended metaphor in this forum for a new survivor who's wondering how it will ever get any better. It does and the pay-off is superb!
Finding humor in the heartbreak

#406809 - 08/14/12 04:00 PM Re: I am OK, but I am sick of suicidal thoughts. [Re: scottyg]

Registered: 08/05/12
Posts: 14
Thanks Scotty, I know what I need to do I am already feeling better from reading peoples post and kind words, I have already started using some techniques with my anxiety and its working i know its only been a day like.

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