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#406514 - 08/12/12 02:36 AM I want to make sence..
Si puedo Offline

Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 4
Loc: N-J
Of my behaivior and why I would get my self involved with a person outside of my marriage that I didnt even like or care for!!
With out going into too much detail the only enjoyment I got out of was to Lie & be a scum bag.

Any one out there with a similar experience ??

Thank you all.

#406812 - 08/14/12 08:40 PM Re: I want to make sence.. [Re: Si puedo]
scottyg Offline

Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 289
Loc: Seattle
I did not do this, my porn and booze were enough for me but I hear the same reports time and time again from the partners on Family & Friends. If you aren't looking at that forum it is a helpful insight into familial dynamics. Here are some of the things I have written in the past to supporters about our destrucive bahaviors including infidelity.

My take on destructive behavior is that it is a vestige of the destructive nature of abuse. Abuse destroys innocence. We make sense of abuse by thinking we were bad, deserved it. It's the only way we can make sense of what has/ is happening. Bad people do bad things. Bad things are destructive. Destructive behaviors build on one another. They become a pattern, a cycle, a way of life. There is no other way known to us but the one destructive way. It is a deeply rooted problem that takes years to ferret out and address.

These behaviors are not sadistic so much as extremely masochistic with unplanned collateral damage. The brain likes patterns good or bad. In our pattern we are self-defeating and mired in failure. Everything good in our lives is undeserved and needs to be ruined. By being abusive we are pushing you away, not to hurt you though that is the result, but to run you off and save you from being anchored to a damaged, unworthy, unredeemable failure. Within this pattern of behavior we don't desrve good wives or nice feelings or anything that adds to the comfort and well-being a healthy human might enjoy. The intense psychic pain that causes this distortion prevents us from truly understanding the ripples of pain we're causing all around. Once that pattern is exposed and the self-defeating behaviors are seen for what they are then the guilt and shame set in. Partners can be a tremendous support by showing forgiveness and acceptance. We push away but secretly we want what everyone wants: a loving, safe place to rest. It's just we've never seen that place and we have no idea how to get there.

#406829 - 08/15/12 12:13 AM Re: I want to make sence.. [Re: Si puedo]
Country Offline

Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 654
Loc: Alabama
I was in that same boat bro. It was the worst mistake of my life. The damage I caused I my wife was way too much. There was no physical attraction or emotional attraction what so ever. Just a spur of the moment thing. I have realized thru therapy that this was probably a conquering trait that some male survivors have. Thank God my wife took me back and has helped me in my recovery and this has made my marriage south stronger. I finally addressed my CSA and can open up to my wife. With God and her in my life I feel so strong and safe. I don't feel the need to rage about the smallest things. The group here at male survivor has helped alot. Reading other posts is amazingly helpful.
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her


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