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#406536 - 08/12/12 08:16 AM New to the Board
WifeyLove Offline

Registered: 08/12/12
Posts: 1
Hello, I am not exactly sure where to start. I have been with my husband for 13 years, married for 10. He has always been emotionally more distant than I and we both entered the relationship with our own baggage. But it would be 13 years before I would learn of his abuse.

I have been in therapy for the last year and a half/two years. I felt unhappy with our marriage and blamed myself. My husband has always been very distant, critical, narcissistic, and hurtful, not ever really thinking about how his words or actions affect me. I thought if I were better, he wouldnt want to treat me that way. He has always been distant sexually also, making sure his needs are met and then leaving me to take care of my own.

So I went to therapy, starting to find myself, and around this time I had caught my husband looking at gay porn. This wasnt the first time. I have noticed him looking at men and women when we are out and about. I confronted him and asked him if he was gay. He then told me about his abuse. I tried to be supportive and comfort him but still in my own therapy, I have felt like I deserve to be happy as well. He is still confused about his sexual orientation and is just at the beginning of his journey of healing. I am torn between being there as a friend and trying to figure out how/if I can be a wife! I want to protect him and let him know that I am here to support but I dont want to sacrifice the work I have done for me either. Is he gay, bi, straight? Is his confusion as a result of his self-loathing and effects of his abuse? This is a very delicate and complicated situation and I am so grateful for this forum. I hope to find some answers.

I hope for healing for us all and for you - I look forward to getting to know you all smile

#406546 - 08/12/12 11:15 AM Re: New to the Board [Re: WifeyLove]
Lavinia Offline

Registered: 12/02/09
Posts: 61
Welcome, I hope you find the support and answers you need.

#406554 - 08/12/12 02:46 PM Re: New to the Board [Re: WifeyLove]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3748
Welcome--I hope you find the peace you deserve. Your husband is facing the challenge of his life to heal. Support and understanding are needed if he is to heal. Who he is, his identity as a person and sexual orientation is muddled by the abuse. The abuse creates confusion-did I enjoy it and thus I must be gay--his reactions during the abuse are not always what they seem to be--the male body may react to the abuse and thus this sexual reaction confuses the child. He needs to discover who he is--his actions may not define who he is.

Take care of yourself and I am glad you are seeing a therapist who is non judgmental and letting you discover you and your husband. Too many therapists/psychiatrists do not understand the effects of abuse and give faulty and destructive advise. Sounds like you T is one has knowledge of CSA. Good luck

Edited by KMCINVA (08/12/12 03:25 PM)

#406593 - 08/12/12 10:03 PM Re: New to the Board [Re: WifeyLove]
Anomalous Offline

Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 2106
Hi WL,

Welcome to MS.

Your husband may be neither gay nor bi. He may be experiencing the phenomenon of same-sex attraction, which causes one to question one's sexual orientation.

Many sexually abused males struggle with same-sex attraction (SSA). It creates a lot of confusion. "Why am I looking at guys?" "Am I gay?" "Bi?" "Should I act on these feelings?" "How do I know if it is SSA or my true orientation?" These are some of the questions that run through the mind of those of us who experience SSA.

Other times thinking about being sexual with other males is an attempt to master the abuse and to change the "outcome." One mistakenly believes that if the experience can be "re-done" but with a different ending, that one may not have been abused, or that one can "undo" the abuse. "If I can control the situation then I am not a victim."

The bottom line is, without help, your husband cannot answer these questions for you or for himself. You do not state whether or not he is in therapy. If he is not, I would strongly encourage it. You may also want to tell him about this site. You do not have to share your screen name with him, nor he with you.

You are his wife. He needs to work through his confusion with someone who is qualified to help him navigate these issues. However, you also need to make it perfectly clear to him what you will and will not tolerate (ie. his desire to sexually "experiment"). There are limits, and you have to be clear in your own mind what they will be, as well as let him know. You also have the right to be healthy, and any acting out with someone else can put your health, and his, in jeopardy.

You do not, and should not, "sacrifice yourself" in order to support him. Losing yourself is not being supportive, it is being co-dependent (I am not saying that you are, I am saying that you should not lose yourself in your endeavor to support your husband).

You may find some of the books written for survivors helpful in understanding same-sex attraction. I do not know which titles contain this information so hopefully others will provide them.

Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

#406703 - 08/13/12 10:06 PM Re: New to the Board [Re: WifeyLove]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
Welcome! Read a lot & post a lot - and you will find your way.

#406731 - 08/14/12 01:32 AM Re: New to the Board [Re: WifeyLove]
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
I can relate to your feelings of thinking if you are better then he will be better. For a couple years I thought that maybe if I lost more wieght, or cooked better meals, or kept the house cleaner, he would open up and be the man I love.
I'm glad that you have a therapist, I hope they help you. You will find lots of support here, I'm glad you found us!
Everything comes from within

#406744 - 08/14/12 03:15 AM Re: New to the Board [Re: WifeyLove]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
I would also not default to any conclusion that there is any same-sex attraction present what-so-ever. CSA is not that simple and neither is what it took to being abused as a boy and not driving off a bridge.

Sometimes holocaust survivors tour the remains of the camps, but they don't want to be prisoners OR nazis.

#406746 - 08/14/12 03:36 AM Re: New to the Board [Re: WifeyLove]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Joe Kort

He writes about this topic.

Just from experience, I would like to caution you on this topic. Try to be silent and just communicate your boundaries and expectations. I made some major mistakes very early on in my relationship with my husband that I think hurt him. I assumed he was bisexual from the beginning. It turns out, I believe from what he tells me know, that this added to his shame. I was 22 and I have forgiven myself.

PM me if it would help wink

Edited by Esposa (08/14/12 03:39 AM)


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