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#406229 - 08/08/12 08:20 PM Emails
wgrrcb Offline


Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 32


Edited by wgrrcb (02/20/13 03:34 PM)

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#406237 - 08/08/12 09:05 PM Re: Emails [Re: wgrrcb]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3956
Loc: settling in the USA again
hi!

IMHO, it is wise to be very guarded and careful how much you reveal at this point. i don't know anything about your past, but since you are posting this here - i assume she was abusive and that is why you have had no contact for a long time. abusers can change, i suppose, but often we survivors hope for change that doesn't happen. please protect yourself. keep yourself safe - both physically and emotionally. don't let her manipulate you into getting whatever she wants at your expense. it is not cold or cruel on your part to do what is right for your own well-being. if she can prove she is owning up to the truth and wants forgiveness or to make amends, that would be great - but it is only natural for you to be cautious and skeptical. BTW - if you feel the need to forgive her - that is also fine - but it doesn't mean that you have to "forget" as well. it should be up to YOU how you proceed.

lee
_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

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#406352 - 08/10/12 03:01 AM Re: Emails [Re: traveler]
wgrrcb Offline


Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 32


Edited by wgrrcb (02/20/13 03:34 PM)

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#406632 - 08/13/12 12:09 AM Re: Emails [Re: wgrrcb]
Anomalous Offline

Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1830
Hi Wgrrcb,

As Lee stated, there is a good reason you have not had voluntary contact with your mother since you have been 14. Obviously she has done something to make you very wary of her.

Whether or not she is being nice now really isn't the issue. You do not trust her and you do not want her contacting you. Her contact is making you more than uncomfortable.

You can send her an email telling her you do not want her in your life. Or, if you prefer not to be so direct, mark her email as "spam." That way it will be directed to the spam folder and you won't see it in your in-box.

Being contacted out of the blue, especially after so many years is sure to raise one's level of wariness. The questions that come to mind are "what does she want?" "Why did she choose now to make contact?"

You have every right to maintain your boundaries with her. You have to do what is in your best interest, not what is more comfortable for her.

Guilt? Perhaps.

But think back to when she was in your life. Did she play the guilt trip game? Did she do something abusive and then follow it up with "apologies?" Did she try to get you to understand her problems as a way of excusing her abusive behavior?

Do you feel like she is manipulating you again?

If she is contacting you because she has something important to tell you, she will come out and say what her reason is, and not play the "I can't call you, I can't write to you, how do I know it's really you?" game.

You are under no obligation to respond to any message you receive. If you choose to respond, the response does not need to be immediate. Think about how you feel and what you want to say and respond on when you are ready.




Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#406761 - 08/14/12 03:35 AM Re: Emails [Re: Anomalous]
wgrrcb Offline


Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 32


Edited by wgrrcb (02/20/13 03:34 PM)

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#406949 - 08/15/12 08:20 PM Re: Emails [Re: wgrrcb]
Neverquit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/10
Posts: 147
Loc: Ohio
You could try setting a boundary by saying I will contact you when I am ready to exchange emails again. This will give you some time to sort things out. Also, do you have a therapist to talk to? A real life ally who understands where you are coming from provides invaluable stability in times like these.

Good luck! And remember, you are only responsible for your own emotions. So take care of yourself always. smile

Grant




Edited by Neverquit (08/15/12 08:21 PM)
_________________________
There is always hope

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